It's Over.

[AndyT]

Thank you Blueeye...sorry to hear you had to go through this too, but comforting to know others have felt similar issues. I'd like to say I've shared these feelings with George Jr (bro) or Lynette, but I haven't. I've shared a little of them w/ mom & Jen, but mostly just shared them with a keyboard (here or at home).

I woke up this morning on Mom's reclining sofa and realized I was in the exact spot of dad's chair. George rearranged the furniture while we were at the cemetary on Wednesday looking for plots. I had mentioned it to mom & him and mom really liked the idea of something "new". Dad's chair is no longer the focal point of the room. Anyway, I was laying there and realized that exactly 1 week ago today they took Dad away. I didn't cry just an ache and emptiness....but a definite kind of peace. Not sure when or where it started, but seems to have been growing. Maybe it started when the hearse doors closed, or it drove away or no specific event...but something is definitely different. I hope and pray that this peace continues to grow and take away some of the emptiness. I also pray that each of you and your loved ones experience PEACE in your life.

[AndyT]

I’ve been saying for several days I’d jot down our “signs” that have helped us. Jen and I had counted 9 different ones, but I can only recall 8 now. Therefore I want to get them down now before I forget another:

1. 1/17: George Jr reformats his cell phone and included new wallpaper of clouds and sky. Doesn’t realize until afterward that the result- “Dad’s Phone” being written above the clouds…kind of looking down through them.

2. 1/17: Dad says his prayers before going to bed. Dad always said them in the morning and at the time mom thought it strange.

3. 1/17: My uncle had his St Jude candle burn out tonight. Dad asked us all to pray to St. Jude and my uncle got this candle on xmas.

4. 1/18: Jen and my sister-in-law wake and get moving at 4:30 AM. Neither of the 2 gets up early. Dad died at 4:30 and we got the call around 5:00.

5. 1/18: Lynette’s boyfriend, Joey, was getting her coffee while Lynette got ready to go to parents. He saw movement and saw dad standing in the corner looking at him. Dad was uncomfortable with Joey due to my sister was hurt in her divorce. Dad came around to liking and trusting Joey just recently. Joey said he doesn’t believe in such things, but absolute Dad was standing there looking at him. Joey said it was a look of “take care o her”. Joey asked what dad was wearing before he told anyone what he saw….he was pretty much on. He told my mom about it at the viewing.

6. 1/18: I prayed for signs for mom & I. Today’s mail included a gift from dad and an unexpected shipment of onsies for the twins.

7. 1/19: My coworker dropped off Beef Burgundy Stew for the family at Mom’s, Dad’s last meal on 1/17 that dad raved about. Coworker tried to get in touch on 1/18, but I didn’t return his call.

8. 1/21 – 1/23: We noticed butterflies (fake of course) in flower arrangements that arrived at the funeral home, George Jr’s and my house. The flowers at the funeral home were sent by my uncle & aunt, they knew nothing about a butterfly in the arrangement. The flowers and a card that were sent to Jen & I had 2 little butterflies. We had a 2nd card with a giant butterfly on the front. Both her and I instantly thought about the twins. The significance is that dad had night sweats and to deal with it Mom had improvised a half folded sheet would slip into, then in the middle of the night he could rip that off without disturbing the rest of the bed and still have dry sheets to finish the night. Mom always joked that it was Dad’s cocoon and that come spring Dad would be a butterfly.

I’ve never been a believer in “signs” but sometimes it’s tough not to look back at these and wonder and hope. I think sometimes it's people grasping for things, but Jen looks at it as if you are open to them...you'll see them. Not sure where I stand on them any more. I know most if not all the family has taken A LOT of comfort in these. Sorry for the long post, but wanted to get this down before I forgot anything else.

[AndyT]

#9: Dad died on his father’s birthday.

I went to the youth bowling this morning. This is the same one that Dad & I coached for so many years together. It is time to start slipping back into the world and I figured this was a safe easy way to do it. If I couldn’t stand it, I could slip out and nobody would mind. I didn’t do a whole heck of a lot, just took up space, shook some hands and collected hugs. However. I MADE IT! Life has started again, it will never be the same but I don’t think I want it to be. Dad was much a huge part of my life that going back to the “same” wouldn’t be right. Life can still be good….just very different.

I want to thank Katie and Rick for these boards. I also want to thank ALL of you for your kind words, encouragement and tolerance of all my raving over the last 8 days. I don’t think I could have survived this if I didn’t have a place to put all of this. In fact I'm sure I couldn't have. Over the years I always hoped and dreamed that I’d pass before my father because I didn’t think I had the strength to survive his loss. Somehow I found the strength by typing away here. Not only did I survive, but I’ve also learned something about myself. I can actually relate my feelings to others, maybe not in the conventional way but I can do it. This was never “me”. I’ve never seemed to be able to express myself, so I’ve always kept my feelings to myself. I huge part of me died last Friday, but somehow I’ve discovered a small new part. Who knows….maybe someday I can show that part without a keyboard. The hole in my heart will never go away, but I can and WILL survive it.

I pray, that I become half the man my father was…I pray, that he will continue to watch and be proud of me…..and I pray that I may get an occasional sign from him so I can him in my life. Love and miss you Pops!!! I also pray that everyone finds a way to grow and survive in this life regardless of how impossible it seems.

Take care of yourselves and let everyone know how important they are in your life and make as many memories as possible…………..God Bless all of you, AndyT