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Hello, I just don't know how to deal with this! Dad


Tarek

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Hello, i'm Tarek, i'm from Alexandria, Egypt.. i've been reading in this forum for a while now. About a year ago, my dad had some trouble breathing and had shortness of breath, so he went to the doctors and they said it was just some water around the heart, and they would drain it..Then he went in for this and they drained the water but right after he literally couldn't breath, and said he felt as if he was drowning, they did some tests and he came back positive for Beyond stage 4 lung cancer, this all came out of nowhere!!! He was in the hospital for about 2 weeks very tired and having alot of trouble breathing and had to be on oxygen, then finally he was able to come home.. he is 62 yrs old, i am 30

We couldn't tell him he had lung cancer for the first 2 weeks, we wanted him to gain his strengh first, he is a very proud man and was already very shaken from this not being able to breath experience..we went to the doctor and they told him and he handled it pretty well, But they did not tell him he was BEYOND stage 4 *he used to smoke 3 packs a day until about 2 years ago he stopped because he had burgers disease (something from the nicotine blocking the arteries)

Then we did the bone and brain scan and they both came back as cancerous as well (doctor told me he had 3 months to live) they put him on light chemo just 5 sessions i think....he was coughing all the time at home, very bad cough that really used to kill me to hear him like this, he couldn't walk from the bedroom to the toilet without loosing his breath and running for oxygen.. he did not have trouble with brain or bones, he responded well to the light chemo and did not puke or lose hair..(he does not know about the Brain and Bones, if we told him he would JUST GIVE UP..and in Egypt really they don't tell the patient he has a limited time to live unless they ask, plus its all in God's hands anyways///

this was all last June 07" i was with him for about 2 months in Egypt then came back to the states where i am currently working, he gradually got much better and the cough went away and he was now able to get out of bed and no oxygen and go out and so on, i came back to Egypt 8 months later April 08, he looked much better but his leg was very swollen and hurting him by that time and he couldn't leave bed, but he wasn't using the oxygen and looked healthier (Cancer Doc said cancer is stable) But about 3 weeks ago he started having more bone pain, around his pelvis and back and now COUGHING BAD again, its such a horrible cough, but he does not really use oxygen like last year,(he does use a machine that you put a fluid in that he inhales and it produces oxygen as well, he uses it once a day) this seems like a dry cough with a rattling sound to it in the lungs..we went to the cancer doc and he said this has something to do with his chest and the cancer itself is stable so this is something else (maybe side effect) so we went to chest doc and did x-ray and all, *just very little water in the lungs* and he said he has bronchitis, and put him on meds, This was 3 weeks ago and he seems to be getting WORSE, the PAIN in his bone is getting very bad he can't sleep, and he can't eat much, he looks so week... They got some kind of injection that has part morphine for my dad but he took it once for the pain and he did not like it, and neither did i, he was so out of it when he took it, he will not take it again..so when we see teh doc we will ask for some kind of pain medication for his bones!

My Strong MACHO father looks like a baby now, and he is sometimes saying very strange things, and forgetting alot and gets mad easy, and i noticed he is confused when counting money or anything.. it is so strange and such a weired feeling, i didn't have the greatest relationship with my dad, he was very tough so sometimes i feel guilty because even though i'm here in Egypt with him i still do not know how to show him much affection, or to sit with him, he is in his room and i'm in the living room watching TV..its hard to explain my feeling, we went through some tough times together and OFCOURSE this is serious and i forgive and forget all the bad things, but something inside me is CONFUSED i guess..i don't know howto ACT!!! My dad is divorced and i'm his only Son so aside from my uncles and aunts coming to visit him every few days he is mostly alone I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! specially my Aunts live in Cairo so they can't go visit him everyday because he lives in Alexandria, they come once a week or so!

We are going back to the Cancer doc and chest doc this week, i have a bad feeling my father will not last long! i have to go back to the USA on June 5th and if something happens to him while i'm gone it will be very hard..We are Muslim and if someone dies they have to buried right away, so i would not even be there on time to attend his funeral God Frobid if something happens..Ouf..this is such a strange expreience my dad was so tough and such a MAN and now he looks so frail that just came out of nowhere...i really really feel so confused, so guilty, so strange!

Lung cancer is such a horrible illness, really...God damn this illness..i do know one thing, none of us will die missing even a Minute or second of our lives that God wrote for us..but its just horrible to see someone have to Suffer like this...

Sorry for the long entry!

Tarek

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You are right Tarek. This disease and watching people suffer is quite beyond awful. It sounds like you have done the best you can in supporting your dad through this, particularly given the distance between you. May peace be with you both at this time.

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Tarek-

So sorry to hear about your dad. You are so right - this disease is horrid - noone deserves it.

You say you don't know how to show your dad affection......Tarek, you have gone back and forth from the US to Egypt - what a wonderful giving thing to do for him. I am sure he realizes the sacrifices you are making to be with him. He is very lucky to have you as his son.

Please keep us updated and let us know how we can help you.

Patti B.

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Welcome, Tarek. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, though.

When your dad sees the cancer doctor again, can you go with him? Maybe you could talk privately with the doctor and he would give you a clearer picture of your dad's health. Perhaps he will order a CT scan and/or PET scan, a bone scan, and an MRI of his brain.

Please keep in touch with us and let us know what the doctors recommend next week.

Muriel

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"Muriel"]Welcome, Tarek. I'm sorry that you have reason to be here, though.

When your dad sees the cancer doctor again, can you go with him? Maybe you could talk privately with the doctor and he would give you a clearer picture of your dad's health. Perhaps he will order a CT scan and/or PET scan, a bone scan, and an MRI of his brain.

Please keep in touch with us and let us know what the doctors recommend next week.

Muriel

They already did both those scans and they both came back showing they have cancer, so he has Lung, bone and brain cancer! I did speak to the doctor privatley and he told me there is not much that can be done and last year he said he had 3 months to live. But he got better but now all of a sudden its a sharp decline in the past 3 weeks.

@Patti: I am here in Egypt with him, but like i said i DO NOT SPEND MUCH TIME by his side, i am usually in the other room, and so on, and i also went to Istanbul, Turkey to see my girlfriend for 10 days..i do rub a medicine on his back pelvis area to ease his bone pain there daily, and ofcourse sit with him and bring him tea and so on, but i just can't sit by his bedside the entire day...so i do feel guilty that i am here and NOT HERE

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Tarek there is nothing easy about this disease, not for your Dad, not for you. Your Dad knows you love him and are there when you can be. That is important. It helps. You do not have to sit with him every moment for him to know you care.

Let us know how things are going.

Donna G

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Tarek,

Your thoughts about lung cancer are absolutely correct. It is a horrid disease.

All that you have written about what you have done for your father is heartwarming to read. Having a wonderful son caring this much is so beautiful for him.

I know from experience that when any one of our son's calls or visits my husband(Stage IV lung cancer survivor), he is very much comforted.

Your love is evident, and your posting touched me deeply. May you receive comforting for yourself, as well. I send my good thoughts to you. What you have done in the name of love for your Dad is a blessing for him.

Parents know when they are loved.

Barbara

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Tarek: I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. One thing I have learned this past year is that it is so much harder on family members than on us patients.

Your dad does know you love him though. Never doubt that.

You are there for him, in spirit when not physicallly.

You're doing your best. You can do no more.

Carole

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Tarek

I am so sorry for all you are going through.

As a mother I can tell you that just by being there your father knows you love him. You are doing everything you can and it is more than enough. You have faith and that will get you so far, because you know that God is there to help both of you have the strength to deal with this.

Peace to you,

Janet

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  • 2 months later...

My father died on July 16th, my God have mercy on his soul. :( I was able to be there in Egypt when he passed away, i was in Egypt from April 4th until June 15th then came back to the USA for 3 weeks and was back in Egypt again on July 12th, i got to say my goodbye to him on the last day, i was at the hospital and kissed him and said i love you, this was about 6pm and he said i love you as well, then i had to leave the hospital because no one is allowed there after 6 (its a military hospital, he was in the military) and i knew he would not make it past that night, because he was breathing with a gargle all day..next day July 16th at 3am he passed away!

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Tarek, I am so sorry for your loss but so glad you were there. And it sounds as though the last moments with your father were gentle and loving and maybe even a little closing of the distance you felt between you earlier.

Judy in Key West

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