Memories and meltdowns

[KatieB]

We all have them, memories and meltdowns.

Sometimes your memories trigger meltdowns, sometimes everyday stress/tasks/anxiety lead to memories that lead to a meltdown. It's a circle sometimes isn't it? I catch myself in a circle sometimes and it feels like I'm swimming against the currents trying to keep my head above water.

There are definitely times when I feel really ok. But not a lot of those times. For the most part, I'm on auto-pilot with a smile on my face and an agreeable nature. I play the part really well.

For me, my siblings and issues surrounding them and my parents estate have really disabled my grieving process, warped it in weird ways, brought back to the surface the feelings when I lost my dad and the anger and shock of so suddenly losing my mom- where things come in waves and circles and while I "appear" to be making great progress, I am just running as hard as I can on a treadmill that really doesn't lead me anywhere emotionally.

I think to myself- if I do everything right and every one around me is happy, then that's the best I can do. But is it really? Can I do more?

I'm not depressed.

But I'm still sad though. And boy am I ever lonely. The lonelieness is so loud it's deafening. It's a kind of lonely that my husband and children can not "fill". They make my life worthwhile, but it's not something they can fix.

I miss my parents. I miss my dad's goofy laugh and how he called me "babe". He was the first man I ever loved. He made me safe and feel like the best person in the world. With him, I was "his girl"

And I miss my mom's wit and wise-cracking humor. I miss being able to talk to her the way I did a dozen times a day. I miss running around with her and having her as my best friend. I miss sharing my life and family and kids with them. I miss having someone who worries about me. I miss having them take care of me, even as an adult in the smallest of ways. I miss being someone's daughter.

I hate being "THE" mom. Was that a horrid thing to just say? I LOVE being a mom to my kids...but I'm "it". The end of the line. The "grownup" that takes care of everyone else including myself.

It just is what it is and I am growing stronger, but that doesn't mean I have to like it or like being without them.

I've made a new friend (a real person who lives near me, ) and there is this thing called a telephone that I have used more and more lately.

I even checked out the grief group that Teri posted about and found one in my own city. I start in two weeks. Will it help? Will I go more than once? Who knows, but just trying something like that is a huge step for me.

I have become receptive to being in the land of the living instead of just being on auto-pilot. I am working on new projects and events for LUNGevity and Lance Armstrong. I'm learning how to live this life without my parents and my birthfamily.

I'm changing. I'm becoming stronger.

But I still have my memories and meltdowns.

I remember where I came from and what I've lost.

Think if we really want to make our futures count for something, we need to always remember the past- and that includes all the hurt.

Not really sure where I was going with this post except that it was time for me to let some of it out and this is the place where those who are reading this really understand.

There is a quote on a wall in my office and I stare at it offen.

"We do not remember days, we remember moments"

(((Hugs everyone.)))

May your tomorrows be brighter than your todays and may you have many good moments.

[RandyW]

KIatie I think you have everything going ok. You have been through a lot in your life time! I can't wait to meet you in Asheville and Give you a Real HUG not just a Cyber Hug..

Remember Cherish Yesterday, Enjoy today and Pray for tomorrow. And my other mantra is this everything can be gone but we still have the memories to remember.

Lots Of Prayers For you and The Family......

[Don M]

I hope you continue to get stronger Katie. Somehow I think we are supposed to integrate the good and the bad the sorrow and joy and make it all whole. Maybe the circle will turn into a spiral and raise you up.

Don M

[jaminkw]

Katie: I love Don's comment about the spiral. I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I haven't had birth parents since my twenties. My mother died a few months after my birth and I was not close to my Dad. What I can relate to is the meltdown concept--I just had one in Orlando. I cried and raged and my husband had to warn me about my dangerously high blood pressure to begin to bring me around to the point where I could begin to talk myself back to my usual optomistic nature.

I can also relate to the loneliness. I'm so glad to hear the steps you are taking but not surprised. I recently told my husband that I've heard of people kicking cancer who made important changes in their life. I have looked at my life and have no idea what to change. I can't really find anything wrong except I am terribly lonely but that I think I have always been lonely. After I said that, I rethought it. The times in my life when I have been the least lonely is when I've had girlfriends. It's been hard here in Key West to make and maintain friends. It's very transient and it was particularly difficult while I was a counselor in private practice. My work was so isolating. But like you, I'm making plans to try to change that. I'm going to join the Garden Club locally to dig in the dirt with women (and men) with whom I have that love in common. I'm also going to contact the local Cancer Group and give it a try. I'm also trying to keep in closer contact with my girlfriends in NJ who have all reconnected in the past five years or so. They have been a tremendous long distance support through this ordeal.

Katie, I don't know you well but I have been the beneficiary of your encouraging posts. I perceive you to have an optomistic nature and positive people always bounce back. You sound like you're on your way back up.

Judy in Key West

[Suzie Q]

I know, Katie!

I do not want to be the "matriarch" of the family. It's a job i did not sign up for, but nonetheless, it's mine. So, I'll make the best of it.

My sibling situation is very good and I have no complaints about that. But I am sure my mom didn't want the position any more than I do! We just keep plugging along, I guess.

You really nailed it by saying how you miss being someone's daughter. Me too.

Hugs and sunshine to you,

Karen

[sharyn]

Sigh.... I SO understand Katie...

[Barbb]

Katie,

I love your office quote

"We do not remember days, we remember moments"

That is so true.

Also, when I feel especially sad I think about the words you have written,

"It is what it is". That some how helps. We can't change the things that have happened but we can keep working at living.

Prayers to all of you.

Barb

[blueeye]

Hugs to you Katie...and peace to all of us.

[J.C.]

Katie,

http://giftofireland.wordpress.com/2008 ... -one-dies/

I had to understand that I was looking

for a new identity after Mike died,

I had lost my mother and all those

years of ''Me'' were gone with her,

but Mike knew about those years as he

was a confident to my mother and he knew

about all my life since I was born, she

poured her heart out to him,

so I was still mostly myself a daughter

and a wife, living in the same house

with them.

when Mike died........that identity

was gone forever, I had to find a ''Me''

that would replace what I had been for

all those years.

I have nobody to say ''You remember

when..........'' only strangers are

there and nobody to understand that

my life is not what they see but it is

made by all those years I lived with

two loved ones, now gone.......

You are taking the right steps to find

your new self.

Hugs

Jackie

[blueeye]

Jackie,

That link is great! Thanks!

[Ann]

((((((((((((Katie))))))))))))

[teriw]

((((Katie))))

You are such an amazing person -- I'm so happy to "know" you. I only wish we could have met for other reasons. You have taken a tragedy in your life and turned it into an invaluable resource for other people who are in great need. My goodness, how many times have we all given thanks for this board? Too many to count.

Just from what you've shared, you've endured so much over and above the heartbreaking loss of both your parents. I think you're doing great. And I think you opening up like you have is a giant step in the right direction.

Don is so right about integrating the sorrow with the joy. I don't think you can be a truly caring person without having experienced sorrow. What Jackie said about creating a new identity -- that's the hard part. Your wonderful parents will always live on through you and must be so proud of you.

Keep taking those steps -- you're doing great. You give me inspiration. Taking a passion and getting out there and "doing" it. Seeing what you need to change and taking steps to do it. You're doing it all despite the pain and discomfort, and that takes determination and strength. You're well on your way...

Hugs,

[kamataca]

I get it, too. I wish I could explain to my DH why it was 'different' to have Mom listen to me and tell me everything would be all right, ready to slay all my dragons for me, than it is when he or others say the same things. I wish I could explain it to myself.

I'm glad we all have each other. That's a gift you've given us all, Katie. Love to you today.

Kelly

[MomsGirl]

Katie,

Regarding your office quote...the week after my mom died, I spotted that quote on a beautiful plaque and gave it to my sister...every time I see it hanging on her wall I think of Mom. Thank you for sharing it.

You brought tears to my eyes when you talked about running around with your mom, talking to her several times a day, missing her sense of humor. Man, can I relate...

You're right, we have no choice in this, and it just stinks. Whenever I get really down, I think of my mom and her losses - she lost her dad when she was 21 and he was 46 - she was six months pregnant with her second child, 400 miles away from home, 100% a daddy's girl. It was devastating. Then when she lost her mom many, many years later, I remember her telling me she was an orphan now. But like you, she continued to forage ahead, giving of herself to others, loving her family, touching everyone around her. You really remind me of her, your kind heart and determination. I am continually amazed at how proactive, caring and supportive you are with regards to others after what you have been through.

Your parents did a wonderful job raising you, and I know they are proud of you. Yet I know you want them HERE to be proud of you, and to lean on, and it is so terribly painful that they aren't. I am sending you a big hug tonight and wishes for a brighter tomorrow...