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One kickin' party

Lee and Chi

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My Mom kicked lung cancer's butt in her own way. It might have taken her body, but it never took her soul, her heart, or her ability to give me "mom" eyes, right up to the end. (You know the ones, very similar to the "teacher" look...which, being a teacher, she was really good at.)

You hear people say it all the time, they don't want a funeral, they want a party. So I threw one heck of a party. Ok.....I fell apart, so I called in reinforcements who threw one kickin' party.

Every table had beautiful pink flower arrangements, with sea shells and sand. In the background we played the play list that she requested, The Beatles, Louie Louie, Jimmy Buffett. There was one of those gigantic palm trees that light up. Where the girls came up with that on such short notice I'll never know. Margaritaville has nothing on the celebration of my Mom's life!! Yes, we served beer, and of course, her favorite pink wine. True to southern style, there was food galore. It was exactly what she wanted, and it was fabulous, just like she was.

Did I know this day would come? Yes. Was I ready for it to come? Definitely not. Am I going to survive? hmmm.....one day, yes, I will have survived.

In the meantime, to be honest, it's just going to suck. So many things have already happened and I want to pick up the phone and call her. I got the research position I was going for, I aced my first assignment this semester (I was even amazed at myself), I'm going full steam ahead into the world of PhDs, I think I might have picked out a house plan and a neighborhood, I finally got my car tagged (took about 8 months....I was preoccupied).

And it's only been two weeks.

People around me keep saying that they are amazed that I am so strong and that they couldn't have kept going like I have. But what's on the outside is completely unrelated to what's on the inside. I guess they expect me to fall in a sobbing heap on the floor at any given moment, but my sadness just isn't going to come out that way. Mine is just an empty feeling on the inside, like some internal organ fell out and now there's just a big hole.

And that's ok, there's no wrong way to miss your Mom.

But I miss her so.......

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I'm so sorry for your loss. The way you celebrated your mom's life is a true testament to the life she led and the love you shared. I know she is so proud of you and is looking down on you with love. I pray for peace and strength as you go forward.



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I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Mom about 10 weeks ago. I love the idea of the party. I wish we would have done something like that. I also ran on "nervous energy" getting caught up for about a month after Mom died. Things have slowed down now...and it just sucks. There's still alot to do, but I am not in a hurry.

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I didn't know where else to go. So I just came back here. I have absolutely fabulous news, and no Mom to call. She would have jumped up and down and been so excited. I called my grandma, but she just burst into tears, so...I thought I'd give this a try.

I set the curve! I kicked butt! I took an exam last week in world's hardest course in a graduate program that is ranked in the top 20 in the nation...and I cleaned house. Despite everything that has gone on, I survived. I made it. I didn't wait for light at the end of the tunnel, I simply dug out the side of the tunnel.

And it hurts so much because my Mom was my biggest cheerleader and I can't call her up. My professor gave me some funny looks because I sobbed through the second half of the test, apparently stress causes a break down. But even still....I made it. I more than made it. I stomped on it.

I'm wondering who I am and what I've done with myself! I have so many mixed emotions, from happy to sad, overjoyed to angry. All over an exam.

I thought lung cancer was the roller coaster, but I think the aftermath might be worse.

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