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Wedding Rings


teriw

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I've been thinking lately about how/when/if/why I would no longer wear my wedding ring.

I wonder if those who have lost their spouse and decided to remove their rings, or those who have decided to indefinitely continue wearing their rings might share their thoughts?

It's a terribly personal subject, I know. Like everything, it always helps to hear the thoughts of others. But I respectfully understand if it's too intimate to share.

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Hi Teri,

I have actually been thinking about that very thing latey. My Dad still wears his. I can't imagine him taking it off. I have never asked him about it. It would seem so final I think. Of course, I would support him no matter what. I am sure it would be a very hard thing to let go of.

Jill

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Teri,

I took my ring off for our Easter drama (had to be in character) last year (near the 1 year mark) and decided to not put it back on. The time just seemed right. I now wear on that finger the anniversary ring that I bought for what would have been our 25th wedding anniversary.

I don't think there is any right or wrong on this issue. Like you said, it is a private, individual thing. If I hadn't been in that drama, I might still have it on...who knows.

You are amazing! Keep asking questions and processing everything...it does help. Take care.

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Teri,

I've been thinking about this lately , myself. It has been nearly two years since Mike passed, but I still wear mine. I'm just not ready to take them off . I don't know if I ever will be. I don't think there is a right or wrong thing to do. Wearing my rings gives me comfort in some way. Thanks for asking this question. I'm interested in what others have to say.

Hugs,

Sue

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Teri,

They'll be prying my rings off my cold dead hand. Period. (I wish my kids a lot of luck getting my set off -- they're almost fused on. :wink: ) Would never cross my mind to take them off. I wear Tony's ring on a chain around my neck and put it there before we left the hospital the night he died. My kids even bought me a stronger chain so I couldn't possibly break it and lose his ring.

To each his own, whatever is comfy.

Debi

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Teri,

I'm so glad you asked this question. I've wondered what the rest of you think

about this, too.

Debi,

"They'll be prying my rings off my cold dead hand. Period."

that was my exact thought when I read this, I plan to keep mine on forever, my daughter had asked me if I would still wear my rings right after Rod died and I said yes. It just wouldn't feel right any other way.

Barb

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It's so interesting for me to read the responses so far. I hope to read more.

Between my grief group and other people I know who have lost spouses, I have seen different things: people who leave their rings on, people who have a new ring on their "wedding" finger or a different one, people who wear their husband's ring on their finger or a chain, people who have bare fingers.

I'm also very aware that the decision doesn't hold any relation to the quality of love that was and will always be. It's to do with dealing with the present, and how we each do that differently.

I have personally had different thoughts. At first I thought I'd never take off my rings. To look down at my hand and not see them seems like going against nature. Lately, however, I've thought I need to -- when I'm ready. Not to announce anything to the world, but to fully be living in today (which I'm not even close to doing yet, but strive to do one day). I've also thought much about having another ring made to honor "us" in the past and the present.

No solid decisions yet, just thinking about it all and wondering how life moves forward...one step at a time, right?

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I wore My ring for a year and had Debs on a chain with her fave pendant for a year. Then the time just felt right so....

Suddenly I felt "Naked" with out jewelry so I bought a watch to wear for "Both" of us. Now i wear both rings and her Pendant on special days or really sad days.

Just because I don't wear mine does not mean I am "looking" right now. As my chat friends would say, "I still have my cow!" :wink: (think date dowry here ok!!!)

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One time when we were being silly, Brian gave me his class ring.

He told me that he wished he met me sooner, but understood that I was who I was because I had been well loved before we met.

It was one of those spur of the moment lovely thoughts and actions that I cherish.

I wear his class ring on my wedding finger/with angora wrapped around it like in school days of yore.

I love telling the story when people ask and my grandkids think it is so cool knowing some ancient history.

I have my wedding rings from both Tom and Brian on a lovely chain hanging in my jewlery box right now.

I may have the diamonds reset for granddaughters or for Brian's girls.

It is just so hard and so sad.

I probably will stop wearing the class ring soon and will wear my sales achievment ring from my company. It is lovely and has diamonds for each year I 'beat the boys' That will suffice, I guess. It turns out that that is who and how I am right now.

Hugs

P

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Not to announce anything to the world, but to fully be living in today

I think this is so true. I can't know what this journey is like, but I've watched it from the sidelines with my mom and many other people here and in my real life.

It really depends on what gets you thru the day and if you are ready to take a step forward, or backwards, or standstill, whatever the case may be in your own situation. Some people don't see the ring as a symbol of what "was", but rather as a symbol of the person they lost- so they can continue to wear the ring in some fashion or another and still be fully living in today and in their future.

It's so personal and everyone's reasons are so different.

You can have joy and laughter and a life again whether you wear those rings or not.

My mom always put her rings on when she left the house and for her, she would always be married. There wasn't a sliver of a chance that she would find love with someone else- she couldn't even fathom that, and in her late sixities -70yrs of age, it wasn't something she could see happening. He was her husband and she would be married to him until it was her time to be with him again. And she wasn't around long enough for us to see if that was true or if she would have thought differently had more time passed after my dad died.

I also think age make a big difference....

Whatever you do, whenever you do it, will be right for you.

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"KatieB" He was her husband and she would be married to him until it was her time to be with him again. ---------- I also think age make a big difference....

That rings true for me! :lol:

Although we spoke very little about his leaving me behind, that was one area we did talk about. I assured him that HE was IT for me. I'm 50 and I was with Tony since I was 19. So, it's a case of been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and the kids.)

Sometimes I perceive that people who have been through multiple marriages feel differently -- at least that's the sense I get from others I've spoken to. I'm a one trick pony.

I'd have no interest in someone else and would feel bare-naked without my rings. That doesn't mean I'm not going to live my life, I simply don't need a man in it to do so. (I know, this wasn't the topic, but it blurs into these areas.) Financially and benefit-wise I'd be a fool to think in that direction, even if I were so disposed ----- and my Mama didn't raise no fools! :wink: (Aside from that, my sons quickly announced that they'd beat the crap out of of anyone who came near me! LOL)

Again, to each his own.

Debi

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Just to clarify, I did not take my rings off because I am "looking." It just felt like something I needed to do to move forward. On some occasions, I still wear his ring on a chain with my cross around my neck. This is just all so hard. Maybe I shouldn't have taken them off at all....

I miss Charlie soooooo much. It puts a huge lump in my throat just writing this not to mention the tears.

((((Ry)))))

((((Sue))))

(((Debi)))

(((Teri)))

(((Pat)))

(((Randy)))

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Debi,

You seem to look at this the way I do. I am 59, met Mike when I was 19, married him at 21 and were married nearly 36 years. He was my other half and definitely my best half. I still feel married. It's hard to explain, but I kind of like your

I'm a one trick pony.
I think that pretty much describes me as well. Glad to know that I'm not by myself in my thinking.

Sue

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Tina,

I knew that -- I think I knew it because it has absolutely nothing to do with "looking" for me either, or for people I know who've removed their rings. It actually has nothing to do with anyone else, but me!

Many hugs all around -- I know none of us ever thought there would be a reason to even have the conversation...

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(((Tina))))

We know that you little munchkin you! :wink:

(((Sue))) --

Same goes for me. Glad to know I'm not in outer space with my thinking either. It's just who I am. This "til death do us part" section of my vows doesn't cut it for me. (I AM a control freak however! LOL :roll: )

Debi

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Teri,

My husband has been gone since Aug. 2000, and I still wear my rings around my neck on a chain. I would wear them on my fingers but they are now too small for me. I am like Debi in that they would have to pry them from my cold dead hand (or in my case - neck). But I agree that it is a personal choice and you should do whatever feels right for you. I don't believe that keeping your rings on means that you are not living in the present either. It just means that you (still) love your departed spouse and you want to keep wearing your rings - period.

Debi,

My husband died suddenly so we didn't talk about his leaving me behind either, but we did have many conversations about whether either of us would marry if the other passed away. I told my husband that I might date, but definitely would not marry again. I like you have no interest in another partner at this time. (I would like a handy man though to do things around the house for me - in exchange I might be persuaded to do some laundry or cooking for him. :wink::lol: )

I don't think it's age though as Katie B suggested, it's just a matter of personal choice. I met my husband when I was 27, we were married 5 months after we met and for 14 years when he passed. I still had young children to raise, but I was financially secure. I think that made the difference for me. Anyway I have always been independent and like your kids, mine would revolt if I brought another man into the house. Now if I really felt that strongly about dating, they would have to get over it, but I have enough on my plate without trying to start a relationship (that I really don't want or need) at this point. Again I think it's an individual decision whether to wear the rings or start dating. Everyone must make their own way.

God Bless,

Sharon

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I just wanted to thank everyone for being so open and honest on this topic. I have to say after reading all of the responses, I feel a new sense of "permission" so to speak about leaving my rings on for as long as I want, and not forcing the issue either way.

About other relationships. Bill insisted on talking about that from early on. He grieved over the potential loss of our future, and the idea of us not being together for years to come. He also grieved over the idea of me being on my own, and after some time living with the possibilities, always made a point of giving me permission and encouragement to have someone else in my life in time. I hated when he talked about that, but he needed to. I told him the truth -- he was my soul mate, my most favorite person in the world, entirely irreplaceable. But I never made any promises about what my future would hold, because at 44 (43 at that time) I admit I don't know. I only know that Bill's place in my life and my love for him is ever enduring, and that the void he left can never be filled -- and I have to learn to co-exist with it. And I bloody well hate it. But he would say to me with that cheeky grin of his, "it is what it is."

This is one of those topics that you just can't talk about with the people close to you unless they've been there...thanks for being here.

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I still wear the ring she gave to me, and I also wear the ring I gave to her on my right hand. I can't imagine NOT wearing the ring she gave me. For our wedding I gave her a silver heart necklace and I wear it now too everyday. And I am considering moving the ring I gave her and adding it to the heart necklace. And sometimes I think about taking both our rings and having them made into one ring. But our girls want the rings for when they get married. I better be ready to take them off by then!!

Karen wanted to talk about whether or not I would find love after her. It was so important for her to say that she wanted me to be open to love again. Of course, I didn't want to hear any of it and just nodded my head and said "baby, you're IT for me". But even if - and it is a HUGE if - Karen and the rings will always be with me and anyone who wants a place here must be prepared to know that Karen will always be part of the relationship.

Thanks for the topic, Teri.

Anne

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Here is a question I have been wondering about. When my mom passed away we never really discussed what we would do with mom's wedding band and the mother's ring we gave her just a couple of months before she died. I assumed we would just keep them with mom and she would be buried with them. At mom's wake my grandmother asked me if I was going to keep her wedding band. I felt that it should be kept with her and assumed everyone felt the same. No one had said anything about wanting to keep them. However, later that night my brother said he assumed that we would keep them. So we opened up the conversation. Keep in mind we had a ton of people at our house and it got a bit uncomfortable. We weren't arguing about it. I just think that none of us wanted to talk about it. It was too hard. We asked Dad what he wanted to do and after a minute he said that he would like to see mom keep the rings. So in the end she was buried with them. I still feel so bad that this wasn't discussed in more detail. Everything was just happening so fast and there were always so many people around. I feel like my brother maybe really wanted those rings and didn't get a chance to speak up. (He is kind of the strong silent type.) I see so many of you say that you wear the rings on a chain etc. I hope Dad doesn't regret not keeping them. I still think about this from time to time and get sad. Obviously there is nothing I can do about it now. Did anyone else not keep the ring? Sorry to ramble on. This just tugs at my heartstrings thinking about it.

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Wondermom,

I have my mother's, great-aunt's, and grandmother's wedding ring sets plus some of my great-grandmother's rings.

Although our relatives wore their jewelry at the wakes, they were never buried with them for sentimental and theft reasons. My set will be added and all of this will be handed down to my daughter when I go.

I had all three of my husband's rings removed at the end of the wake, kept the wedding band, and presented my two sons with his diamond rings, as Tony had requested. My oldest son already had his ring resized and wears it on special occasions.

I'm so sorry that things were so overwhelming for you all. It is a blur on those days of the wake/funeral, so it's easy for things to be lost in the shuffle. Your Dad wanted to keep the rings with her, so his wishes were fulfilled.

Hugs,

Welthy

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Wondermom,

I agree with Debi that if that was your dad's wish, then it was the right thing to do. There is a comfort in that decision as well. You may be right about your brother, but it sounds as though he was most concerned with respecting your dad's needs at the time.

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Teri,

I read your post with real interest and liked reading the responses as well.

My Brother In Law was here visiting recently. It was the first time I've seen him since Maura's funeral. He looks absolutely wonderful, but I see a continued sadness surrounding him. I think I'm one of the few people he feels comfortable talking about Maura.

I'm not normally a very observant person. However, I noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding band. Although I wanted to ask, it didn't seem right. So I don't know when he decided to remove his ring. Do you think it inappropriate to casually mention this to my nephew? We're SO close, but maybe it's just none of my business.

I can honestly say that I would be happy for my BIL if he were to meet someone as a friend, wife, or just a companion. I just feel weird saying that to him in case it's just too soon for him. (It's been 15 months since Maura died).

Any advice anyone could give, I'd love to hear it. Thanks, Teri, for bringing up the subject. Ellie

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