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Another New Year's!!


Debi

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I wanted to share my gratitude and joy that I am still here to celebrate another New Years (my FIFTH one since diagnosis!!). Every year I spend on this earth is a gift to me, not sure why it was given to me, but I'm okay with that these days.

This year was good to me- I had a huge promotion at work, relocated to another state, to one with malls :D . I got to see my son start THIRD grade, and my daughter just left from a visit this weekend and I was able to hold all 5 grandchildren in my lap for unlimited amounts of time. I added Fred the chihuahua to my family of pets this year, and got a new truck. My work just slowed down last week and then I had to fly to NY on business- I realized flying doesn't terrify me anymore. The fear that crippled me and kept me grounded most of my life, no longer exists.

Just a few hours ago I had a chance to go through the 'junk' mail from the last 5 or 6 weeks and I saw there was a Cure magazine. I started leafing through it and the fear came back, whoosh, without warning, leaving me trying to catch my breath. Cancer, the word that I try not to think about anymore, is really just a thought away at all times, just waiting. The Cure magazine just took hold of me, I started questioning all that I have done, all the plans I am making, the projects I'm on, starting to feel silly in thinking that I actually have a life ahead of me. It took about an hour to get myself back. My self-doubt is right there on my coffee table.

So my New Years resolution is going to be to cancel Cure magazine. I know that it is there if my cancer comes back, but I just can't have the reminder anymore. I am living and I am well and I will only go back if it drags me back and then I'll read the damn magazine. Right now I'm on strike.

Anyway, Happy New Years to my fellow survivors!

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Hi Debi,

Me too, for all the things you said!

Congratulations on your continued good health and I'm so happy that all those great things are happening in your life...

Happy New Year to you and, of course, to every other survivor and/or family member out there!

Cindy

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Debi

I know the feeling. Sometimes I forget that life is for the living and letting things like the c word get me down shouldn't worry me. Some sliding backward is usual. Just like when I quit smoking. Took a while and I still get the urge sometimes but I fight it and win.

Ralph

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Debi ... congratulations on 5 years - how great is that!!! I have lurked here for quite awhile now and I don't think I will ever forget your story about your scan experience. You are so gifted with words -I actually felt like I was right there experiencing it with you. I am so glad that your life is full, busy and full of good health. You are an inspiration to me on how to overcome fears and challenge oneself. I admire you a great deal. I am planning on achieving that 5 year milestone in a few more years - may we just keep on going for many, many more.

Best wishes, Linda

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I wanted to thank all of you, my friends, for your responses- this month is the 5 year mark for when the 'shadow' in my lung was discovered, although I technically celebrate in June, the month that I had my surgery.

Linda, I especially wanted to thank you for posting, what you said about lurking and about some of my posts hitting home for you, really made me feel good.

It is so hard sometimes to come here, there is so much pain. Sometimes, I feel judged, almost like I should apologize that I'm still alive while so many others are not. I have posted before how I hate to post my fears and successes sometimes because I was early stage, and there are so many people who have been worse off than me. People think that I should be thankful and lucky and all that. People don't realize that your world goes upside down no matter what stage you are, and how your life is never again the same.

It helps to know that survivors like yourself are lurking out there, and that you can relate to some of the stuff I say. We have lost alot of people on this board through the years, but there are alot of survivors still going strong even though it seems like we have gotten alot quieter.

Thank you again Linda for reminding me that I'm here for a reason - you have made me feel so much better today! (and I think you are well on your way to your first 5 years)

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Debi, I have to share something with you. As I said, I have been a lurker since about 2 weeks after my surgery. I read about everyone's lives, their struggles, their losses and oh yes, the pain that is so often there. I would often leave my computer with tears just streaming down my face. Some moments I would want to reach out to someone going through something or felt I could help in some small manner...I wouldn't. The reason - guilt. Guilt that I was fortunate to have this caught so early and guilt that I would not have to endure so much of the hardship that so many have gone through. I carried much guilt the first year after my surgery. You see, I found my cancer because my friend was diagnosed with cancer (I will post the entire story in the "My Story" forum) - she died two weeks after my surgery - she died, I lived. I also didn't think I would be able to help anyone - I didn't have experience with chemo/radiation/hospice - what could I offer?

I finally mustered up the guts to join a couple of days ago. In that time I have met two very wonderful people from my province and we have been able to help each other. I realize now that I can't help everyone - but even if I help just one it is worth it.

Please know - you are one of the first ones I identified with in a huge way. You are honest, to the point and hilariously funny.

I know that, like you, early stage or not - the fear will never leave now. I have been told that I will never be considered free and clear as my type is slow growing and can come back after many years. Yes, as my surgeon says - you're the luckiest person and the unluckiest person.

I don't know how often I will be able to post (kids will be back in all their activities and life moves into full swing again on Monday); however, I want you to know you really did help me through some of the worst times of my life. I am sure I am not the only one out there - I am just thankful you were there. So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Also, have you thought of writing - you really are a great writer (cause I know you have so much spare time LOL).

Linda

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Debi,

We have a bit in common. This was my fifth Christmas post diagnosis and I recently had an experience similar to yours, and I quote:

"The Cure magazine just took hold of me, I started questioning all that I have done, all the plans I am making, the projects I'm on, starting to feel silly in thinking that I actually have a life ahead of me. It took about an hour to get myself back. My self-doubt is right there on my coffee table.

So my New Years resolution is going to be to cancel Cure magazine. I know that it is there if my cancer comes back, but I just can't have the reminder anymore. I am living and I am well and I will only go back if it drags me back and then I'll read the damn magazine. Right now I'm on strike. "

Somehow I had the same reaction to this issue and reading your comment helped me make up my mind. I got up from here and asked my wife if she knew where the magazine was and she is reading it as I type. I had told her a couple days ago that I didn't want to see it anymore but she'd not read it yet. When I told her I wanted to cancel it and why, she heartily agreed.

We also have a daughter who has breast cancer so we read as much as we can but she doesnt like the content either. They need somebody like Katie or you on the editorial board to get them focused on the hope and success and the possibility of positive futures for cancer patients.

Good luck and best wishes and many more Happy New Years.

John

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Hey Debi......those of us here know the importance of the beginning of EACH new year, don't we? I can imagine you greeting MANY more new years without CURE magazine staring you in the face. So may your years be many, your plans fantastic, your future so bright that it blinds us all.

I just hope you drop by from time to time to inspire all those newbies who so desperately need your hpe to grab hold of.

Kasey

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