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It will be 3 months tomorrow since I lost my dad. I cant seem to get back to where I was before this whole cancer thing started. I dont know why my heart wont mend. I cant seem to get out of the fog I am in. Its not depression, because I can still laugh. I just cant believe he is really gone. He is on my mind always. It doesnt matter what happens it always relates back to my dad. Every white car I see, every single older couple, every man over 65, the reminders that he is not here are unbearable. I was hesitate about writing how I feel, but I'm desperate. I need to find peace and dont know how. I dont talk about it to others because I dont think they are vey comfortable with it, unless of course they have been there. I am reading The Purpose Driven Life(Don recommended to the board) and am hoping I will have a better understanding. Thanks for listening.

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Oh Cathy, I am feeling exactly what you are. Today is exactly two months since I lost my Dad. It hurts so much. The other night I had this dream of his last hospital stay. From beginning to the very last breath. I think the dream lasted all night. Last night I cried in Walmart because although I go there about once a week, just last night I realized that I won't be taking my Dad Christmas shopping to help him pick out gifts for my Mom.

You are not alone. It gives me strength to read posts from those that are feeling the way I do so I am thankful that you shared your thoughts. I know our Dads would not want us to be sad or greiving for them as we do but we are only human and we loved our Dads so much. Our greiving will take as long as it takes. And as I type that, I have to brush the tears from under my eyes. I am with you as we are missing our Dads.


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Cathy & Kris,

Hopefully, you will always have triggers to remind you of your fathers so that he CAN "be there" in your lives. We lost my Grampa this year (Mom's dad) and a Gramma (Dad's mom). Grieving for my grandmother began years ago as she was cursed with Alzheimer's and had become someone besides my beloved Gramma - it wasn't like she died in February, it was as if she had died years ago, when she no longer recognized any of the family. My Grampa was sharp as a tack (and my favoritest person in the WHOLE world) and the loss is far more acute.

We (the family) are all dealing with the losses from different perspectives, but there are triggers for everyone - some to good memories, some to bad. I hope that all your triggers bring on happy memories and you can enjoy your fathers in your lives even after they have crossed over. Right now, Old Spice brings the bittersweet to me...gotta stay out of Big Boy at breakfast time when the seniors are out for breakfast - it's a popular scent! :wink:

I wish you peace,


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I can relate to every word you wrote. Moms 3 month anniversary was this past sunday. They just put her headstone on this week. It was awful to see her name carved in stone. It took me right back to the minute she died. I cried in the cemetary just standing over the newly packed dirt. Its awful to know that my mom is laying under all that dirt.

I take it one day at a time. I cry when I have to cry and laugh when I can. I have found strength I did not know I had and I am hoping its because my mom gave it to me when she went to heaven and didn't need it anymore.

This morning I overslept and I SWEAR TO GOD that I fealt someone shove me to get me to wake up and not be late for work. I need to and have to believe that its my mom standing over me. She always used to come in and shake my bead when I overslept. so I took comfort in that feeling.

I dred the holidays but I am going to put up every single tacky and nice decoration I can find becuase thats what my mom did and If its the only way I can feel any holiday spirit than thats what I have to do. I know its going to suck without mom but someday I will see her again and she is gonna say "Yes it was me shoving you that morning"

kathy if you want to call me and we can share parent stories and pain then let me know if you want my number.

All i can say is talking to your dad will keep him close to you if you believe it will. I talk outloud to my mom all day long and even while I am driving cause her picture is on my dashboard and when I am stuck in traffic I ask her to make people move or if I get cut off I curse then apologize to her for cursing. It helps me anyway.

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cathy... my mom died 17 years ago. I was pregnant with my daughter at the time. I felt and still feel all the things you've described 17 years later. I grieved for her when each of my 3 kids were born because she wasn't there to share the joy with me. Again when I went through my divorce and again when I was dx with cancer. It never goes away. I think of her every day and I still find myself wanting to call her and talk things over with her. It hurts, I think it will always hurt. BUT-it does get easier. It's only been 3 months-don't rush things. Their is no set time "to get over it" the time will come when you will remember him and smile and be comforted in knowing that his suffering is over. I will always miss my mom no matter how many years go by. It will get easier though, I promise.

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Kathy, as Connie says, it has only been 5 months -- give yourself time. You will eventually feel better but you will never not miss your dad. I lost both my parents when I was in my early twenties, and each time I have accomplished something, or my kids have accomplished something, I have those pangs of "I wish they were here now". So you don't get over it, you just become used to the life without him. You best gift to your dad is to be the best Kathy you can be, and be a living memorial to him. I know you can do that. You're already a great human being. God's grace. Don

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Although I can't yet imagine what you're going through, I feel your pain. My dad has been recently diagnosed w/SCLC and there are already things that trigger the tears. Hearing others' stories has helped me get through some tough days. My dad has chemo M,T & W of Thanksgiving week - terrible timing so I brought him his favorite pumpkin pie this past weekend. Thought about the possibility that he might not be here next Thanksgiving and it hurts. My dad's feeling great at present, but am dreading the time when he doesn't. We take each day at a time and try to cherish moments and build more memories with each extra day. My whole family is very open and supportive. We vent and optimize! Hopefully you had time to build precious memories with your dad after you knew he was ill. May you find comfort in these memories and always remember that he is with you in heart and spirit -- cancer can't take that away! Hang in there and please share your feelings -- it helps others cope as well!

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I know it is hard to make it through the first few months. The first holiday, first Fathers Day, first birthday without them really sucks! I lost my Mom to cancer 11 years ago last month and my Dad 10 years and 6 months ago so I know the feeling you are having. As has been said, there are so many times when I want to pick up the phone and call Mom or Dad and tell them what is going on in my life. When my Grandsons were born, when I divorced, when I was DX with cancer.............. then it dawned on me.........They KNOW what is going on in my life. I am sure they are watching over me and waiting for the time we are together again.

Give your self time to go through the greiving process, it is different for everyone but one day you will wake up and it will take an hour or two before you think about your Dad and then it will be a day or two and while you will always miss him it won't always feel like it was yesterday. God Bless you and hang in there sweetie.

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Dear Cathy,

Please know I am thinking of you. The grief process can take so long and it has only been three months. I think it is so normal to look at everything and be reminded of our loved ones. Maybe it is their way of telling us they are always with us in spirit. I send you big hugs. Take care of yourself.

All my best,


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This is all normal. It's only been three months, and the truth is grief takes as long as it takes. You can't set a time table for something like this. All I can say is that the acute sense of loss does ease over time, but how much time isn't something anyone with any sensitivity can quantify for you. It takes as long as it takes. And we're heading into the Holiday Season, and that's just plain rough for those of us who have lost a loved one. All the firsts are difficult. Just hope you know that you are cared for by many.

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Thanks friends for helping me get through this. Its just the past couple weeks havent been so good. We took my mom to her Fla. home a couple weeks ago. I am not sure if that has anything to do with it. I know when she was here in Michigan.I had to be strong for her. I know it will take time. I really didnt want to post about it but for some reason I had a really bad day yesterday, it did feel good to get it out though. I have brothers and sisters and we are pretty close but we never talk about how we feel, come to think of it we dont talk about our precious father either. I wonder why? Any way thank you for being there for me. It means so much to be able talk and not be judged.

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My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a parent recently or even longer. I want to send all of you, warm and gentle hugs in remembrence of your loved ones. May God heal your hearts and pain and make it easier for you as the days go by. Praying for all of you and your families... I too have lost both parents.

God Bless


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  • 2 weeks later...


Everyone is telling you like it is. I have had many losses in my life. With each one it does not get easier but harder. Memories are precious to me even the bad ones. In 1974 I lost my youngest brother at the age of 37. The day after Christmas 1974 Johnny's sister(my best friend was found beaten to death on a military base north of San Francisco. In October 1978 My oldest brother died at the age of 49 from a heartattack. In March 1985 another brother died of a heartattack at the age of 50. Just a few short months later on October 12th my mother the most gentle hard working person I have ever known died of lung cancer. Then on January 12,1994 my dad died less than two months before his 86th birthday. I lived far away from them and didn't see them often. In many ways I never really confronted my pain at their loss. Then last year when I went through a very painfull divorce and came back home to California I had to start facing all of the deaths in my life. I had to finally realize that they are no longer here but I know too they are always a part of my life. I think it was because of that along with the fact that Johnny and I had been apart for so many years and finally found eachother that makes my pain now so much more intense.

I have so many memories of my childhood both good and bad and I have learned to cherish them all. Johnny's death was so sudden and so unexpected that we had little time to make new memories so the ones that I do have are so very important to me. Somehow I feel like they are all I have now and even the bad memories of the last few days are welcome. I know in my heart that in time it will get better. I have been there so many times that I have learned that. Knowing does not stop the pain or the questions. It has always been talking about the people I love that has helped me cope but with Johnny's death I have so few people to share with. I can't expect my children to understand. They only know that I was with him not their dad. Kids even grown ones have selective memory.

Last year right after Johnny's death I joined an online berievement group. There was a poem there that says so much. Last night while feeling very down facing the aniversaries of those terrible last days I decided to take a chance and send that poem to my daughter.. I have not heard back from her. It explains our situation very well and probably what so many of us are facing from our family and friends. Maybe you too can use it as a gentle reminder. My best to you and all of you this holiday season. May our loved ones let us know they are near and our hearts learn once again how to feel more than pain. Lillian

The Elephant in the Room.

By: Terry Kettering

There's an elephant in the room.

It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we sqeeze by with, "How are you?" and, "I'm fine".....

And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather.

We talk about work.

We talk about everything else--except the elephant in the room.

There's an elephant in the room.

We all know it is there.

We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.

For, you see, it is a very big elephant.

It has hurt us all.

But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.

Oh, please say her name again.

Oh, please, let's talk about the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,

Perhaps we can talk about her life.

Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?

For if I cannot, then you are leaving me


In a room.........

With an elephant.

Posts: 35 | From: NYC | Registered: Fri December 27 2002

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