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Does the guilt every go away?


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It has been 10 days since I lost my Dad. I HAD to tell him it was okay to go....he held on in such pain waiting for me to say those words. Some of my last words to my dad were a HUGE lie. I did not tell him I wanted him to be free of pain, I did not tell him I wanted him whole again. I told him it was okay to go.....it wasn't okay. I have NEVER lied to my Dad and the guilt I am feeling for those last moments is eating me alive.

Everyone is telling me I did it for him - which I did but that doesn't change the fact that I lied to him. I am so lost without him. I saw or spoke to my dad everyday for over 38 years - these past 10 days have be hell. I go to bed crying and I wake up crying - I know I have to learn to life my live without him - that is what he would want for me. My Dad was not just a huge part of my life - he was my life. I am so broken without him.

Just thought I might feel better after typing it out....I don't.

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I said the same thing..."It's OK to go Mom. You did good."

Maybe we said it even though we both know things would not be OK for us, but maybe it was God's way of telling them it was OK to go to Him through us.

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. If you ever feel the guilt over this situation, remember you were put in the impossible situation, a sick parent is the l;ast thing a child wants. And the decisions and outcomes that follow are beyond what we could have ever prepared for.

So please take it easy on yourself.

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Ya know the coulda shoulda wouldas and 5 Bucks will get you a large latte at starbucks!! Thats my way of saying don't beat yourself up. I was not in the same boat when Deb passed. Was not even at the hospital. BUt when Her dog daisy died I was right there saying the same thing. And because Daisy was part of Deb it was same effect. You did the right thing! You really did. You will always have the memories and try to focus on the good ones and not the bad ones. REmember how much fun you had as a child with Dad. WHen you start to feel bad go get a dozen eggs, go outside and throw them at something like a tree or a fence. Transfer the guilt that you have out of your body that way. THen have a long talk with your dad. Just look up and start talking, yelling, crying, cursing, what ever makes you feel better. It worked for Me!!!!!!

PAryers and hugs and be gentle with yourself. THis is a new normal to adjust to. Not a fun one but...........

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We were told that we should tell mom it was okay to go too. We all did it but it broke our hearts to say the words. I really think mom held on until my Dad also said the words. The day after he was able to say them she passed. It was the day after my dad's birthday. I think I would have felt guilty either way. I feel guilty about saying it was okay when I really didn't want her to go. I didn't want her to think we were giving up. At the same time, I think I would have felt guilty not saying them and having her feel like she had to hang on for us even though she was suffering so much. I think we just do what we feel is best at the time. Hang in there.

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Dina,

I'm sorry you are feeling this anguish over saying those words. I know that I felt that same way and it was pretty acute in the weeks following my husband's passing. I was beside myself with grief.

It's true though, they need to hear that it's okay for them to lay down their burdens and stop fighting. My husband passed 30 minutes after I told him it was okay to go for the second time. My daughter also told him the same thing. He was unconscious, but we knew he heard us. You pretty much don't have a choice and it is for their benefit to let them know it's okay despite feeling that it goes against everything in your soul.

This too shall pass -- but not for awhile. A long while. Don't feel guilty though. You loved him enough to let him go.

Hugs,

Welthy

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It's been so soon since you lost your dad...you will go thru alot more feelings and ups and downs and questions and what ifs....which are all normal......but I wanted you to know that I do understand and share a little bit about what happened with me.

My dad was in the hospital for 11 days. And for 10 1/2 days I never told him it was ok to "go". I didn't want him to go! I wanted him to know that I was here laying next to him and that I would be here to get him thru it and I waited and waited for him to wake up for some sort of miracle to happen.....I held onto hope with the tip of my fingernails even as it was slipping away.....the last day, the last grandchild came from out of state. ALL of his family was there...every last one-

Rickey wispered into my dad's ear that he would always take care of his little girl (me), promised him that. And then I told my dad that I would always take care of my mom and that he should "rest" now, we would be ok, "IT" was ok...we loved him so much......he died 20 minutes later.

Was he waiting for that? Like your post said, part of it was a lie- I did NOT want him to "go"...it was NOT ok with me....but it was something I had to say, for him. In case he was struggling or fighting, I wanted him to know it was ok to finally be at peace.

Now, with my mom...she was in the hospital for 8 days. On day TWO they said she would be "gone soon" because of the internal hemmoraging. So everyone told her it would be "ok" for her to go be with dad and how much we loved her....she hung on for SIX more days...did she even hear those words? She squeezed my hands... Do those words even matter at all in the grand scheme of things since we all go when it's our time to go anyway......heck did my dad hear those words or was it sheer coincidence when he passed away? Maybe none of it mattered and they couldn't even hear us? Maybe they do hear us but they've no control over when they go? Maybe my dad was resigned and my mom was stubborn?

More questions that simply can't be answered- and that we shouldn't beat ourselves up for. Everyone is different in life AND in death.

The only thing we know for sure, is that your dad loved you. He was loved and he knew love and that is what you carry in your heart. Don't beat yourself up. He wouldn't want that for you.

Grieving is so hard. Keep talking, we are here for you. Be gentle on yourself. I hope the days ahead are kinder on you.

(((hug)))

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Dina,

i am in the same boat as you. I lost my Dad 1 month ago and still feel that way. I knew for the whole entire time (3yrs) what lied ahead. I never had "the talk" like everyone said we should. Dad was not much of a talker and to get serious with him was just ... i dont know... weird? the last month he was in the hospital for 3 weeks and them home on Hopsice for 2 weeks untill he passed. I FINALLY told him the day before that it was ok to go, that we would be ok. But will we ever be? I am sure that there will be a day sometime down the road when we will, but to beat your/ourselfs up this soon over the guilt is not good for you/us.

My biggest thing that I stuggle with is the whole" he is in a better place" line that everyone says. ( I know its true) BUT WHY COULDNT THAT BETTER PLACE BE WITH ME!!!!! WHY DIDNT YOU FIGHT HARDER, EAT BETTER ,DRINK MORE, TAKE YOUR MEDICINE LIKE YOU SHOULD OF... these are the toughts that I have running thorugh my mind ever day...

I am sure you are felling the same way, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. Its ok to feel this way, its a part of grieveing, but remember, it will get better!!!!!

We are here to "listen"

Shelli

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