Been a While...

[missyk]

It hit me the other day that Mom's been gone over 9 months. I was just driving down the road, singing a song along with the radio and burst into tears. I've not hurt like that before...just all of the sudden and so deeply. I still tend to hold her death at a distance. It just hurts too badly to let it near me yet. I put on a good show, though. Good enough I even fool myself sometimes.

I never would have thought that this far out it could still feel so close. It feels "wrong" to still hurt so badly...and I don't WANT to still hurt this bad. I just want to be ok with her being gone. But there really isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I've even started getting jealous of the little white-haired old ladies I see walking around. I never got to see my mom grow old. I only got to see her wither away in front of my eyes.

I'm just frustrated...angry...tired...sad. And I knew I could come here and know you all understand that.

~*~xoxo~*~

[Nick C]

I hear ya missy.

Sorry it hit you so hard.

But I am happy to hear from you!

[Connie B]

Missy, that's what we call greiving. It comes when you least expect it at times.

I thought I always put on a good show to, but I was only putting that show on for me! Everyone else saw through it. Bummer, because I put a lot of work into doing that!

9 months is not so far out. It's still very early in the greiving stages.

Those brick walls tend to hit us when ever they have the need. We think we're strolling along free and clear and then BAM, BRICK WALL TIME!!!!! After all these years, I still run into those brick walls now and then.

I use to remember my mom withering away too, but after a while all those pictures in our minds tend to change and you start to remember and look at them the way they were when they were healthy. The sickness days get softer for us and the good memories start to take over. At least that's how it worked for me.

When I think of my family, my mom was (white haired) and 66, my dad was (salt & pepper hair) and 56, my sister was (dark haired with a little white hair) and 43 when they left me for a better place. I don't know that I'm jealous of little white haired ladies, but I do know I still miss my family. It's not as painful as it was after they left me, but I still miss them and I think we always will. To this day, when I get sick I STILL want my mom!!!

Good to see you. Yep, we're here all the time as you well know!!! ((((MISSY)))))

[Littlegirl]

So sorry Missy! It IS wrong that she is gone.

It is nice to hear from you though. How is little Xavier doing?

Karen

[blueeye]

Oh Missy I am sorry. I completely understand. I too watch the little white headed ladies. And I am envious. I stare and wonder if that's what Mom would have looked like if she had made it.

[Maryanne]

Hi Honey,

Miss your beautiful face. Sorry for the unexpected grieving part. I know the feeling.

My mom was old and completely grey (I was soooo lucky) but when i see those little old ladies I miss her so much.

Xavier is so adoable... I know he rocks your world. Your immediate family is growing by leaps and bounds!!

take care, I hope you are feeling better today.

Maryanne

[twisterchica]

Missy,

I know I just started posting so I'm not sure what I can say, but I, too, have started getting upset when I see little old ladies. At the time, I feel like I'm being irrational, but I have to remind myself that I'm allowed irrational moments now and then. It's also pretty comforting to know that others feel the same way.

[Ry]

Missy-

It is so good to see you on here. I have been reading a book on loss and it said that for some reason people have a hard time at the 9 month point-- so what you're going through is normal. Don't be a stranger-- check in and let us know how things are going more often.

Rochelle

[shineladysue]

(((Missy))),

Grief has a way of blindsiding us. Sorry it is so hard right now. Hope you will come more often and hope that you will be having a better day.

Hugs,

Sue

[Sheri]

Hey Missy,

That baby boy of yours is absolutely adorable!

I'm seven months out and I was fortunate that Dad never withered and he never presented as physically sick. He was weak but probably weighed over 200 lbs when he died.

I too, envy the elderly. Their family is so fortunate to have them. My Dad as your Mom, died too young. We have to move on, somehow and someway. I too am struggling. Take care and give that little guy a kiss from me:).

[J.C.]

Missy,

Even after thirty years since

my Mom died, I have those days

that tears wakes me up and stay

for the day.

Always get the feeling that I lost my youth identity

when mo mother died and my adult identity when

my husband died.

Missy, you are doing well after nine months,

you will always miss your Mom, but all that

is normal, you loved her and now she is gone.

You will have better days when you will miss

her as much but those days will be easier on you.

Hugs

Jackie

[fillise]

Missy--it is good to hear from you. I can't offer much except to send this to you. . .

((((Missy))))

You know we love you here and will be here any time you need us.

Susan

[sharyn]

Missy, So good to see your avtar... its been way too long girlfriend!!

Don't be hard on yourself, 9 months is a mere blip on the radar screen... it has been a little over 3 years for me and I still can't get back to "normal"... don't be hard on yourself.

[Patkid]

Hello and hugs, sweetheart.

P

[Kasey]

Thanks for stopping in........LOVE that Xavier pic! Just too darn cute!! It's very hard to believe 9 months have passed. Sosorry.

Kasey

[kamataca]

I came here today because I was feeling the same way...at least I'm glad I stumbled on to a friend and the wonderful picture of her boy...always makes me smile.

It does just smack you down, and shake you up, doesn't it? The people in my life don't get it---they assume that I am "over it" and "better", so I just cry alone. I miss my Mom. I miss having parents. I miss having someone there each day who would listen to me grinch about the day, and then offer to "go up there and take care of" the people who were giving me grief.

I get it, Missy...I really do! We can't both be crazy, so I think we are just in good company.

Kelly

[MomsGirl]

((((Missy)))))

It's good to hear from you again, your son is precious...

Nine months is so brutal in this process, please be kind to yourself. I found that when I was right where you are it hurt SO bad, it really starts to hit you like a hammer. Don't rush the feeling better part...you just can't predict day to day how it's going to feel. And the visions of your mom's condition...with time I think the edge will come off of those...I know they did with me.

And yes, for a whole year I could not bring myself to look at little old ladies, or older moms with their daughters and grandchildren. I would walk through the mall openly crying and almost boiling over with envy and resentment. Sometimes I would just have to leave.

Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you tonight, I know how you feel, and I'm glad you came back to check in...hang in there and sending warm thoughts tonight...