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Heavy sighs


lennonsgirl

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This is my first Christmas Eve without Mom. I made it through Thanksgiving (only had one good cry in the morning--had a best friend stay the night at my place) but this is really hard. Christmas Eve and day were our favorite holidays. We would cook our holiday meal starting Christmas Eve and would play music so we could sing along badly and dance along just as badly. I would do prep work; cutting, dicing, stirring and Mom would make up the actual dishes. She would do a whole spread even though it was just for the two of us. She loved decorating for all the holidays and Christmas was her favorite. I find myself sitting in my apt. with my two cats feeling so absolutely alone. I feel like I've been placed in the middle of the desert or at the top of a high mountain with no sign of civilization in sight. I feel so alone I can't hear angel's wings beat or hear God whisper words of encouragement to me that I'll make it through. I feel almost worse than I did when Mom passed away. Her 1 year anniversary is in a few weeks and my Uncle Bill's two year anniversary is right before that. I am so sorely missing the people I love and feeling so absolutely alone. I could be floating in space, 100,000 miles away from Earth and it still doesn't express how alone I feel without her. I'm hurting and only wanting to sleep. I'm taking my Klonopin to sleep. It's the only way I've been getting rest the past few days. I have to sleep on the couch in the livingroom b/c the noise from the tv comforts me. I feel on the verge of a panic attack every second even though I'm also still taking my Paxil. My friends and family call and I have to force myself to be present enough to hold a conversation. I feel dead inside. Dead but also raw like if I could really show my grief that I'll die or send the Earth off its orbit.

How is everyone getting through the holidays? I don't know if I have what it takes to get through this year after year without her. My therapist says to think of happy memories of the holidays but those only hurt me. They're so distant. They are nothing I can hold on to. I have never been so sad before in all my life. And if my Mom exists in any form, anywhere, I don't want her to worry about me but I'm so wounded. I feel like all the being around friends and family tomorrow won't help any but only to highlight how alone I am because my buddy, my Mom isn't here.

I'm crying as I'm typing this and it kind of feels good. I want to call someone but I feel like it'll be one more conversation for them of Kim and her dead Mom and I don't want to burden anyone with my grief. It's just so so hard. I'm trying hard not to feel so one part of me is numb; forcing myself to eat something and to go to the bathroom. The other part is so raw and feeling that I feel like I'm being someone for mercy to just make what I'm feeling stop.

Don't mean to rain on anyone's parade. This is the first year I've had to go through this and I'm very lost and lonely.

K

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you are not Alone, lots of us have been there. Yes the first is hard. So is the second and the third adn the fourth ain't a lot of fun either. THis is not easy Do what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. Hung My wreath this year and shoppe some Thats IT Nothing else. Bah humbug and all that!! Tomorrow is Merry xmas everybody Happy holidays and Good cheer to all. The next day, who knows what will happen or How we will feel. DO what feels best for you and take time to be alone if wiht others that may not understand all this. Grieving is a very personal experience and different to everyone. No rules or Guidelines. This is My advice and Hoping the sun comes up tomorrow bright and sunny FOr you and Your Family. If not, Make the m,ost of it if you want to.....

Prayers and Hugs

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I so wish you were here with me this Christmas Eve. I LOVE Christmas and all the food preparations. I would love doing it together with you along with bad holiday singing and all. Christmas was my mother's favorite as well and still I struggle 22 years later :?:cry: . Tonight there are two of us here and I am FINALLY finishing up the food. Tomorrow there will be family, BUT also 4 friends......one of whom I don't even know yet! Wish you were here too.

So......thinking of you and wishing you peace and some comfort too.

Kasey

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Lennonsgirl,

You are preaching to the choir and I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. If I had known, you could have come to my house. I can sing and dance badly too! :wink:

It's good for you to vent here where you are very understood by far too many people.

Hang in there and this too shall pass.

Hugs,

Welthy

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I know what it's like to not have a parent during the holidays, and tomorrow will be my first without my mom too....

I felt every word you wrote...and I just wish you were closer so that you could spend tomorrow with us and not go thru the day alone.

In a few weeks it will be 1 yr. since I lost my mom too. I will be holding you close to my heart and saying a prayer that the day passes gently for the both of us.

Let your friends help you, lean on us and post and vent as much as you need too...we understand how hard it is and are here for you.

(((kim)))

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Hi K,

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and lonely. And I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

I haven't lost my parents, but this is my first Christmas without my husband, Bill. He loved Christmas. Although we are doing many of the same things, it is completely different without him. There is not only the obvious huge void, but a shift in roles we all play as well.

How do you get through the holidays without your loved ones that are gone? I think the same way you get through every other day. You love and fully be with the ones that are here, while allowing yourself to fully miss those who are gone. That's what I've been trying to do, anyway. I really believe that in doing that you are honoring the ones who have passed.

I hope that you will spend Christmas Day with people who care about you and that you will feel alive, even within your sorrow.

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I feel your pain and it is excruciating. My mom was also my best friend of all time and I still haven't even accepted that she is gone for good. I guess we all have to hold on to the hope that we will be reunited one day and that our loved ones are in a beautiful place just waiting to embrace us when we join them. It is coming up on 1 year and I also don't know how to go on year after year, but I have decided to take one day at a time and that makes the future look a little brighter. I will pray that you find peace in your heart and soul and feel your mom's presence this holiday. Please feel free to write me personally and we can support each other. My e-mail is deewilkey@comcast.net

Thinking of you,

Stacey

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That you are in so much pain

the truth is that there does not seem to be anything as painful in life as losing your Mother, your protector in life.

I am hoping you got through the day OK with only good memories

Your pic of your Mom shows a beautiful, beautiful lady.

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I did make it through the day! I seriously attribute a part of it to all of your words! It made me decide to charter and plane and scoop you all up so we can celebrate Christmas together next year! :D

I was miffed when I first woke up this morning. I wanted to spend as little time conscious as I could. My best friend call (who lives in Alabama) because she couldn't figure out how to work her coffee pot. Instead of going back to bed I listed to some Crosby, Stills & Nash and The Beatles. They helped to put me in a good mood. Received phone calls & text messages from a few people who I know were totally checking in on me. I got washed and wrapped the presents for my cousins/godkids. I went to their house where they were SO glad to see me! I spent a few hours there and then went to my Uncle's house for a while. I have work tomorrow so I didn't stay long. While I was there his girlfriend's niece asked me, "Do you have a mom?" I didn't know what to say at first. All I could think of was, "Yeah, I used to." She said, "I think I remember her." There was no cry of grief on my part or any insanity (thank goodness--don't want to frighten the kids). Now I'm home and showered & waiting for my other best friend, April, to arrive so we can eat cinnamon buns!

I cannot believe the pain I was in the other night and I feel pretty much like I'm on autopilot getting through this day. This was our day, our time together playing off each other only the way we could. None of our lives will ever be the same and not in a good way. It seems like sometimes you have to take it second by second not just day by day. As always, I find comfort in the message board.

In other not so depressing news, I am quitting my job of 8 years to return to school full-time and get my undergrad degree (my last day is 1/4/08). After what has happened with Mom I believe I would rather be fulfilled (and at least able to make ends meet) than financial comfortable but unchallenged. That job is such a set of bookends for me. I lost my Granny right before I started and have lost my mother before leaving. Now I'm going out in the big bad world again to try something new. I hope that I continue to make those two awesome ladies proud and that they know that there is no way this could have been done without my springing forth from them. Everything I have in my essence has trickled down from them.

Hope you all had a Christmas that didn't drive you crazy!!! I send you all the absolute biggest hugs and don't be surprised when a big airplane comes to your house next year! :D

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I have bee thinking of you today and I am so glad to hear that the day was ok for you. My Mom passed away on Jan 13 also so we are kinda in the same place. I understand the pain. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. You are in my prayers tonite and Im hoping that time will only make things eaisier. The airplane idea sounds great and I'll have my bags all packed next year. It would be so awesome for us all to trade stories of our loved ones.

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