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My "too sensitive" question


blueeye

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My closest co-worker has really been hurting my feelings lately. Last week she told me about someone that she casually knows that is doing great with his lung cancer. Her words: He had a full scan and it was all clear when he was about to die a few months ago. It's not like I asked about him--she barely knows him. She doesn't know what kind of lung cancer, how far it had spread, what kind of treatments he had, etc. And she doesn't know carboplatin from procrit. So why did she even bring it up to me? It's not that I don't want anyone to get better and hear success stories. I do! But it seemed like she was rubbing my face in it. Am I being too sensitive??

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I don't know if you're being too sensitive, but if she is hurting your feelings, why not tell her? I think part of all this is we are very sensitive. I have been hurt by a couple of my friends that started to cut out of their lives. I had a talk with one of them-- I told her how I felt about something hurtful she did and she apologized. Things have been better since that talk, so I think if I were you I'd start a conversation with her and tell her how you feel.

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I agree with Rochelle.

I would let her know that success stories were great to hear when you needed hope for your mom, but that right now they make you very sad. That will def. put an end to those for a while.

There will be a time when success stories of those beating lung cancer will make you say "alright!" instead of "why couldn't it have been us"...but that takes a while when you are hurting so much.

I get it. And no, you're not too sensitive- you've just been there and "there" is a crappy place to have been.

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Since you mentioned that this was your 'closest' co-worker ~ maybe she just was feeling that being able to talk about LC would make you two even closer and let you know that she is somehow in the LC 'loop'. IF that's the case, she probably wasn't trying to be hurtful ~ maybe just the opposite. Whatever the reason, she missed the mark completely. Maybe just explain that to her.

Kasey

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I tend to agree with Kasey.

When my Bill was still with me, I used to tell him about people on the board who were in remission. One day I realized that as happy as he was to hear it, it hurt to hear because it was something that wasn't happening to him. I had always thought I was giving him hope -- like, "see it can happen!" But that was my perspective, not his.

No matter what the circumstance, people can be trying to relate or help, and it just hits you wrong. Your co-worker probably won't realize that without you speaking up.

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I think most people are awkward and uncomfortable just bringing up the "C" word, and they find themselves blurting out something without following the "engage brain before operating mouth" rule. Clueless? Yes. Insensitive? Maybe. Hurtful? Not intentionally.

I try to give people a LOT of slack if I believe their intentions are good. The next step would be an attempt to educate them, if not directly, then a day or so later in a subtle and oblique way. After a couple of these, if they still don't "get it," it's probably time to modify the relationship -- but without burning any bridges, because they may "get it" later and become a true friend.

Aloha from Ned, who as always is far better at giving advice than taking it!

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Thanks guys. Yet again this is one of those things I would have talked to my Mom about. :( And she would have said the same things yall did. I knew you'd get it.

When I'm in an "OK" place I know that my co-worker is trying to understand but just can't because she has never experienced such trajedy--and I am glad for her for not going through anything like I have. Right now I am enjoying being away from her for a few days...I need to try to talk to her. But so many times when I have been hurt and then say it out-loud, it just sounds stupid.

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I have found that when conversations are heading in a direction that I cant handle at the time If I tell the person that I am not in the mindframe to talk about it they will back off. I think you should tell her that your feelings and emotions are so raw right now that maybe cancer should be a topic that isnt discussed till you are ready. Dont feel stupid you have been thru an awful thing and until someone is there and has dealt with it then they have no idea how it is.

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Just caring that came out wrong.

Hard for people that were not

touched by lc to express themselves

even with their friends.

Had many people telling me good

news they heard about people with

lc just after Mike died, those news

would have been fine six monthe previous

but hurtful at the time they were said.

Just clear the air with your co-worker

she may have realized what she did.

Hugs

Jackie

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I am so sorry for my previous post. I didn't realize your Mom had passed..so in that case..I do think the remark was ridiculously uncalled for. I become envious of some on this board that have done better than my sister was able to. Having said that, I am happy for those who are doing well, but I think it is just human nature to wish that my sister could have done as well. I don't know if I am making sense, but at least for now, I have to agree with you that the remark was insensitive.

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{{{blueeye}}} Don't have too much more to offer as everyone here gave your great answers but I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry about the loss of your mother, who you obviously loved very much and who loved you back. And may memories of your mother keep you and warm you during this very difficult period.

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It is hard for people who have never experienced a loss of someone close to them or gone through losing a loved one to cancer to understand sometimes. She may not even realize she is hurting your feelings. I would just come right out and tell her next time that you really can't handle/don't want to talk about lung cancer, etc. It sounds like she is just pulling this out of a hat, like you said, she doesn't know anything about this person's cancer. Like someone else said, she may be doing it to try and get closer to you not realizing how much it hurts you.

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