AndyT Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 In a moment alone outside yesterday, I asked Dad to visit mom if he could so she knew he made it....and I'd love to get a sgin too if he could. My wife brings our mail over an hour or two later....I have a gift card...sent to you by George Thomas. Sign or coincidence i don't know, like to think it was my sign. Oh the irony...dad gives me a gift on the day he passes. He's giving all to us even while gone. God help me...I'm a wreck this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 Silver Linings...home, showered and no more tears for now...sun is trying to brake through the clouds. Mom and I slept on their recling sofa last night holding hands. She wasn't ready to go back into their bed yet, so Jen & I stayed with her. We woke and I shared some of your thoughts (sorry i didn't check who's)and we cried together.....Dad went to celebrate Pup's brithday in heaven..mom said dad had actually discussed it would be his dad's (Pup's) 113 during his transfusion. My pup started family very late. Also shared that I would never be able to tell him, but he knew my son would carry is name. Also shared that HE might actually be the FIRST to meet them. oh how we cried on that...but kind-of a good way. Time to go back over and start with planning...hopefully this is the last post I'll send out for a while. May peace, love and happiness find each of you and your loved ones!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 Some Laughs today as only our family could...meeting with the director, Eric, for plans...between the tears....we took over the home. We kept changing the obit, so my wife Jen just went to his offive to type a new ones on his computer...even added an icon to his computer. Others bouncing from 1 room to the next picking out options. Halfway through Eric shakes his head and said "I've lost complete control of this". We discussed spreading dad's ashed on Pops favorite golf hole and having a huge bash at the course to do it. Eric said he doesn't golf, but thinks he'd enjoy coming to a party with us. We may just have to invite him. Next on to my brothers, food, drinks and stories flowing. Dad would have loved this!!! We have begun the irish send off. Days of family, drinking, eating, laughing and crying. Tribute to a man who put family above all things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat127 Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 I was just about to ask you if you were Irish. In the words of an oncologist friend of mine who in fact is Irish but knows nothing about being Irish, we Irish are funny about our funerals. Our poor funeral director didn't know what to make of my family when my mum died, but he loved dealing with us! I always figure if I can laugh rather than cry, I'll take the laughing. Your family sounds similar. Not that I don't do my share of crying mind you. So sorry for your loss Andy, but it sounds like you and your family will be just fine and will soldier on as best you can! My prayers are with you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomsGirl Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 I love what Kelly said about your dad already meeting your little ones. I remember being very pregnant, a month after I lost Mom, crying to my Godmother over my mom never meeting this baby. She just shook her head and said in her very British accent, "What do you think all that kicking is about? Everyone knows that angels and unborn babies are the best of playmates...your mom met that little one the minute she left this earth..." Keep posting Andy, and don't worry about "bringing everyone down". I used to worry about that too, but that's what this board is about..venting, giving and receiving support, sharing your sad, happy, and/or meaningful experiences. It really helps sometimes to write it down and get it out... Hang in there... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 Thank you Michele. Cat..yes we are very funny about them. Relatives have been pouring into town since Friday night. This is the 1st desth since Jen joined our family and she has been amazed with the way we do things. Another BAD morning. Mom & Dad went always went to 7:30 mass. I started going again after his dx....This morning neither of us can face mass without him. These little things seem huge without our loving leader. Bawled non-stop this morning. Jen told me this morning that Dad will keep our babies safe for another month or two so they can be born healthy and strong. We've suffered 2 miscarriages this year...so hoping he can help from there. trying to find a way he can still lead us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 Forgot to mention the latest "coincidences". Got a phone message from coworker friday, he wanted to do something for family. He shows up at mom's yesterday with a giant meal of beef burgendy stew....the exact same last meal that dad raved about. Mom's sign that i prayed for??? Also friday's mail included an accidental extra shipment of Thing 1 & 2 onsies for the twins that dad thought were so cute and my favorite xmas present from Jen. This set will now go with him!! My uncle told us his saint jude candle burned out thursday night....dad's last. These may all be just coincidences and we are grasping to make them into "signs". Everything is surreal now...trying to make sense of the insanity of it. Tears have stopped for now...I have to run out soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 Probably last entry of the day: Tonight is a small open casket viewing for close family only, maybe I'll share why later. We are all putting something in with him as a send off. Twins are giving the onsies & ultrsound pics, Jen...a note & celtic cross made of irish peat she from xmaz last year that he loved. Me...a note that I'm still drafting in my mind and the St Jude Book Jen got me for xmas. Told Dad I'd let him read it when I was done. I only got half way, but it's going. Dad leaving us on Friday is teaching me that we may not always get to finish all we planned in life....BUT that's ok!! It's more about the enjoyment of what we complete and sharing that part with family. So he will get my half finished book! Funny..I'm "Mr Engineer"..cold hard facts, numbers, proof & realism. I've spent the last 2 days thinking only about signs, heaven and philosophy. I bet Pops is getting a real kick out this!! Sitting somewhere with the cute little smirk and twikle in his blue eyes that he always got when he just pulled one over on someone. Well time to get ready to go pick out photos for the memory boards for the general viewing. Can't wait to go over them with family during lunch and share stories about them...might even have a toast or two. Sun is shining again! Wishing everyone a loving day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 Viewing was hard! Some violent bawling by all. But we did have a few laugh and some flasks were flying around. One last drink w/Pops. The man that loved family and a family party even more. He looked incredible, dad had started putting some of the weight back on since the dx...he weighed 181 at the transfusion. Mornings are sooo hard, that was our time to share coffee when we were together. Or we talked on the phone every morning if we couldn't. Not sure which is worse the pain or the hollow empty feeling. Wondering if the emptiness will ever go away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atlanta1 Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Hi Andy - sounds like your family is the best! I am thankful that you and all of us online support folks have this website to come to no matter what the emotion. Happy, sad, confused, overwhelmed or grieving - there will always be someone here to hold you up. So keep posting...as long as you need to - and then when babies come - we want to know all about them! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Andy: I am so very sorry to hear about your dad...what a loss for you and your entire family. He sounds like a wonderful man and I can't begin to comprehend the hole that leaves in your heart. I truly believe those are "signs" from him and that the comfort you get from them are meant to be. Wishing you and your family peace and comfort in the days ahead. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Andy, please accept my condolences at your loss. It sounds like you all have been having good grief letting. My family is Irish and I am well acquainted with the energies and dynamics that you speak of. I speak to my deceased brother, father and grandparents often in my head. sometimes images of them just pop in and I say hello. Don M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 21, 2008 Author Share Posted January 21, 2008 Amy- Thank you...Our family is incredible, we were taught that they are the most important thing in life. Without them this would be impossible. Linda- I so hope you are right. Don - I hope I'm blessed with images of my father popping into my head for the rest of my days. Today, dad's chemo nurse called..he was to start his 2nd cycle today. She wanted to let us know how sorry she was and that she had not expected this so soon. Sweet of her to call as she only met mom, dad and uncle a few times. The memory boards are great, we've laughed & cried while putting them together. I wish we could do more to honor Dad. He deserved it as he gave all to us. Leaving shortly for general viewing. I'm scared!! I haven't seen and talked to a non-family member since this all happened. Spent 20+ hours/day at mom & dad's house since 5:00 Friday morning. I'm so scared of a complete breakdown when I see friends, neighbors, co-workers, etc. Really don't know if I'm strong enough to do it. God give me some strength tonight!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 We got through it..I'm so proud of Mom...She did so good with everyone. Eric said he thought at least 300 people stopped in. It may have been closer to 400. The line started before 6 and was all the way out the door and down the hall till after 8:00. It took over 2.5 hours to get everyone in. So great to see and hear how many lives Dad touched. People loved and laughed at the pictures. Raised a toast or two and then back to Mom's for more food, drinks and family....not sure if it shoud be "Mom's" or still "Mom & Dad's". Seems wrong to call it Dad's since he's gone, but too much like he's been erased not to. Stupid to think something like that creates a struggle in my mind. Dad's Pulmonologist called yesterday with he condolences...she was such a great doctor. Can't beleive she called too. Jen and I came home last night...first night we weren't with mom. I feel like I'm on autopilot...just going through the motions this morning. Shed a tear or two again this morning, but feel more like a robot. Hollow and machine like...nothing seems to matter a whole heck of a lot. One last decision to make this morning...Dad coached bowling to kids for 25 years. When they found out Saturday morning, they all signed a bowling pin and sent it to the family. I can't decide if I should keep it or send it with him. Funeral Mass is this morning so I have to decide qickly.....just don't know!!! Bless each of you in your struggles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted January 22, 2008 Share Posted January 22, 2008 Oh Andy - I am so sad for you, your mom, your entire family! Your dad sounds like an amazing man and loved by so very many - what a legacy of love he left behind. There seem to be so many internal struggles and decisions to be made now and I would just say to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to. It sounds as though you are open in discussing your feelings and that is a good thing. My husband struggled over the same thing when his dad passed about what to call the family home - for quite sometime it was still mom and dad's; over the years the home is now referred to as mom's. Whatever feels right for you and your family is the right answer for you. Whatever decision you make about the bowling ball (what a sweet idea from the team) will be made from your heart and will therefore be the right decision. Again, I am sorry about your loss and I pray the days will be filled with good memories of him. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 22, 2008 Author Share Posted January 22, 2008 Linda...thank you so much. Sorry your husband had a similar dilemia, but comforting to know being I'm not crazy for being troubled of such a silly matter. Again some of the little matters seems huge. Funny you should mention I seem open to talking...from all this you would never know I'm the exact opposite.....like a clam. "Mr. Engineer" cold hard facts only, leave emotions out. Talking about my feelings is so hard for me, so I'm writing it down here to keep from exploding. This is the first time in my 37 years to put my feelings on "paper". It seems easier than holding it in. I can also stay reserved because i'm not even sure anyone reads it and if they do....they would never know who I am. I may share these writings with my mom and wife someday, but not sure. Funeral mass was nice..heartbreaking, but nice. The priest did a great job of capturing dad and addressing mom. Dad was pretty active in church through the years so the priest was able to add his personal wishes. My sister-in-law read a very nice letter describing dad as part of the service. My brother and I hugged and cried after loading pops into the hearse. Just stood and bawled on each other while staring at the closed doors. Tough to imagine I'll never be close to him again. The party has been raging all afternoon, I just woke from napping after the much too frequent "raising of the glass" to the man we loved so much. Dinner and card games are starting now...slower paced enjoyment of the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Andy...you sound like my husband when I first met him as he too had difficulty sharing emotions; however, in the last 20 years (he is 41 now) he suffered the loss of his dad at that time, his 26 year old brother 8 months after that, and his 56 year old sister two years ago. In his case, it was necessary to find a way to release those feelings or it would cripple him. Writing this down for you is a release of sorts and that is a good thing. You are right - you are unknown to anyone personally here and thus, it is safe to share your feelings. You may find as time goes by that you'll be sharing these feelings with your wife (like my hubby) and you may not - either way, you are releasing those emotions and I think that is good. It is nice that the priest knew your dad and could make it more personal. Glad to hear you managed to sneak in a nap. I know the upcoming days will be difficult and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 Linda- I cannot imagine going through what you and your husband have been through. I'm having difficulty surviving this, couldn't imagine multiple losses. My mind just won't let me go there. We are going to try to get a glass case for the bowling pin and see if they will display it in the bowling alley. A tribute so the kids can see and remember him. Mom & Jen are still in bed. A lone tear this morning..not sure if I'm numb, out of tears or getting used to it. Something slighly disturbing about "getting used to it". I'm not sure that's good thing. Later today I think I'm going to type all the "signs" so I have them all in one place to print and save. Wishing strength and love to everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Andy - I just PM'd you. Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 Yesterday was a good day but some real raw emotions. We recieved 2 more calls from medical staff. First, Dad's oncologist called to express her condolences. She told mom that this was unexpected but dad would have had a long and hard road. She said Dad had the right attitude to make a run at it, but Mom should take comfort in that this way resulted in no pain. I try to tell myself that is comforting, but sometimes seems like a load of crap. Next was a call from the hospital nurse, Leslie, that gave his platelet transfusion. This is the nurse Dad joked with and tried to teach her how to play his handheld Sudoku on his last day on earth. She said she couldn't believe it was the same George Thomas when she read his obit. She said he was in too good of shape and too early in the fight for it to be the disease itself, she thought heart-attack or similar. I'm not sure how she confirmed it was him unless she called the Dr's office. So far we've heard from 2 Drs and 2 nurses, says a lot about their compassion to actually call mom when the pain is so fresh. Raw emotion: We were to go to the cemetary and pick a plot yesterday. We've lived in the area 25 years, but Dad is the first to be lost so we didn't have a family cemetary. Dad didn't like to discuss this stuff, so we had no idea. My sister, Lynette, needs the burial of his ashes quickly for her closure. My brother had his when they closed the hearse doors....no sure if I've had mine or when I will. I got very emotional yesterday because it seemed like every one wanted a quick decision so we could get it done today. I didn't hear anyone say about "finding the right place", just how quickly it needed done. I tried to keep this to myself, as it was very important to Lynette. But it seemed so disrespectful...my wife and mom made me discuss this with the family. VERY hard for me, but did it. Just couldn't look at anyone afterward for quite some time after the discussion, just too tough. Mom & Lynette found a plot they thought was great for him, so they tried to make arrangements. However for a multitude of reasons it will not happen until next Friday. I don't know if I'm pained or relieved that we have a week break before doing this. We have decided to separate his ashes for release, burial and my brother. This is frowned upon by the Catholic Church, but I feel good about it. Dad reached out and touched so many in his short life that it would seem wrong to limit his ashes to one place after his death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Andy- I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. You and your family will remain in my prayers. You are a wonderful son - I am sure your dad is looking down and smiling upon you!! Hugs - Patti B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 Thank you Patti, very sweet of you. I sure hope and pray that he is!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsC1210 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Andy I have been following your posts here and wanted to say thank you for sharing this very emotional and painful journey with us. I wish I had words to ease the pain but please know that you and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyT Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 Thank you Christine. Prayers and thought will help us get through this. As I'm leaning towards saving this this and sharing it with Jen & Mom when I'm "done"; I want to elaborate on 2 things. 1. Separating Dad's ashes was decided at our very first meeting with Eric and not the result of yesterday. 2. Even though I never heard "right place" in the discussions, that's what other meant. I was just so afraid of a compromise selection just to get it done. This goes to show that "what's being said" is not alsways "what's being heard" even with a very close family like ours. Doesn't take much for miscomunication while living in the emotions of the time. My brother and I aren't much for graveside visits, so we left selection to Mom & Lynette. I may visit, but right now I think I'm more comfortable talking to dad while I'm in the woods, on the road or just place that I "feel him". I still haven't forgotten to write down our signs/coincidences just haven't taken the time. We spend most of the day hanging out with family, mostly playing cards, eating, laughing with some occasional drinking and crying. Every day is getting a little easier and more next steps are being taken. I'm so glad I have my family and this board to write on. God bless all of you and may you find peace and happiness! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueeye Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Andy, I just wanted to add that I am so sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing all that you are dealing with. I couldn't have done it so eloquently, but I felt ALOT of the same things...like leaving the comfort of family for the first time and what to call the family home?? After my Dad died, it was Mom's house. And now, it's still Mom's house when I refer to it. (I guess if I get technical, that's whose name the property is in.) My brother has never shared emotions with me like you just did...we were/are close, but he's never opened up like that. Congratulations to your parents for what a good job they did! My thoughts are with you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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