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My "one year" starts today


blueeye

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Last year on 2/1/07 I planned to have a heart to heart with Mom about how she "seemed" to me. I had done the research, and put it all together--the apathy with taking care of herself and the house, the not eating very much and loss of weight, etc. I came to the conclusion that I thought she was depressed about losing my Dad and I had gotten some books about losing a spouse and was going to use them as an "opener". I got there after work and she was waiting on me! She told me she had some issues we needed to take care of and showed me the mass on her neck that she had been covering up with turtlenecks for months. As I type this, I feel the same lightheadedness that I felt then. I tried to get her into see a doctor the next day but it was a Friday and no strings that I pulled worked out since most offices close early. We went to the ER the next day which is her mother's birthday. And thus our rollercoaser in hell began. :cry: Thanks in advance for listening. I'm glad that I'm off work today...no one there would understand.

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A good friend of mine who had experienced significant loss in her life before me told me this -- it's from a bunch of research she did to sort out what was happening to her over the years after loss, but she never gave me the book names or where she got this information:

To expect that significant dates such as the one you are in now to bring up the same feelings you had at the time -- our bodies have been "imprinted" if you will with the memory of our reaction because they were so emotionally charged for us at the time.

It's not uncommon to notice a fogginess in decision-making, fatigue, and a rush of those emotions around those dates (i.e. reliving those days all over again with the same emotions). It can begin as early as a week or two before the date and hang on for a week or two after as well. It can be quite debilitating too: it was affecting my friend's ability to do her job effectively at these times. Folks began commenting to her how she didn't seem "right" -- this is what got her to research it and that's when she made the connection....she hadn't realized at the time that it was occuring around these anniversary dates for her.

My friend warned me about this so I was prepared to not make any significant decisions and just be kind to myself at these anniversary dates. I'm only in my second "cycle" of this since losing my folks....she says that this comes up annually for at least several years, but it does diminish as each anniversary passes over time.

I've found this to be true personally so far. It's probably a phenomena that's not limited to parent-child loss, but my friend is a parent who had unexpectedly lost her son some years ago.

Linda

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I'm sorry for the memory of this day. I hope one day it will be replaced by comforting memories and reminders of your mom that make you smile and bring warmth and peace to you.

I hope tomorrow is a gentler day for you.

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Thanks guys.

Katie, tomorrow will probably be worse...that was diagnosis day. And I have to work (at the hospital where she died). Weekends at work are really hard. I'm in my department by myself on the weekend and that's worse. Not alot of people to distract me from those images that play in my head. Plus I used to check on her everyday about 10am and it just hits me so hard on the weekends. I tried to do positive things today, but I should have just stayed in bed. Nothing seemed to work out and I have part of the house key in my back door deadbolt to prove it.

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Leslie,

My heart goes out to you. I so remember "those" days the first year around. No one can know exactly what you feel , but many of us can very well try to imagine, based on our own heartbreaking experiences. I like to think that reliving these days is part of the healing process.

Hugs and God Bless,

Sue

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What has worked for me to help get me through this "anniversary syndrome" is:

1. Acknowledge the hurt and sadness as we feel it.

2. The hurt now has a chance to begin to heal if we will permit ourselves to not let our minds keep replaying what is no more. What I've been doing is spending time with nature sounds (like listening to the birds singing, the wind blowing, the rain falling) and/or playing calm, relaxing music (whatever that is for me on that day -- that's going to be personal preference)....the music picks aren't to distract my mind, they are to heal my soul, if you will.

I find that I cry alot doing this, but I can function pretty calmly -- I'll use periods of time to do what I have to in these days, but deliberately set time aside to do what I said above. The tears just come, but when they do, I don't feel the hurt anymore -- how can I say this better.....they are like "tears from nowhere."

Hope this helps,

Linda

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Thanks again guys. Linda, I think I will try those nature sounds. The music I like isn't really relaxing. I was really, really busy at work today which kept me distracted until I had to call the oncology radiation tech...she asked me how I was and then it started.

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