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This up and down is sickening


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I've worked 2 1/2 weeks full time now. In fact, I can't believe I went back to work part-time, 2 days after his funeral. I have had quite a few good days, keeping my mind busy, then something I am learning gets me very frustrated and I just want to crawl in a hole. I get so depressed and think "I hate my life, I wish I just wouldn't wake up one day". Am I the only one? I try to hide how I feel so my co-workers don't know how awful I feel, that is so exhausting.

I hate this.


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I understand and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Forgive me if I've said this before, but have you looked into grief groups in your area? It does help, if only to allow you to be in a space for a short time where what you're going through is "normal."

Things will go up and down, and all over the place. You'll have strong days, and then days that just hit you like a brick. Sometimes phases will last hours, sometimes days, sometimes weeks. It's very unpredictable. I can't say it makes it easier, but just knowing that and not expecting things to be the same from one day to the next has helped me weather some of the worst days.

Of course that doesn't protect you from the expectations of those around you who have no clue what you're going through. I still have no answer for that one. I still get frustrated with it.

I went back to work part-time relatively quickly too. In the end, I decided it was too much and that I needed a break. Had it been a different situation, it might have been helpful. But I relate to what you said about learning something new. I couldn't learn anything new or even read more than a paragraph on a page without losing focus for probably 4 or 5 months. Slowly, I noticed it changing. Another "normal" thing.

It doesn't surprise me that you're hitting an especially tough point, being around the 3 month mark. Hang in there.


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"Barbb"]"I hate my life, I wish I just wouldn't wake up one day". Barb

Wow, that pretty much sums up my life, and Col's still with us battling away.

I totally relate to your feelings. You will only be able to hide it from friends and coworkers, eventually it comes out whether you want it to or not. "You shouldn't feel like that". Oh Ok, good then I'll just stop. I feel that all the time. I'm actually tempted to smack people who say stuff like that.

My neighbor's like that, perfect idea of a perfect world, and everything should be done this way. Well you just gotta be like this or do this.

Some days I'm convinced that even if this stupid damn disease doesn't take your body, it will still take your spirit and that of those closest to you.

But that's just how I feel today. Tomorrow may be better, maybe worse.

Sorry to ramble. Just wanted to let you know that while I can't comprehend your loss, I totally understand your feelings.

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"Barbb" "I hate my life, I wish I just wouldn't wake up one day".

That sums it up for me every day Barb, every day. (My kids would throttle me if they knew that!)

I've starting dreaming about Tony and I'd rather sleep and live in my dreams. Probably not good, but I'm dawggone tired after fighting this beast for 2 1/2 years and now being alone. I'm on empty. Take the little "up" moments when they come and savor them. I'm hoping for the day, for all of us, when the up moments outnumber the down. (That will be happening when??? :roll: )

I also try really, really hard to look outside of myself and remember that so many others have it far worse than I do. Sometimes that works, other times, not so much.

Hugs of understanding,


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I am still here fighting this awful disease, but I do understand the feelings you are having about all of this.

Most days I wake and wonder why I am still here. I feel as though my having cancer has just blown apart the lives of those who I love. It sounds crazy, but I sometimes think that if maybe I just don't wake up, everyone can go back to living their lives and not worrying about me. I also dream at night of the good times before all of this....just makes waking a little shocker all the time.

Thank goodness I have the best 3 year old anywhere to help me through....he keeps me going.

Hang in there Barb!!! I am so sorry for your loss, I will be praying that you are able to find some peace and have many more good days dealing with all that you have been through.

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I can really relate to your post. There are some days that I find it physically exhausting just to get out of my bed and hold my head up...other days I feel strong and more in control...and other days I find that I am just numb to everything.

I find that I have to just let go and let myself experience these feelings. I guess this is what people mean when they say you have to go through the grieving process, no way to go around it.

My thoughts are with you.


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{{{{{Treeby, Don, Teri, JB, Debi, Colleen, Michele, Leslie, Maryanne}}}}} you touched my heart and my soul and your kindness you express and the sorrows you are living brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for caring, sharing and lifting each other up. We are so blessed to have this place to come where SO MANY of us know exactly how another feels. If I had to do this walk alone....I just wouldn't make it.

Teri, I called the hospice we used and they have a grief group starting in April. I knew from your other posts that I need this but didn't have the energy to find one somewhere else. I will be the first one waiting by the door when it starts.

Thank you everyone. My prayers are with each of you.


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We lost our 13 year old dog last July. I still miss him every single day.

that said, I cannot imagine how people do this when losing PEOPLE they love.

Google this book:

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by a Dr. bloomfield.

And hugs to you


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The help of a gried group was not

offered to me, now I do not mind

missing on it as I am proud to have

walk that path alone and able to see

the sun again.

The good days will be made in part from

souvenirs of the old days,

souvenirs of precious

moments that are only yours,

to remember.

They may bring tears one day and a smile

the next.


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