oh my god this hurts so much

[shelliemacs]

this happened to me like a light switch getting turned on. My mom is gone...how can this be...she is MY mom how could she leave me??

I can't believe how this happened, its like I am just waking up on August 15 and my mom has just died.

My husband took me to a movie last night for the first time in 2 years. It was a holiday movie and when we got out of the movie theater that was in a mall, I saw all the people shopping and getting ready for the holidays and all of a sudden it just OVERWHELMED me that my mom is in a box, in a concrete vault, under dirt and rocks with a marble rock at her head with her name engraved on it.

WHY has GOD taken so much from me this year. 5 people, FIVE, my mom and 8/15, my uncle on 8/18 (the day we burried mom), our priest who went from baptism to marriage with me on 8/25, my 17 year old nephew on 10/27, my 52 year old aunt on 11/10 and I still have a 34 year old cousin who is end stage (maybe 4 weeks left) mouth and neck cancer.

Nothing hurst though as much as my mom. How can anyone be enjoying the holidays when MY MOM is dead. WHY is my mom dead, why do some people respond to treatment and others not....why do some doctors fight with every weapon in the cancer arsenal or my moms didn't. why didn't my mom fight harder, why did she ever smoke, why did god take my dad when I was 9 and now my mom in my early 30's. How am I expected to live the next potentially 40 years without ever seeing a parent again.

I am so angry and for the last 12 hours all I can do is cry and be angry. I tore my husband apart because he says "you have to go on" how does he expect me to do that. There is no joy left, nothing to look forward too, no anxious-ness for the upcoming holidays.

I have spent the last 3 months holding up my step-father, being the strong one, telling him it was gonna be ok. that she was still with us and that the pain will subside someday. BUT wham it just hit me, I guess cause maybe I didn't go to his house last night for the first time since mom died. I didn't have to be the strong one, I didn't have to hold anyone up and it all came CRASHING down on me.

DAMMIT MY MOM IS GONE AND THE WORLD GOES ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

what do I do now, how do I ever find joy, happiness.

why is she gone.............I feel like I am angry all the time now, that I have lost all my care and sympathy for others. I am short with people, I have no patience for mistakes and people who make them. I am hard on people and unforgiving.

I have changed and not for the better, please someone help me.

[cathy]

Hi Shelly,

I know and I'm here and I hate that we feel this way.

[DeanCarl]

Shelly,

If I had a magic wand I would use it to put an end to your pain and bring you joy and peace again. But I do not. I do know the feelings you express. I lost my mom to lung cancer a few years ago. Like you, my mom and I were best buddies. And I know this ... I'll NEVER stop missing her. But, through the months and years since she passed away, the pain has lessened more and more. Today I can remember her without feeling like my heart is being torn out of my body. I can even laugh and smile remembering some of the wonderful times we spent together.

Looks like you put your grief on hold for the sake of someone else you care about. And that can be a good thing ... for a while. But eventualy we all need to deal with our own feelings and that, I think, is what's happening to you right now. It's natural. It's normal. And it hurts like nothing we've ever experienced.

If I have any suggestions they would be to (one) seek out counseling. My wife is seeing a counseler already (my cancer is considered incurrable) and it's been a big help. (two) Continue to do what your doing here. Share what's going on with you with folks who've walked the path your on. My wife hooked up with a lady over the internet who's husband is in the end stage of his cancer and it's helped both of them a lot. And (three) understand the feelings you have right now WILL lessen. Slowely, often painfuly, but they WILL lessen. I KNOW this to be true.

Now, the following is my own personal belief and you may not feel the same way, but .... I do NOT for one MOMENT think that your Mom is in a "box" in the ground somewhere. While I am not a member of any religous group I do have a strong belief that this life is simply one part of our journey. I believe that your Mom, my Mom, Katie's Dad and all the others who've left us have gone on to another part of that journey. Where that journey leads I cannot know, of course, until I take that road myself. But I am absolutely convinced to the very center of my soul that it leads somewhere good.

Dean

[Snowflake]

Dean, very eloquently said. I strongly urge the counseling, even before the anti-anxiety medication. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, someone to help you with tools to help yourself heal.

Shelly, I'm GLAD you're pissed off, I'm GLAD you are taking time to grieve on your own (not that it's anyone's favorite time of life, but it NEEDS to be dealt with so you can go on with your life). I believe you are working through your grief in a "normal" way and need to let it continue to flow out and not be dammed up in your soul. It's NOT healthy to hold in the grief and let it wring out the goodness...let it go. Hold on to the memories, not the pain.

I empathize with your year of loss. I've experienced a year from hell myself (and I have learned to NEVER say "it can't get any worse" because I'm always proved wrong...).

I wish you peace, and an easier walk through grief.

Becky

[kimd]

Shelly:

Please find comfort in the fact that everone cares about you and supports you. You have a right to be mad -- my mom is very angry right now. I understand your multiple losses. We had a lousy year in '99. My father-in-law died of cancer on Good Friday (dxd only 3 mos earlier), my blessed grandmother died 2 mos later and my dad couldn't attend her funeral because he fell off a two-story building and broke his back (almost killed himself!). I kept asking God why me and what had I done. I lost two precious people and almost a third. We decided that the new millenium had to be better -- WRONG! On Jan 16th, both my parents were injured in a terrible auto accident (not their fault) and both were lucky to be alive. God sent two Drs. at scene to help keep them alive. They were in bad shape for awhile, but God spared them. I had to drive over 6 hrs to even reach them (Chattanooga) not knowing whether they would be there or not. It's a terrible feeling to walk into ER and see both parents lying in terrible pain and suffering side-by-side hooked up to everything imaginable! Well, now my mom is wondering why God spared them -- that it would be easier if they both would have went then. I feel very blessed that I have had 4 more wonderful years with my dad since I almost lost him twice. I am trying to build memories right now and am wondering how I am going to cope if he's not here. Keep posting -- helps me prepare for what I have to face!

[Andrea B.]

Shelly,

I wish I could give you the magical answer to take away your pain and make you feel better. I have been struggling with my anger and despair over seeing my mom suffer. I decided to start journaling and one of the things I notice I keep asking, WHY?! I think I could make myself sick asking it over and over. Deep in my heart I know there is no answer. My mom has been so sick that all she can do is sit in her chair and sleep. My friend told me the other day how she was going to a Christmas show with her mom and daughters and I started to cry. How come everyone else gets to go on with their life and my mom and family are left to struggle?!

I guess I am trying to say that you aren't alone in your struggle with feelings. I think it is good that you are allowing yourself to grieve finally. Because only time is going to heal wounds.

I send you a big hug and know that I am here if you need anything.

[kimblanchard]

Shelley

I am glad that you posted your message. I have been thinking about you and all our other dear members who have lost loved ones recently because I know that the holidays are going to be very rough for you. I think you are doing the best thing possible, talking about your loss, I found when I lost my brother that it was the only thing that helped me get through it. Just keep talking out your pain to anyone who will listen, it is the only way to get rid of it. Come here and vent and post your feelings, we understand and care about you and I am sure a lot of other people do too.

Bess B

[mittlers]

Shelly,

I agree it is just not fair. I miss my Mom and it is not fair that my 5 year old daughter will probably not remember her.

I'm praying for you and everyone,

Susan M.

[Snowflake]

A thought on the "Why?" chorus:

I've been dealing with the whole diagnosis thing for a little while now, and EVERYTIME I start on the "Why me?", there's a VERY persistent inner voice that says "Why NOT you?". For every argument, there is an answer if you listen. For example:

Why me - I just got remarried! I have someone to support me, emotionally.

Why me - I don't have TIME for this! I need to take some time and worry about ME, not everyone else.

Why me - I am the "glue". I need to see what it's like to have to ask for help so I understand what I need to do to help others.

Why me - it hurts on more than a physical plane. I am proving to myself that I am strong in many ways.

Why me - I'm not anyone special. I've touched more peoples' lives than I ever imagined.

Why me - why did MY "favoritest" person have to die? It was his time, it had nothing to do with me - but he knows I loved him.

Take the time to see both sides of the "why" - it helps me to cope.

Peace,

Becky

[stephnewyork34]

Hey there girl,

I know it hurts soooo much, and your husband has to "fix" it, it is what men do, they can't help it. e loves you and sees you hurting and that is why he said what he did. He doesn't know what to say. I wish I could make it feel better and I know when my Mom goes I will feel the same way as you do, but everyone is right about going on. I lost my stepbrother a couple years ago and we had been apart for a few years and I feel terrible and guilty and all that stuff you are feeling, so I do know that it sometimes feels unbearable, but you will make it through this.

I also agree with miss Becky about the "why me" good and bad, I do that kind of listing to when it gets overwhelming.

So hang in there, and everyone loves you.

BIG HUGSSSSS

[glo]

Oh, Shellie -

All I can say is I sooo understand. It hurts beyond belief. I think you have been postponing your grief and have probably been in shock more than you realize. It lasts a long time for some of us, and when it wears off, the pain is raw.

I'm not a particularly religious person, but my husband died on Sept. 1 (Labor Day weekend) in the same unit of the same hospital where my 21-year old son had died on Labor Day weekend (Aug. 31) in 1989. Of course it may be coincidence -- but it doesn't feel like it. I don't feel that they are in a box in a hole under dirt. It feels like when my husband could no longer fight the cancer my son reached out to him. I choose to believe they are together in a better place because it comforts me, but by no means does it prevent me from being as devastated as you are now. And I too feel "but how can it be happening to ME?"

Try and remember you have a husband to live for, as I have my 29-year old daughter.

Give yourself permission to express your grief. It's a rare day that I don't dissolve at least once, but every day I survive is one day closer to a time when the memories will comfort more than they hurt. It's just a long, long road and there's no turning back.

And yes, the holidays are catalysts for these feelings -- everybody else seems to be so happy.

For all those who are grieving, I wish us all more peace each day.

Gloria

[Donna D]

((((Shelly))))

Hang in there, I know how you feel right now. Keep trying, vent, scream, and cry. But there are people around you that love and support you. I always think of what Mom would want from me at these rough times and the love and strenght she taught me. I don't want to disappoint her that I gave up on the others around me that care. I want her to come and shine through me because she was the best and she always gave herself to others. I want to be just like her. Shelly, try and find your mom in yourself, and you will feel her deep inside, loving and listening.

Dona

[Karen]

Shellie,

I just want you to know that I am thinking of you now, and in fact, I think of you and Cathy and Susan M. and Katie B and others who are walking this path quite often while dealing with the loss of my father-in-law. He would've been 57 on Nov. 16 and it just really hit hard. Every time I looked at his pictures it just seemed so unfair and surreal that we would never see him that way again. I have spent a lot of time trying to help others deal with this and my husband has momentarily gotten to a better place with it, so I guess I finally had the time to let my own guard down and let it sink in again. (Gosh it hurts to think of all the things that he and the kids will miss out on.) My husband was pretty much like yours in telling himself he has to go on. The nature of most men is, like someone else said, to FIX things...either that or go in the cave(garage) to get away from it. He has finally realized he can't really fix it or get away from it. The only way is to go through it in whatever way feels right to him. Realizing that was a huge step for him, and I don't doubt that if it were me in his shoes, much like your husband he would say something of the nature your husband did. Just being guys. One thing that lately drives me nuts is that he and his brothers don't want to talk about their dad much. I suppose it is avoidance from the feelings, but I just can't help but feel like talking about my father-in-law when we are there at his house with his kids and grandkids running all about. My sisters-in-law and I try to talk about him because that is how we want to deal with our feelings of loss I guess, and they get up and leave the room. So we just shut up at that point and jump into their mode, because after all he was their dad more than ours.

Anyway, I want to make sure I mention to you that I agree with Dean that your mom is not in that box under the ground. She is a dear sweet spirit who you will see again someday, and I do believe she was there to shake your bed! Both my mother-in-law and I, her of course more than me, have had feelings that my father-in-law's spirit was there. I had never experienced anything like it before, and being a Christian I believe in an afterlife...just wasn't sure we had access to folks in that way once they'd moved on, but I am totally sure he was in his garage when I went in to put away all the pictures I had used for his memorial. I could "feel" him and I talked to him and felt very at peace with that moment. So talk to your mom, I believe she is listening. Sally (mil)talks to Salvador a lot, she cries a lot, she does whatever she needs to each day. She feels he watches over her sometimes while she sleeps.

My husband has found time to reflect and mourn while hiking around hunting, but every time he sets foot in our garage he deals with it all over again just like you said you got hit when coming out of the movies. They always had projects going on and there are some unfinished ones out there.

We just have to do it one hour or day at a time, especially through the holidays. I wish you peace and hope.

Karen M.