Sheri Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I was at my daughters basketball game tonight and when I had the chance, I told her to win this one for Papa. Her 16 yr old self brushed me off as if I was bothering her. This was a game my Dad would have been at. Halftime, I went out to my car and cried my eyes out. The fog is lifting and I'm so afraid I'm going to fall apart. One of the last things my Dad said to me was I needed a new job. He was right, my last job stripped all of our healthcare benefits. Two months after his death, a job fell in my lap, more money and great benefits. Today, I got chewed out by the boss because a grant report was not submitted that I had no clue was due. I stayed late and guessed what report was to be submitted and did so. I feel like walking into the bosses office tomorrow and telling her, out of the top two worst things that could ever happen to me, one has already occurred. The other would be my daughter dying. I just want to escape, go sprawl myself on my Dad's grave and die. The shock of his death is wearing off and I'm intolerant of small shyt. Losing my job, my house and livelihood pales in comparison to the great loss I've already endured. I'd give it all up to have him back. I AM my Dad, only female and younger. If I could talk to him right now, he'd put me back in perspective. He was the more sensible of us two. He was married three times and told me I was his soulmate and best friend. I just want him and I've been screaming at the top of my lungs tonight for him. I am under medical supervision and have many therapists in my work at my disposal. I think this may be the beginning of a complete breakdown. I hope dawn brings a new light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leslie Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Sheri-- I can really relate to your post tonight. I feel like I am pretty close to losing it myself. For the first six weeks after my dad died, I thought I was handling everything pretty well. I now realize that it was because I was completely in shock--and couldn't really feel anything. But now, 10 weeks later, the feelings are coming and they are so overwhelming. My pendulum swings between feeling rage, overwhelming sadness, and total despair. My poor husband has been wonderful--but I know that I'm pretty hard to be around right now. A million times a day--the thought "My dad is dead"--goes through my head. Each time it does, it's like being punched in the gut. It's like an internal monologue that only has one line. I feel as if I've had part of myself amputated...and all my body can do is fixate on the part that's not there. To make matters worse, like you, I'm in a job that I cannot stand. So stupid...so not where I want to be in my life right now. Not where I thought I would be. But of course, that's how everything feels right now...I feel so disconnected from my life. I feel like my life is going on somewhere else--and somehow I took a wrong turn and got here...I don't know if you remember "Choose Your Own Adventure Books"--but I feel like somehow I chose the wrong page to go to and I can't get back to my story. My dad was my foundation...If I was feeling depressed, my dad was the one that could put me back upright...he always knew the right thing to say..he always believed in me. I miss so many things about him. His kidness, how funny he was, the way he would just take care of things...we seem so vulnerable right now. And I am just so scared. Sheri, I am so sorry to hijack your post...but I was pretty much about to write the same one that you did tonight. I hope tomorrow brings you calm and strength. Best, Leslie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomsGirl Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Sheri, I'm so sorry. I know where you are in all this, when the fog starts to lift and reality sets in. My mom died in the summer, too, and it was winter when I really fell apart. My heart breaks for you. If it's any comfort whatsoever, we are here, and we all get it... (((Sheri)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kamataca Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I hope tomorrow burns brighter for you. I often feel lost with out my Mom--that one person who was always happy to see me, always had time to listen to me, and always dished out good advice (whether I wanted it or not). I'm praying for peace for you. I know this is so very tough. Kelly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Ok my turn. Having lost my wife 2 years ago on tuesday after 10 years of marriage and 3 years of dealing wiht cancer and also 3 weeks short of oour 10th anniversary Jan 22nd is a day I am not looking forward to but...... In dealing with her death and it SHOCKED everyone even her oncologist, these are things I have done and it seemed to help me out some. I do understand your pain and your grief, so I am not trying to preach or anything but trying to help out of course. 1) Throw eggs.. Cheap therapy and of course wscreaming or yelling out the anger is always encouraged. Aim for the backyard fence and throw as hard as possible. you have to get ALL the anger and frustration out and this is a safe inexpensive way. 2) Talk to them. I used to go out at nite and under the stars, Talk to deb every single nite. Told her how good or bad my day was, how her Daisy Dawg was doing, anything and everything. Cried til my head hurt some nites too. but talked to her every nite and then said my prayers fro all my friends under a star lit sky. Saounds crazy but it helped ME!! 3) Look for a sign. is there something that Dad loved and you know about? Or Mom? In my case, Deb was nicknamed the Honey Bunny! ANd after she ppassed I saw a little bunny in my front yard one morning, and many more mornings. That was my Honey Bunny. everytime I see a bunny I think about Deb in our special way. Sounds crazy but it helped ME. I hope something helps here. I do lnow how hard this has been on so many of us that have lost loved ones. No matter what the special relationship was. I wisih i had the magic cure for this third New Normal but I don't. Many people talk about being diagnosed with cancer as the new normal but there is another New Normal that we as care giver survivors have toi endure, and it is almost as bad as their New Normal.. Hugs and Prayers this morning. Creeping back into my dark place for a week but still here with all my lights on. The sunwill come up this morning and it will be cold and rainy but we are doing this our way, and thats the important thing right now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 ((((Sheri)))) I read your post last night but just didn't have a clue what to say. I guess I still don't, but just want you to know that people care what you're going through. Perhaps you saying that to your daughter brought a "downer" on her game day. She may be handling her grief in a different way. Or, perhaps she's having a hard time handling your grief. I think back to when my grandparents both died. I was in my 20s for both. I was so consumed with my own grief in the first few weeks, I don't think I ever even gave a thought to what my mom was going through. I really don't. I also got over those horrible feelings pretty quickly, to be honest. And I adored my grandparents (still do!). It's different for her. One day at a time, Sheri. And if you must, one hour or one minute at a time. Perhaps a grief group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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