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feel emotionally awful today


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I feel numb. We had to take my mom to the hospital today. She has been out of it for the last three days. She has been sleeping 24/7, not able to finish sentences, she's shaking, not eating or drinking, she doesn't talk and when she does her words slur, she can't walk, she can't get from one sitting position to the next. The doctor took blood tests today and they filled her up with fluids. The doctor said that from the blood tests, the only thing she can see if malnutrition. Then she stated that my mom needs to start thinking of hospice. I'm at work right now and just can't keep myself together. I'm so mad at everything, everyone, anything. I don't want to give up hope, but I constantly feel tested. I'm sorry I'm having such a pity party right now. I'm trying to get it out of my system while I sit here at my desk just sick to my stomach. Just last week they took an xray of my mom and they say my mom has a spreaded 3.5 mass in the right lung now. She just had a CT scan a month ago and nothing showed in her right lung. Could it have grown that fast? I thought xrays weren't reliable and thought that CT scans were better indicators.

This has been a 7 month long nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I'm so sorry I'm being like this...I just have to get it out and I need to talk to people that understand.

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Guest Piermarie

I don't think anyone should ever feel badly about venting their frustrations or showing their emotions on this board. That's what it's here for and that is how it seems to help people get through.

It scares me and at the same time helps me to read what others are going thru since my mother also is stage IV. I don't think it prepares you, since I don't think that could ever be possible but at least you know there are friends here that can relate to what you are going thru. And in our everyday life, away from this board, that is rarely the case that you can talk to someone who's "been there" or "is there" like on this board.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your mom at this time and think of it as a hug to you from me....

Most Sincerely,


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i relive my moms battle when i read your post. My mom experianced the exact same things and the onc.'s could not tell us that there was anything major wrong either. BUT on further testing we discovered moms white cell count was SKY high 55,000. that indicated 1 of 2 things to us. either Lukemia had developed from the chemotherapy (which we read, ((not told)) could happen) or MAJOR infection somewhere. we never found out since mom passed away within a short time and due to her religious beliefs she did not want any autopsy.

BUT I add that my moms legs had swollen very badly and she was having major problems with her G-tube as well.

I don't know how to help you other than to offer my hope and prayers.

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Thanks for all of your kind responses. It's nice to have a place where people understand and respond to you so quickly!

I didn't go to work today and about to go to my parents house. Apparently my mom is in pain all over her body, she finally admitted it yesterday after my Dad picked her up and she started screaming. I think she's been in pain and doesn't tell us. I don't know why she keeps it from us. She's so strong emotionally, I don't know how she does it.

Should she be in the hospital? I'm wondering why the doctor isn't admitting her, is it because she can't find anything majorly wrong other than the cancer?

Shelly, do you think it could be the brain mets? Maybe they've come back?

I told my Dad last night that we need to start talking about hospice and he got really mad at me and told me I had a bad attitude and that he was going to kick me out of their house last night if I gave him any problems. It offended me so much because I believe I've done so much in this situation and it was like a slap in the face. I was so mad at him last night that I couldn't but a brave face for my mom because I just wanted to tell him off...but I eventually sucked it up but I left without saying goodbye to him. I can't even begin to understand what my Dad is feeling and I know this is very difficult for him but he takes his anger out on me. I'm trying to get my Dad to accept what is going on and I'm doing it so gently. I think my Dad thinks that if I'm saying hospice it means that I think he's not doing enough to take care of my mom(he thinks like that, he's a very defensive person) I want to do whatever possible to have my mom be in less pain and I think hospice can give us that support. The doctor called this morning and instead of talking to her on behalf of my family, I decided it's best if she starts talking to my Dad...maybe she can get him to understand. So my Dad talked to the doctor this morning, but I'm not sure what she told him.

Thanks for all of your support. It means a lot to me.

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This spell your mom is having is like that roller coaster ride you read bout sometimes on here. right now it is going up high on the track and when at that level, it is hard for us loved ones who are watching and not being able to make it better, - - for there is not much we can do but sit back and hope and pray for the best thing for our loved ones. I am assuming you are feeling okay with the dr. If by chance you are not then don't sit tight, get on the phone and fight for what you think should be done. Her cancer is not sitting still right now so one must be on the alert as to how is best to treat it. Hospice is a great thing if it is that time. Some of us don't want to consider hospice because it is hard, feeling that this may be the end showing its ugly face for our loved one but we must do whatever is best for the patient and not what is best for us.

Dad is having a hard time watching his loved one battle something that he has no control over. It is very depressing as you yourself are too. He sees the love of his life in discomfort and he cannot take it away. Your father getting upset at you was his way of trying to deal with this stress. He really didn't mean anything by it. I am sure he feels bad for coming down on you.I think turning over most of the responsibility to your father is a very good choice. He needs to be the one making the big decisions.

Hope this is just a little bend in the road and your mom snaps out of it and things look brighter tomorrow.

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Her body pain reminds me of bone mets. Sometimes someone can have bone mets thru-out their entire skeletal system and the intense pain you describe sounds like it. Also, sometimes doctors do not admit patients to the hospital that they can no longer help. Of course your mom definitely needs to go to the hospital or have hospice or at home care if her pain is not being managed properly.

God bless you all and I hope your mom will have a positive turn-around soon.

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Guest cecilia

Hi Natalie,

I, also, have my mom with stage iv nsclc. To watch someone you love suffering is unbearable at times, but I know you will get through it. Is there any way you can take some time off from work. I've had to and I am less stressed and I have more energy to help my mom. Does your mom have good pain meds? Maybe she needs stronger meds? I am very sorry that your mom is not doing well, but it seems as though this is a roller coaster ride, and that even after a bad day, a good one follows. Hang in there. Cecilia

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Thank you all for your time responding to my post. Since I wrote the post, my mom is doing so much better. She actually has managed to go shopping a couple of times this week and she's in better spirits, so she's back on Iressa. She actually isn't taking any pain meds now because she doesn't hurt. I don't know if she was fighting pneumonia and dehydrated or if her brain mets have come back. She is going in for a brain scan today and a lung scan tomorrow so we are a little anxious, but I'm praying for good results and trying to maintain hope.

Cecilia, I asked to go part time and my manager said he would help me out but he's left for vacation for 10 days and I'm running our department right now. I'm trying to take a few hours off here and there and trying to do some things at home. It would just be great to have a set part time schedule, but it has helped to take time off! You are definitely right!

Thank you all for your support.

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