Bad Dream

[teriw]

Last night I had a restless night with little or no sleep, until this morning when I had a vivid dream. It's not the first time I've had a dream like this, but it's been a while. Bill and I were in some kind of semi-separation. It was his choice. Coming and going. In the dream I'm hurt and angry and not understanding. I never get a good answer back from him. Then in a fit of accusations I say something like, "I don't think you would take care of me if I ever got sick." And then he went silent. I wake up briefly then fall back into the dream. We're driving in the car. He looks at me like he's really annoyed or possibly hurt, and says, "I can't believe you think I wouldn't help you if you were sick." Something like that. I wake up for good. At this moment, I'm still upset and very unsettled by it.

I watched 4 episodes of Grey's Anatomy last night. I think partly because of the hospital scenes, I went to bed obsessing about things that happened in Bill's last days. Things I regret or wish were done different. Those "if onlys." I think I'll forget about hospital shows for a while.

I remember Katie's post about what dreams mean. I wonder if this dream means that I'm angry at Bill for leaving. I know it's very common, but I've never consciously felt that. Particularly as I'm right on the cusp of having to take another big step (finances and new work) that just accentuates his absence. Or maybe it's me I'm angry at. I don't know.

This morning I have a breakfast with two women from one of my grief groups (the one I've only been to twice). I'm glad I have that to go to.

Anyone have similar experiences?

[Nick C]

I never had a dream like this, but that greys anatomy...I've steered completely clear since Mom left. Number one she loved the show, but number two...it is a bit too much.

As far as anger goes...it's an uncomfortable emotion, but remember, the opposite of love is not hate or anger...it's indifference. You are clearly not indifferent.

I am angry at Mom for not being here. I'm angry about a great many things. It took about a year before I recognized and admitted that "Yes, Mom, I'm angry that you aren't here for all of this." And the day I realized it, I really connected with her. Because I realized how she would have felt if she were disconnected from me in a human way...she'd be angry too.

But she's not disconnected from me, I am from her. So I take comfort that she can still experience the happiness she experienced with me from where she is now.

[lilyjohn]

Sometimes I am convenced that our dreams really mean something and at others I realize that much of them come from our own sub conscience. I had a dream several times about Johnny leaving me. In the dream I knew that he was sick and needed me but he didn't want me to see him sick and he didn't want me to see him die. I think a lot of that dream was based on things he had said in the past or the fears I had when he was diagnosed. I also think part of it was because he did leave me. Not by choice. He really wanted to fight for his life. He wanted to live but in the end he left me and I was hurt and angry and wanted to make it all go away and have him back with me again.

Anger is an emotion we have all experienced at someone's death. Also the questions about our own actions or non actions leave us with guilt feelings. I have come to believe those are natural too. Your Bill knew how hard you faught for him and how much you gave to him. He didn't want to leave you but had no real choice. Dreams are so hard to understand but some are just dreams and others are more. I hope soon you have one that is not only more but a very good "visit" from Bill.

[nyka69]

(((Teri)))

I avoid all medical shows (even the farses like Scrubs). They bring back too many painful memories.

I haven't had a dream like this, but do get bouts of the "what ifs". What if I had done X,Y,Z differently when he was sick? Then, why did he have to get sick at all?

I think we work out our stress in dreams sometimes. Being widowed leaves us plenty of reason to be angry and/or insecure.

I'm glad you had the opportunity to spend time today face-to-face with someone who "gets it".

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[teriw]

Thanks for your insights. Every one of them valuable, as always.

Nick -- what you said about the acknowledgment of your anger bringing you closer to your mom. That's so interesting to me. It's real. It's like any relationship between two living people -- if one or both is denying any significant feeling, a door is closed. Great insight. Thank you for sharing that.

It was so refreshing to have breakfast with these two "girls." Both in their 40s as well. Both lost their husbands in 2007 to illness (one cancer who died just one week after Bill; one ALS). All of us at a similar point in our journey. I guess I really needed that this morning, and I didn't even talk about the dream. I did talk about the regrets, and leaned I wasn't alone. Then I came home and took a nap.

Hugs back...

[Tanner]

Teri

I dream about Karen a lot. Less now than I did 6 months ago, but it is still a lot. Mostly on nights when I have watched ER - her favorite show AND a frigging doctor show - or have had her on my mind all day.

In my dreams, she is dead, but doesn't look dead. She looks like herself - herself before cancer. And we all know that she is dead, but here she is. And I have to tell her that it is time for her to go to heaven. That she is dead and we are going to be OK and that she needs to move on.

Very weird. And very unsettling. I'm not sure dreams mean anything. But I do know that for a long time I was concerned that if it were in her power she would stay here with us and never move on to where she needed to move on to. I was afraid that she was gonna hover and not go to heaven. And that reflected in my dreams. But how I hated having to tell her night after night after night to leave us. It broke my heart night after night after night - and does in the re-telling of it.

Here's to hoping we have pleasant dreams about our spouses tonight!!

Anne

[Linda661]

Teri:

You're not alone in that kind of dream. I've had several dreams fairly recently of me and both of my parents....and I wasn't watching any medical shows on TV the night before, if that helps.....

Both of my parents are present in my dream and there are arguments going on. These dreams seem to be more about me working out my hidden anger issues that I held back in life -- like I never felt that my mom would support me if I was ill or needed help...well, I never got to find that out in "real life" but it was a feeling of mine because of how I saw her as a person in life.

I've had several of these kinds of dreams in the last few months. From what I surmise, it's our subconscious attempting to heal us by bringing up these kinds of scenarios for us to be aware of, feel, and move beyond.....

Glad you brought this up. I thought these were rather odd and misplaced somehow -- they make more sense now. Not sure yet about what my dad was doing in the dreams....the focus so far has been with my mom....but they may not be over yet either.

Linda

P.S. Not sure if significant, but I am aware that they have passed in these dreams. Sometimes I bring that up in the dream

[Ann]

I seem to go through times when I dream a couple of times a week and then I'll go for weeks with no dreams. I once had a dream about Dennis that left me feeling much as you did after your dream. I dreamed that I was calling Dennis on the phone, asking him to help me. He told me he couldn't help me and I would have to call someone else who could help. I felt so abandoned when I woke up.

[Patkid]

This thread iterates so well what I try to say when I say that I realize I am ALONE>

I hate it.

Of course we are angry.

Relationships require effort we have little but memories for our effort

I know Bri would have cared for me if things were turned about but...............................

Love

P