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teriw

It's strange

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Anyone else have this? It seems like I always feel worse after I've had a good day. Today for example -- I spent the day doing things I wanted to do (nothing terribly exciting, but made me feel good), then went over to a friend's house for a ladies shopping party. Had fun, bought a couple things, talked a lot, laughed, joked, felt part of the world. Then I came home and it's like I'm a different person. Melancholy, quiet and introspective and missing Bill so, so much. It's strange. Sometimes I wonder who the heck I am.

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Teri,

It's one step forward and two steps back at the best of times. Six months today for me. I miss Tony so much that sometimes it's a tangible pain in my chest.

Coming home from anywhere "out there" makes us acutely aware that we go home alone and don't have our "other half" to greet us when we get there. I'm not sure I'll ever get used to that.

As to who we are? That remains to be seen. Sure sucks to have to redefine yourself at our stage of life. I think I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde.

Hugs of understanding Teri,

Debi

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Teri,

I always have that feeling of

physical emptiness when I get

home after mixing with people.

Fifty four months today that Mike

is gone and I feel like getting in

an empty cocoon each time I get

home.

Hate that feeling.

Hugs

Jackie

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I think when I'm out with people or at work I play this game in my head that things are normal. When I get home it hits me that it is just a game--John isn't there. I hate the reinventing thing too. Am I a single mother now? Widow with kids? Nut case on the loose? I think it helps that I have kids at home, I'm not alone and they are hurting too but it's hard, hard, hard. The hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Group hug ((())))

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can completely relate to everything said. SOme days good some still really bad. Love coming home to My Mocha Pup though and occasionally the Roomie. but especially the Mocha pup. My Neighbors daughter at age 2.5 greets me with a Hello equal to that of A father and I love those of course but.......................

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May I join all of you in a group hug. It just sucks , Teri. It just sucks. Everything I do, I am reminded he is not here to share it with me. It's a little over 2 years for me and I am thankful for having all of you to reassure me that it's not just me .

Hugs to all of you,

Sue

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Teri,

Getting close to the one year mark here, and I must say, you are all dead on. Iam the "funny" one at work, great sence of humor, always have. When I come home, its a different thing, reality hits, Iam alone,

and stay in and hide, its horrible, horrible, and Iam not good at being alone, cause I have never been my whole life.My only salvation right now is this board, thank god, you all understand, cause most people just dont.

Mary

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This is the first time I've posted since Aaron passed away. It's very comforting knowing that there are others going through the same thing. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Things have been really rough for me. I feel incredibly alone every time I come home. Everything reminds me of Aaron. I keep thinking I see him walking around the city. I'm unsure what to do with his clothes, shoes, etc. It hurts so much to even look at some of his things. I'm looking for a grief workshop to attend here in the city, hopefully that will help. I have to know though that things get better with time right?

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Four and a half years since my husband's death, and it still sucks majorly, but I can say that it does get better in many small ways. Now when I have those days that suck me into a deep dark hole, they're often followed by a few days of euphoria where I'm more or less content to be by myself. And finally, after a LOT of time, I seldom notice the emptiness of the house - coming back into it from daily chores and such doesn't tug at my heart -- it is still there, though, if I go on a trip or something and have been out of the house for a week or so. Like Ry said, it seems we can fool our mind into thinking that when we come back, life will be back to the old normal and our loved one will be there.

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"Ry"I think when I'm out with people or at work I play this game in my head that things are normal. When I get home it hits me that it is just a game--John isn't there. I hate the reinventing thing too.

I couldn't have said it better, Ry. I found myself at work the other day talking about Bill as if it was the present tense. I did it at lunch today. I say the words "used to," yet inside I'm not truly acknowledging that "used to" means "won't ever again," if that makes sense. Wow.

Thanks to everyone for responding and letting me know I'm not alone. (Great to see you post, Julia.)

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Hi all,

Oh yes, you're all so right. I had a week away with the children skiing which was lovely, but I've been totally miserable since we got back. Fooled myself that I was managing ok and now feel back to square one. But I just try to hold on that there will be some moments when I feel ok, and even, sometimes when I can almost feel "normal" - and hope those moments become more common.

Peace to everyone this Sunday night. Weekends are the worst, I find.

Pippa

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I didn't loose a spouse, but I lost my best friend. I am the same way when I come home. OK at work (with the tears just barely held back) but then when I come home it's the ugly crying. I shared everything with her. And now if something bad, good, funny, whatever happens at work I have no one to share it with.

I think we sound normal? We ALL can't be totally crazy, right?

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My neighbor just lost her husband in February. We were talking about this very thing today. I think the shock of finding herself alone is starting to wear off for her now but like the rest of us she has good days then bad days.

What Ry said about reinventing yourself is right on the mark. You become like a child again having to learn everything about life all over again. People will tell you that you need to get on with your life. I remember thinking "what life? my life ended" and that is what it is. The life we knew is over we can't just start living agian.

We have to find a way to build a new life from the ground up. The pain and the loniless do get better with time but they never leave completely. That is what your new life is all about. Building a life without the one you lost but also learning to accept the ache so it becomes so much a part of you that on most days you don't dwell on it.

I think another thing that I mentioned before. I only realized what I was doing when I saw my grandson doing the same thing after Denis died. You have to come to terms with the idea that it is alright to be happy sometimes. It is alright to laugh and enjoy yourself. Doing so is not doing your loved one an injustice. Not living and finding that new part of yourself is the real injustice.

When someone loves you and they die, they don't want you to spend the rest of your life miserable and unhappy. They want you to live and enjoy yourself and do all of the things that they can't do with you and that way you will keep them and your love alive much more than just crying and hiding out for the rest of your life ever could.

It is not easy and it takes a lot of hard work and a lot of tears and a lot of love but there is life after the loss of our loved ones. We just have to start from scratch and figure out what that life will be and remember that the pain and the tears all go toward building that life.

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Julia-

I am glad you are here-- I've thought of you many times. I haven't been able to get far with going through John's things. I started on his top dresser drawer and I found so many things, the kids baby teeth, birthday cards, a journal he started. It took me about an hour and a half to throw away some underwear because I had to sit and read the journal, look at all the cards etc. I figure at this rate I will get through his things by 2012.

I hope the support group helps you.

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Everything you all said, I feel too. After my week away I kept thinking of things to tell Rod. It was so painful that I don't plan to go away again for a long time.

Julia, it is getting better, easier to go on with life, almost 5 months now that I've been alone. It took until about the beginning of March till I didn't feel the debilitating pain everyday. I still have Rod's clothes in the closet, the things out of the dresser are in there in a clothes basket, with the door tightly shut.

My scariest thing right now is taking care of the acreage. Then I think, I just have to do one thing at a time, and I already had the responsibility last year. It's just that he was here last year to ask questions.

Barb

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I've done most of the clothes. I kept many things though. I kept special shirts to give to the kids. I kept Bill's leather bomber jacket that he's had forever, and I snuggle in it sometimes. I kept a bunch of t-shirts and lounge pants that I plan to have made into teddy bears to give to family.

But somehow I missed the sock drawer. And now I can't do it! So, the socks are there till whenever. I haven't taken any further steps though. Computer is still sitting in the other room as it was. Books are still on the bedside table with his reading glasses. Pics are still in the dining room. The house is as it was. But I sense I will make some changes there soon.

I agree with Lillian about needing to not feel guilty when you find joy. I don't really. I feel guilty sometimes for enjoying something I didn't have before -- like a deepening friendship with a girlfriend, or when I enjoy a sense of freedom. But of course, it wasn't a choice, it's not a trade and it's not a substitution. It just is what it is, right? It is life moving forward or in some direction or another. I can't even believe I'm nearly at 9 months. It can't be, but it is.

And I know Bill is STILL my biggest cheerleader!

Hugs,

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I'm so glad there are so many posts to this thread, so many who have been in these shoes helping to lift up or walk beside someone else.

I'm like blueeye in that I didn't lose a spouse, but like RY said, I can relate to "losing myself".

I don't want to hijack this post! I'll start another one, just want to give everyone a hug and thank you guys for being here for each other.

(((hug)))

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Alan Jackson pretty much sums it up for me most days!

It happens everytime I think about the reasons why I sittin here alone at night at night and not with you

The heartache takes control and lets me know just what a fool I was and how you cant erase the things you do

And sorry just cant mend the broken heart Ive handed you, break apart is what most broken hearts tell you to do

But I'm a long, long way from over you, don't think Ive ever seen so many shades of blue

They say that time will heal, don't know if I ever will cause I'm a long, long way from over you

Now over you just sounds like some lost city, people tell me how to find but somehow I just never do

And maybe its because I never wanted to at all of course now I see that I had the best in you

That clock just runs in circles, the days just go on by, the memories hold me closer no matter how I cry

I'm still a long, long way from over you, don't think Ive ever seen so many shades of blue

They say that time will heal, don't know if I ever will cause I'm a long, long way from over you

That clock just runs in circles, the days just go on by, the memories hold me closer no matter how I cry

I'm still a long, long way from over you, don't think Ive ever seen so many shades of blue

They say that time will heal, don't know if I ever will cause I'm a long, long way from over you

They say that time will heal, don't know if I ever will cause I'm a long, long way from over you

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It was probably late summer, about 9 months after Bill's death and I had bought new bedroom furniture, which meant, I needed to go thru his drawers to clean them out in preparation for the new furniture. It was much harder than I had anticipated and I found the "keep" pile a mile high and the "get rid of" pile completely empty. Finally I decided that no matter what I did with the rest of his clothes, his underwear was not something that would be donated and the only thing to do with it was to throw it out. I kept this bag of underwear sitting by my nightstand all week and then on garbage night my son was dragging the garbage cans out to the street and I went to put the bag into the cans and realized it was raining. There was this part of me that absolutely could not leave his underwear sitting out in the rain all night, so I set my alarm early and decided to take it out in the morning, before trash was picked up. I did that and then stood by the door for about 45 minutes drinking my coffee and peeping out the blinds waiting for the collectors to get the trash...watching the can with the bag in it. The tension was building until finally I heard the familiar sounds of the garbage truck nearby and I ran out, snatched the bag out of the can and put it all back in the drawer. I guess I just wasn't ready. About a year later, just last summer, when I was preparing to move, I threw out that old bag of underwear with hardly a second thought. I think timing is everything.

I miss my Bill too Terri and I'm not sure how/why I went off on that rant about his old underwear, but it was nice to relive those memories without such a heavy heart. I hope things get easier for you.

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Beth,

I'm so glad you DID share your underwear story with us. I could really see myself doing that and was waiting, as I read, for you to go "rescue" them. We do lots of seemingly silly stuff to an outsiders mind, but it all makes perfect sense to those of us who have lost our spouses.

Okay -- fessing up time for me. Not only have I not even thought about doing anything with Tony's clothes, but I still haven't washed his pillowcase. :shock: Everytime I wash the sheets I think, okay I'll do it this time, then back off and don't. Sometimes, even at six months, I can still get a hint of his "smell", so I don't want to lose that. (I do shake the pillow regularly though for you tidy-housekeepers out there.) I'm hoping our two sons will take all of his clothes to wear themselves. Just not quite ready to let go or walk into a half-empty closet. (I'm beginning to encroach on his side with my stuff as a tactic so I'm not shocked at an empty side one day.) Oh, the mind-games we play!

Now you know how weird I've become. :roll:

I still can hardly look at photos of him without turning into a sobbing mess. I have an older photo of him on the mantle so he doesn't seem so much like his more recent self. Does this make sense to anyone?

Welthy

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I slept with Johnny's robe every night except the last two times I went to Louisiana. I would have then but I just didn't have enough room. I started because it had his scent on it. Then it became a comfort habit. It has been washed many times and now after this past trip I stopped sleeping with it but I still put in on when I get out of the shower until I get dressed.

I have the last pants and shirt he wore. I have never washed them and never will. They no longer have his scent but they touched him just like his brush and his shoes. I have more of his clotes and know that I really need to give them away but even now after more than 5 years I just can't bring myself to do it.

One thing too I have a locket with his picture and a few strands of hair I took out of his brush. I wear that locket everyday along with my praying hands. I have all of the cards we gave eachother and some poems that I wrote for him that he carried with him. I even saved the lock of my hair that he carried in his billfold.

I don't think it hurts to keep these things. I can't imagine parting with them but I don't dwell on them like I once did. They too have become a part of my life. Yes once in a while the tears still fall. Talking to my neighbor who lost her husband is very emotional. We both end up crying but I think the tears help in the long run.

As for having fun I really do enjoy my life. I would certainly trade my freedom (that I love) and all of the other things to have Johnny back with me or even have Denis still alive if not with me. I didn't have a choice any more than any of you did. Our old lives ended but a new life awaits us all and someday the ultimate new life will come when we can join our loved ones again.

By the way I do alright with pictures but songs especially good old country songs can really start the water works. That music was so much a part of Johnny and of our life together.

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I've done some weird things with the clothes too. I know I pulled something out of the trash because it was raining too! I just can't remember what! I moved stuff around a couple times before actually parting with anything. I did what I did manage to do in stages. I never planned it. I usually had another reason (like I needed the space). Yesterday I actually peeked in the drawers where I moved Bill's clothes to find I had actually saved more than I remembered -- including his slippers. I have all his glasses -- I could go on.

I've never found anything with the scent. That was something I was so upset about -- people washed everything. I remember the very day Bill passed trying to find something. It's nowhere. I think that's why I like the leather jacket, because it has a familiar smell, even though it's not the one I'm seeking.

I actually have his pictures in every room. I have a wonderful picture I love on the desktop of my computer. And I love watching our home movie videos. They bring tears, for sure, but it's the closest thing I have to seeing Bill being himself, and us being "us." However, others in my grief group are the opposite -- cry looking at pics, and can't begin to watch a video. We seem split on those things providing comfort or upsetting us.

I so agree with Beth that timing is everything, and the timing is going to be different for each of us. I've tried to force some things in the past, and now realize more than ever that it's the wrong thing to do. I think you actually hinder and prolong the roughest part of grief if you force it.

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"teriw" -- including his slippers. I have all his glasses -- I could go on.

I so agree with Beth that timing is everything, and the timing is going to be different for each of us. I've tried to force some things in the past, and now realize more than ever that it's the wrong thing to do. I think you actually hinder and prolong the roughest part of grief if you force it.

Teri -- I completely agree with your second comment above -- Beth nailed it about timing.

Slippers -- lol. I KNEW they would be a problem for me. Tony was Mr. Slipper -- we had to return home more than once because he'd forget to put his shoes on and wear them when we'd go out. I had him wear them into eternity. It was so him.

Lily -- I can't listen to any music at all. I cry well enough on my own.

Weird how grief manifests itself in so many different ways, isn't it?

I'm glad that we are sharing some of this stuff -- makes us all feel better that we aren't oddballs. :shock: Typically we all just suck it up, so it's nice to see other's post who are in our position.

Welthy

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I'm having such a hard time with Aaron's clothes and belongings. So much so that I've started wearing his socks! I don't know what it is, but I feel closer to him when I wear one of his t-shirts to bed, and even though he wore a size 13, and I wear a size 6, I still wear his socks. No one will ever notice. I actually like wearing his socks as crazy as it sounds. Aaron's books,records, and art work will always surround me, but when do we move past needing the presence of clothes and shoes? Aaron actually had a larger shoe collection than I did! I feel like it's so much a part of him, and I'm afraid to move on from any of his belongings, it's too painful. I feel like I won't ever get those pieces back from him. I know I probably sound crazy, but I still sleep one my side of the bed as if I still need to make room for him. Sometimes I put pillows on his side of the bed to fool me in to thinking that he's there when I fall asleep - not that I'm sleeping much at all, it just makes me feel better. I'm also wearing his wedding ring around my neck, it makes me feel closer to him. I do have shirts that still smell like Aaron, and I sleep with those as well.

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