One kickin' party

[Lee and Chi]

My Mom kicked lung cancer's butt in her own way. It might have taken her body, but it never took her soul, her heart, or her ability to give me "mom" eyes, right up to the end. (You know the ones, very similar to the "teacher" look...which, being a teacher, she was really good at.)

You hear people say it all the time, they don't want a funeral, they want a party. So I threw one heck of a party. Ok.....I fell apart, so I called in reinforcements who threw one kickin' party.

Every table had beautiful pink flower arrangements, with sea shells and sand. In the background we played the play list that she requested, The Beatles, Louie Louie, Jimmy Buffett. There was one of those gigantic palm trees that light up. Where the girls came up with that on such short notice I'll never know. Margaritaville has nothing on the celebration of my Mom's life!! Yes, we served beer, and of course, her favorite pink wine. True to southern style, there was food galore. It was exactly what she wanted, and it was fabulous, just like she was.

Did I know this day would come? Yes. Was I ready for it to come? Definitely not. Am I going to survive? hmmm.....one day, yes, I will have survived.

In the meantime, to be honest, it's just going to suck. So many things have already happened and I want to pick up the phone and call her. I got the research position I was going for, I aced my first assignment this semester (I was even amazed at myself), I'm going full steam ahead into the world of PhDs, I think I might have picked out a house plan and a neighborhood, I finally got my car tagged (took about 8 months....I was preoccupied).

And it's only been two weeks.

People around me keep saying that they are amazed that I am so strong and that they couldn't have kept going like I have. But what's on the outside is completely unrelated to what's on the inside. I guess they expect me to fall in a sobbing heap on the floor at any given moment, but my sadness just isn't going to come out that way. Mine is just an empty feeling on the inside, like some internal organ fell out and now there's just a big hole.

And that's ok, there's no wrong way to miss your Mom.

But I miss her so.......

[needhope]

What a beautiful way to celebrate your mom. Your strength despite your immense pain inspires me. I can totally relate to your story. I pray that you find easier days ahead as we are all trying to deal with the new "normal" after losing a loved one.

Rochelle

[Leela]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The way you celebrated your mom's life is a true testament to the life she led and the love you shared. I know she is so proud of you and is looking down on you with love. I pray for peace and strength as you go forward.

Hugs,

Lisa

[Brandyswa]

I think you did her celebration the right way!!! You are a very strong person and your mom is very proud of you. Keep up the great work and everytime Jimmy Buffett comes on she is telling you she loves you. you are in my thoughts and prayer

[fillise]

I think your mom would be so proud. It's ok to miss her and ok to be sad.

Susan

[shineladysue]

I am so sorry you have lost your dear Mom. Your celebration of her life sounds wonderful .

It was exactly what she wanted, and it was fabulous, just like she was.

Those words say it all. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers . Know that we will be here if you need us.

Sue

[AndyT]

Sorry for you loss, but it sounds very much like you honored and celebrated her life in a wonderful way.

There is no "right" way to grieve the loss of a loved one. Do what is right for you! Andy

[Steph74]

I'm so sorry - I just PM'd you.

[kamataca]

The way you describe it, I wish I could have been there! I know your mom was smiling down.

I was able to stay very busy for the first few months as well. It helps, but it doesn't erase the grief. I hope the next few weeks are kind to you.

Kelly

[sharyn]

Sounds like your mom would have definetely loved that party.... what a great tribute~~

[blueeye]

I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my Mom about 10 weeks ago. I love the idea of the party. I wish we would have done something like that. I also ran on "nervous energy" getting caught up for about a month after Mom died. Things have slowed down now...and it just sucks. There's still alot to do, but I am not in a hurry.

[Dollfinn]

I love what you were able to do for your Mom! A celebration of life, sounds grand. I seceretly pull out pictures of great days gone by, like Buffett at Jones Beach and smile. What a great tribute to your Mom, Im sure shes smiling down on you. Mary

[Lee and Chi]

I didn't know where else to go. So I just came back here. I have absolutely fabulous news, and no Mom to call. She would have jumped up and down and been so excited. I called my grandma, but she just burst into tears, so...I thought I'd give this a try.

I set the curve! I kicked butt! I took an exam last week in world's hardest course in a graduate program that is ranked in the top 20 in the nation...and I cleaned house. Despite everything that has gone on, I survived. I made it. I didn't wait for light at the end of the tunnel, I simply dug out the side of the tunnel.

And it hurts so much because my Mom was my biggest cheerleader and I can't call her up. My professor gave me some funny looks because I sobbed through the second half of the test, apparently stress causes a break down. But even still....I made it. I more than made it. I stomped on it.

I'm wondering who I am and what I've done with myself! I have so many mixed emotions, from happy to sad, overjoyed to angry. All over an exam.

I thought lung cancer was the roller coaster, but I think the aftermath might be worse.

[Kasey]

Well, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to you for such an amazing accomplishment!! Glad you decided to share it here. Now, because I like to know EVERYTHING , just what course are you following and where? How about some more detail so we can celebrate big time.

Kasey

[Steph74]

Congratulations Lee Ann, it's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it (and with such sadness in your life at this moment). Your mom would be so proud.