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This has to make you laugh..... can relate!


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If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with

you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a

regular workout routine . . .

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of

personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead

and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the

machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her

aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to

be a FANTASTIC week-!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then

she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but

I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I

feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer

or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and

when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My

chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair

monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me

get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shi_ too.


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a

half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I

ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that witch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any

other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,

anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if

you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and

I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been

someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want

to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

daughter (the little shi_) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a

root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend

over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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