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Something kind of weird.

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Hi guys,

I'm going to try and explain this as plainly as possible, hope you understand what I'm talking about.

It has occured to me lately that suddenly Hank and I are really not sure about how to relate to each other.

It's like, suddenly there's a 10,000 lb. gorilla in the room. I refuse to talk about the possibility that this might not turn out well, but I'm sure that my outward demeanor tells him that I'm not absolutely convinced that he will be alright. Anytime I talk to him about what I think is going to happen I am always saying that we have great doctors, and I think it's going to be alright, but in my head, much of the time, I am so worried that it won't, I'm sure it shows.

As for Hank, he's not talking about it much at all.

It's so hard to just go about everyday as if theres no real problem here, and yet, we need to just go about our daily lives as normally as we can in order to not get wrapped up in fear and worry.

Anyway, I hope what I just tried to explain came out in an understandable way, and I look forward to your thoughts.



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Yeah that Gorilla lived at my house for almost 3 years too and Now I kinda Miss Himn believe it or not. The reality is scary. That is the cold hard truth. This disease makes a lot of people realize their lives are sccarily affected by it and it is hard to have that talk. I know we avoided it for 2 and a half years and One night We just turned off the tv and went outside and had the talk. And that was the end of the subject! We went to bed and we were fine the next morning basically. Cried a lot more, Loved a lot more and had some more fun while we could. Couple of weeks later reality snuck in and took over! It is hard to accept the fact that time is limited! But if you sit and just keep thinking about the end your quality of time together is miserable and sad and gloomy and the cancer wins!

HAve the rtalk and get it over with! Do all the estate planning and Funeral Planning. Notice I said PLANNING!!!!!! Then live life to the fullest! remember the good and forget the bad! Remember yesterday, Cherish Today and Pray for a great tomorrow! Thats the best we can do!

Hugs and Prayers Randy.

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We had the same thing here. We did have a couple of "what if it doesn't go well" conversations but there was so much left unsaid. Men don't understand that they aren't talking. I remember one day I told John he had to talk to me and he was surprised-- he thought he had been. They are just wired differently (sorry guys).

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Ditto what Ry said. We did a health care power of attorney for both of us before the final diagnosis and got (we thought) all of our ducks in a row with insurance, wills, trusts, etc. Only had few moments initially of Tony expressing which son to give what ring to kind of things. At the beginning, with a stage IV diagnosis, heavy tumor burden, and no cure, we were pretty realistic and didn't think he'd have much time. We never kidded ourselves and knew the odds were heavily stacked against us for a happy ending and yet maintained hope that he could be one of the "few".

My husband went into full fight mode from the moment of diagnosis and never looked back. I went with how he handled it and followed his lead. This ultimately was his life and his cancer regardless of how close we were. I respected his choice on how to handle the issue. That was how we controlled a situation that was out of our control. He never was much of a talker and the only references to the elephant in our room was couched in "if something should happen and you're not here" types of talk. It was how he always operated and I didn't expect some cataclysmic moment of revelation between us. That was okay by me, because we showed our love and concern every day through the little things we could do for each other. We'd celebrate good news and hold each other when bad news came. We protected each other by keeping our game faces on and didn't share our fears very often, yet innately knew how we felt.

That's about it, other than the "I love you's" flowed much more freely after his diagnosis. Our love for each other deepened in ways that we never knew it could.

Best of luck to you as you grapple with these issues.


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Gail, sorry I'm just finding this.

The gorilla lived at Mom's, too, and, like Randy said, I almost miss the big furry lug now. LOL

Our way around him was sarcasm. Always, always, a joke was at the ready for the moments when we felt like the world was collapsing around us. Don't get me wrong, there were serious talks every so often, and many many many tears...but even after those, there would be someone cracking a joke, we'd all laugh, and things would be "ok" again.

Somehow, in all the sidestepping and avoiding we seemed to be doing, we all got said what we needed to say and we heard what was being said to us. Mom used to get SOOOO irritated with my stepfather because it seemed like he was living in a world all of his own making where everything would be just fine and Mom would beat her cancer. For her, and because of her choices for the rest of us, it was all about buying more time but we all knew what was coming without having to talk about it.

I was surprised, after Mom died, to read the journal she kept during her treatment. Turns out that we really DID communicate better than I thought because all of it matched up with her "private thoughts".

I hope the gorilla gives you all some room for a while.

Sending love,

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Hi Missy,

Thanks for your very thoughtful post.

I guess we're going to work through this in our own way as it naturally unfolds.

On the one hand, I remain ever hopeful that Hank will somehow find a way through this, at least for a good long while. On the other hand, I know the odds are stacked against us.

I guess you're right, it's good that at least the gorilla is still in the room.

Thanks for your kind thoughts,


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Hmmm... I preferred the elephant myself. LOL

Missy is soooo right Gail. Humor was a biggie in our house, sometimes pretty dark. Got us through a lot of rough times.

(My widow brain forgets things a lot -- thanks for the reminder Missy! I love the new pic, but have to say I miss the old one. Your little fellow always made me smile very broadly with his impish eyes.)



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