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My family won't listen!


dannnie

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Hi everybody, I've been looking for awhile. I haven't read anything about what to say to family if they will not listen to your wants if the worst should happen. I know to keep a positive outlook on this but I would feel better if they knew how to do the little things I do like were to go for parent teacher conferences, where the Ins. policys are and how to pay house bills online. Everytime I bring the subject up they say let's don't talk about it because it's not going to happen. By the grace of God I hope it doesn't but I want them to be prepared. How do I get them to talk???

Dannie

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If you can't get them to talk, make a manual with written instructions and pictures/maps. After all, if they are not doing the bill paying, going over it once with them not make them the pro you are. They may not WANT to know, but some day, they may NEED to know. With written directions, there's no forgetting a step.

Darn family folks...never know what's good for 'em! :wink:

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Wow Dannie, been there, done that! Family members NEVER want to hear the "What if's" (I didn't want to hear it from my family members when they were going through this journey either, but I never stopped them from sharing there feelings & thougths) Do I understand that? YES! But I also understand that WE need to talk things out and we NEED to be heard. If for no other reason then just for OUR PEACE OF MIND!

It's like the "C" word, noone wants to talk about that either, let alone the "D" word! :shock: But, WE NEED to talk about these things, and WE need to know it's okay to do that. Talking to friends that will listen is okay and somewhat helpful, but it's really our FAMILY that we want to listen to us.

Sure it's hard to hear, but it's even harder to talk about. It's very hard to get some of those words out of our mouth, without tears and sadness, but it's something that is soooo needed by us and we may only have to do it once or twice, but we DO need to be allowed to do it. So, a few tears are shed and then you move on. I GET IT! :wink:

When I would talk about things before my last heart surgery, (putting some things in order) I would here, "Don't talk like that!" "Why do you have to bring this up?", "I don't want to hear it". HOLY CRAP, I COULD DIE, I knew that! (7 surgeons said I wouldn't make it through another heart surgery) I guess you can't believe everything your told!) :wink: BUT that is reality that I could have died. So, all I wanted was to make sure some of the loose ends were taken care of. For whatEVER reason, I don't know, but it gave me comfort to know I covered (what I thought to be) all bases. I just needed to know everything was taken care of, and everyone was taken care of. That's all I wanted to do, for them and for me!

I GET what your saying Dannie. And oh, I did and still DO have a positive OUTLOOK, I just wanted to plan for WHATEVER!!! :roll::wink:

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I tried that also and got hostility. I finally just made a file containing my financial info (copies of credit cards, bank statements, investments and who to contact). Also I listed names and phone numbers/email addresses of people to contact, where keys to safe deposit is, etc.

It took me awhile to get this together but it's here.

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Dannie-

Boy, do I hear you!!!! Can't get my husband to talk about anything.

So - I made folders. One is for my son with his medical history, birth cert, SS card, etc in it.

One is for my husband with his insurance policies, his will, etc in it. One is for me with my will, SS card, birth cert, etc in it. Then I made up one for our joint stuff like our marriage license, joint insurance policies, house papers, etc. I even went so far as to write in black magic markers on the outside of the folder the persons name and everything that is in there!! It does take a while to do all that but I am glad its done. I even made one up for our auto and home insurance!!

Good luck. I know its difficult!!

Hugs - Patti B.

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They don't need to talk about it-- just show them where things are. John didn't want to talk about it but he made a list of all our accounts and passwords for bill paying etc.-- it's very handy. He did a lot online and it made it simple for me to take over.

I made the files like Patti for my kids and their guardian if anything happens to me. They should be able to find the life insurance and everything they need to get in my accounts.

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I don't want to talk either. When I did it I heart them. They know what I want. I just went toArgentina to by a flat so they will have something else if something happened. But I want to live to see my grandchildren grow. So even if we all know that my life is in parole they want to live the ost normal life. I don't have a will or anything & hthey don't want for me to do it. So I told them, please cremate me do a party & throw me with my dad in the water. Then if you are good sisters & brother will not fight for what is left. But please....lets think positive.

bestwishes & we have a long way to go I hope

bucky

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I totally understand. No one in my house will talk about it either. I put a binder together that I keep at work and my colleague has instruction to give it to my husband if something happens to me. I list out things like "Don't forget to sign the baby up for Chatechism in 1st. grade".

What I can say is that I recently was on a respirator for two weeks and my husband managed to pay bills, take Katia to Dance, sign Alex up for spring soccer, cook dinner so on and so forth. I was impressed. They will figure it out when they have to.

Lilly

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It's not an easy subject for family members to discuss. I filled out a document called "Caring Conversations". You can get the document at:

http://www.practicalbioethics.org/cpb.aspx?pgID=886. In it, you can describe your wishes for your care, financial info, burials, etc. It's a hard document to fill out when you are in our condition (very depressing), but it has all of the information for your loved ones so there is no mistake about your wishes. I haven't finished filling it out yet (it is very thought-provoking), but once I am finished, I will keep one at home and let my husband know where it is, give one to my primary care physician to put in my file, another one to my oncologist for my file, and one to a lawyer. That way all bases are covered.

Susan L

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Susan,

Thanks for the info. They've moved the link. It's now: http://www.practicalbioethics.org/FileU ... 121406.pdf

I'm nowhere near the end of this journey but it's good stuff to think about. I think I'll fill it out (in?) slowly and keep it in the box with wills and insurance policies and such. I had enough trouble getting my husband to acknowledge my health care proxy before my last surgery, so I don't think I'll raise this with him yet.

But it will be there, if life takes a surprising turn.

Thanks again,

Linda

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