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Am I nuts or can anyone relate?


Patkid

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Ya know, I have been blindsided a couple or 10 times in my life.

My sister dx SCLC age 50 ~ fought 18 months before her death.

My first husband age 46 massive heartattack. Did not live to fight even 2 hours.

Brian: well you all know about his battle

My dad : age 59 complications from routine surgery ~ dead in recovery room.

Now best friend and eldest son's life partner of 22 years dx w/ stage 4 RCC.

Welp

I find myself completely paranoid and fatalistic.

I have a swollen gland and ear ache and some pain in my jaw. I have convinced myself I have Oral Cancer.

I am crazy

I live like I am one CT scan from an horrible dx.

and I don't just worry about me

I worry about my whole family.

It is like no one just gets a cold.................I think the worst all the time and often wake up in a cold sweat.

It took me a long time to be able to admit this 'out loud' and not to anyone but you guys..........

I am beginning to think I will never be normal or happy or optimistic.

I do not want to be a bitter / paranoid old woman.

Any words of comfort, advice or understanding?

Thanks for being here

Pat

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Gosh,

all I can say is I understand the worry- but I can't come close to all you've lost in your life to fully understand...

What I can recognize is the kind of spirit I think you have...you've been thru so much, yet you are here- encouraging others. Your faith is strong and your heart is huge.

That's how you get thru it I think...you take it a moment at a time...Concentrate alittle more on the joys in life than the losses....then maybe the constant worry and fatalistic view of all those things subside a little...I don't know...but I hope so.

(((love and hugs)))

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You are a strong, amazing woman who has had way too much @#%&! thrown at her too young. Of course it colors how you view the world. I remember some time back talking with my DH's grandmother. She told me that she used to always think older people were paranoid, until she realized that they had just seen more in their lives than younger people had.

Now, you have decades to go before you catch up to her, but your life experiences have you ahead of the curve. I truly understand, because I live that, too. My DH never understood why it was so important for me to get a will done early in our marriage. I have had to fight fears throughout our marriage that he will die early, as my father died so very young and so suddenly. I'm only 38, and I've lost all my grandparents, my parents, and most of my aunts and uncles.

I guess the positive spin would be that we know how important each day is, and we have learned that we have to hug our loved ones, spend time with them, and say, "I love you" each tme before we say good bye. We learn to live with our fears, even if they drag us down sometimes. We drag ourselves back up.

Lots of love to you tonight.

Kelly

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I can not relate to the life of an avalanche of surprises...but I can relate to the thinking everything is cancer.

I think my pessimism is different. Mine is born out of fear I won't be around for as long as my "on the way" kid will need me to be. Yours is that your experience says this is how it goes.

Be assured, you aren't alone, but we are our own people...we are all terminal...but you, me, past experience, none of it changes that when all is said and done, we belong to God...we'll go to him when it's our time...

So while we're here...we role with the punches.

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{{{{{{{{Pat}}}}}}}} I sure can see why you feel the way you do, I'm sad about your son's partner, but Nick said it all "when all is said and done, we belong to God", that isn't even alot of comfort to me when I become afraid but that is what we

hold onto isn't it. Be assured I am lifting you up in prayer, to have some peace and contentment in your life.

Barb

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Pat, I don't think it is possible to have experienced all that you have and be your "old normal". I think that your "new normal" will mean that you worry more than most. And that's okay.

You've experienced far more loss than I have, but there have been far too many cases of aggressive cancers in my family. I lost my Joe, my younger sister has stage iv throat cancer, my cousin has melanoma, I lost my aunt to inflammatory breast cancer...and the list continues. These folks were all dx between ages 36 and 49.

I hope this doesn't sound trite, I certainly don't me for it to be, but I find that keeping things in the day helps me a lot. Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. So I try to keep my thoughts focused on right now, or I'd lose my mind.

You're a strong, wonderful woman to have seen what you've seen and still be here to support all of us. I tip my hat to you.

Sending hugs from NY.

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Ok first let me see if Nick, in fact, was telling us that he has a baby on the way...Congrats.

Pat, I feel terrible for you, and I just don't know what to say. Everything compiled together is enough to make anyone a bundle of nerves. I know I sometimes get like that, and I haven't even seen half of what you have. Fortuantely for me I have the devil may care attitude. I've always had it a little bit, but it's full blown since Col's DX. I don't care what happens when or how, all I know is that her and I and anyone else for that matter can only do everything in our power to enjoy life. At times it is difficult, and at times you can't help but think about all the other things, but please try not to let them consume you.

Prayers that this weill pass for you.

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As an addition to my first statement, I do want to say, I don't internalize well the concept of "we all belong to God". I actually don't like it and resist it. But it is something my wife very much accepts, and I know in my mind she's right. Just because it seems foriegn to me or hard to accept or doesn't help mch...I do believe it's true...

So I nkow the words may not be very comforting (I personally wouldn't have found them to be terribly.

And JB yes (OT)...back in the fall I posted said news, and mother and baby are so far so good, baby arrives into the world some time around late February.

But back to the topic, yes, it certainly seems like a lot of people totally get it, this cancer and life can imprint quite a traumatic scar on us.

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Pat,

You've had so much illness in your life in recent years. It's understandable that you would feel like that.

You are a strong woman who is a true inspiration. When you get your glands checked out and find it's nothing serious, that might alleviate some of the problem -- seeing that it isn't always cancer.

((((Pat))))

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Pat,

Your timing for this post is so odd. I had a headache off and on for last few weeks and awoke very early Saturday with one so severe I couldn't lift my head off the pillow. After a while I got nervous (despite a history of migraines) and asked my son to drive me to the E.R. Once there, back in those all too familiar surroundings, the panic set in and I began convincing myself that, like Bill, I had cancer that had metastized to the brain and this was causing my headache. I was out of control, certain that I was the expert and demanded an MRI. In the end and after a CT Scan and a spinal tap, it turns out that it was simply a migraine compounded by a severe sinus infection, but I was absolutely convinced that I had cancer.

Yes Pat, I understand. I am sorry that your losses have left you so insecure about such things and I will say a prayer for you, Kevin and Kevin's partner.

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(((Pat)))

You have endured such heartache in your life, I think is only "normal" to worry some. Please know that everyday I look forward to seeing your smiling face along side your heartfelt words. So many of us here get so much support from you. You are doing wonderful things here for everyone.

I have ALWAYS been a worrier when it come to my or my family's health. Dad getting lc certainly didn't help matters much. But I must say that I am doing much better now than when I first found out. I am in counseling which is helping alot. I am "learning", or trying to learn, to live each day as it comes. Easier said than done I know.

You are a remarkable lady. I am so sorry for all your loss. Extra special prayers for you today.

Blessings,

Teresa

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Pat!!!

I'm thinking that having been slammed so hard by loss and illness in your life naturally lends itself to two reactions.

One is what you are experiencing and I've somehow landed in the "other" possibility. I'm more on the same page as JB (no surprise there JB! :wink: ) What is going to happen to me is of little consequence anymore. I know people keep telling me that I'll have a different opinion if I get the big "C" diagnosis, but I'm really not so sure. I live how I live, unhealthy and all, and don't really worry or care about tomorrow. My kid's have become paranoid about me (they want one parent around) and likewise, I've become increasingly paranoid about their health.

My heart breaks for your losses and the resulting fall out. I know this stress is coupled with stress in other areas of your life and that only compounds the problem. (((Pat)))

I'm sorry that you are going through this and I think a visit with dinner is in order for the two of us! :D

Debi

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Welthy ... I thought I was the only one that had this reaction I have to grief. And I'm talking even before my mom passed away but after diagnosis.

With my kids (ages 13 and 18), I've become paranoid; however, with myself, I've just adopted the feeling that I don't worry about it. Whatever happens happens. I'd rather not die anytime real soon if given the option, but on the flipside, I don't know if I have a real interest in living to be 85 or 90 if I have to run to the doctor at every symptom to achieve that. If I have an obvious problem, I'll go to the doctor. Maybe it's a reaction of spending soooo much time at the doctors between my mom and husband that I've just had my quota.

I know that that is selfish in a way, because I should try to be around for a while for my kids' sake. I used to be a hypochondriac and the last coupla years I've done a 180.

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I'm not sue that ANY of us here are 'normal' anymore, Pat.......and I only mean that in the most loving and supportive way. I HAVE had cancer, and in spite of doing well for the past 3 years, I envision EVERYHING as cancer. Yes, I have headaches now. So today's brain MRI will reveal tomorrow what's up with that. Fred sounds hoarse and his voice is strained very often. I want a CT of the throat or SOMETHING done. I'm sorry that this is the way for most of us here, Pat. So, dear and wonderful woman, you are as normal as the rest of us here. What I think is that it's the REST of the world that's off a bit!

I'm sending wonderful vibes to all of you experienceng this in your lives. May we all meet in rehab. Maybe in addition to the Pub, we need a therapy room. And I am not making fun at all. I truly mean it!

Love,

Kasey

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Pat,

I am a worrier too. I tend to jump to conclusions about any and every ailment that affects me, my kids, my dad, my siblings. It is a very stressful way to be. I am trying very hard to take things as they come. In my head, I know that most of the things I worry about are just in my head and that I am making more of it than needs to be, but in my heart I just can't bear the thought of anything else happening in my family. I can't imagine going through everything you have gone through. :( I think in my head I am thinking that if I imagine whatever "could" happen I will be more prepared for it. Not sure if that makes any sense. I am getting better over time. I realize that even though my mom died at 52, she lived 52 years not worrying about everything like I do. She enjoyed her life. I am trying to be more like her. I don't want to be the one who lives to be 100- miserable, stressed, and unhappy worrying about everything and everyone in my life. That is what I keep telling myself to get through. I want to enjoy my life! I know my mom would want me to.

Jill

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