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Question for those of us grieving....


KatieB

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I give into it for a while. Don't fight it, just let it all out then go for a walk and remember all of the reasons I am so lucky to have known all of the wonderful people in my life. I get sad but remembering the happy times sure does help. Somehow when I go out walking alone on a nice day I feel so close to Johnny. I can tell myself that even if I can't see him he is close.

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1) talking under the stars to Deb and God

A) My parents of course!!!!

B) My friends here of course!!!!!

2) My neighbors who I will miss so very much. Sheybon can light up a house with her 3 year old smile and a yell of "RANNNNNNY" whenever she sees me.

3) My mocha Pup.SHe is a snuggle pup who listens to everything

4) a dozen eggs and a fenced in back yard with woods behind me!!!!

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I like the egg and trees idea - maybe I'll go get a few dozen while I can still afford them.

Today I seem to be going backwards. Having a pretty good week until my office phone rang and it was my parents' number on the caller ID. For some reason I got the same "pit in the stomach" feeling that I would get when they would call in the last few weeks of Dad's life with a not so good update about one thing or another. Boy that was a sick feeling I had just now at first I thought "Oh God now what please no more bad news" - and then thought - oh - well that's over why am I anxious all of a sudden?

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For me (never really the glass if half full type of gal) I take great comfort in the way my mom's life ended. She was no longer responding to treatment and was going downhill ... yet she died without any great pain or suffering as she went quickly. She had just started to really not feel good and unable to do what she wanted and it really seems to me as though she picked her time and place. I feel very blessed by that.

I think of what she would be saying or thinking to me ... that would be "wish I could be there ... but since I can't, enjoy your life and your children and do NOT allow cancer and my death to take anything more from you". She's somewhere telling me "buck up girl".

I don't know if anyone else feels this ... but I knew her so well and was with her every step of the way. I know at the end she was getting really tired of fighting. So, I take comfort that nothing can hurt or anymore, no more procedures she didn't want to go through, no more hospitalizations ... kinda strange with the pessimist I typically tend to be.

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This has changed some as time has gone by. One important thing I've learned is to allow myself to be present in those times, don't try to force them back, don't tell myself I shouldn't be feeling any particular way. Let it come. It's valid and it's necessary.

And at times I felt like I was supressing things, I tried to "help" them out. For a couple months I set aside a particular time each week just to sit with it, look at photos, watch our videos, write, etc.

I've had enough phases of intense grief now to know that they will pass -- that's always hard at first, thinking that the intensity will never go away. I now know that with each especially difficult time, a little piece of the pain is left behind when I emerge from it.

Playing and cuddling with my dog, who is a constant reminder of Bill -- as they were best friends and both naughty!

Give myself space and time, but don't isolate. Seek out the people you love and enjoy being around.

Remembering Bill's wicked sense of humor and the wonderful times we had and just everything about him, and looking forward to seeing him again.

Come here and share.

And the last thing, which should have been the first thing, is pray, pray, pray.

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Music does a lot for me. Whatever I need, it is there: listening to Jimmy Buffet's "Breathe in, Breathe Out ,Move On," helps mellow me out. Driving blasting out My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade,"...even some good church songs, when I am open to that. I put on my iPod , switch on whatever music I'm in the mood for, and take a walk.

Not that I have done it lately, but I really do much better when I am doing some form of exercise. That physical exertion, and shutting my mind down flushes some of the negative energy away. Keeping busy helps--or delays---I'm not sure which.

Peace,

Kelly

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For me, it helps to keep super busy. I also send regular emails and phone calls to my BIL and nephew so they know I think of them all the time. But there is never a day that goes by when I don't think of all the wonderful times I shared with my sister. Ellie

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I am still trying to find a healthy way to grieve. If that makes sense.

I am working off the weight that I gained between my dad's diagnosis and his passing. Needless to say, food is my solace as well as cocktails.

Spending time with my mom and sister or cousins or boyfriend helps. When I am with them I even forget for a few minutes (sometimes :( ).

-Rochelle

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It depends on how bad I'm feeling. Sometimes I do one of these things, sometimes, when the sadness is overwhelming, I'll try all of these things.

1. head to the gym and take out anger/sadness on the evil elliptical machine

2. bake bread to energize myself for the evil elliptical machine

3. make soap (so I don't smell bad after the evil elliptical machine)

4. wallow on the couch eating raw chocolate chip cookie dough and watching HGTV for hours

5. blog, I get my feelings out about Mom AND the evil elliptical machine

6. call in reinforcements, ie. my friends, they either attack the elliptical machine with me or wallow with me on the couch eating cookie dough

7. shop, I do try to keep my retail therapy to useful things, like soap making supplies, bread making supplies, or stuff to wear when I visit the evil elliptical machine

8. cry a whole bunch

9. Snuggle with Chihuahua

I've learned to just embrace whatever emotions come my way. I try to give them an outlet and I try really hard to give them a healthy outlet. I do see a counselor which for me, validates that I am in fact experiencing normal feelings and that I'm not crazy. She also keeps me focused on developing positive coping mechanisms.

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I talk with those who knew Mom and share stories, usually the funny ones...the memories keep her close and it reminds me that she IS always there whenever I need to remember her.

I mow the lawn. First, it gives me the alone time I need to focus and talk to myself in my head, talk to God, talk to Mom...without feeling like a nut. Secondly...it was something Mom and I used to do together. We'd get on the mowers and have a ball mowing, chasing eachother around the yard, picking on who was doing a better job, etc.

I go swimming. Physical exercise...and something else that we used to do together. Now I take MY kids.

I write.

I sit in the dark and I cry when nothing else seemed to work...sometimes it takes the tears to get through to the next moment.

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Often times, it's reading this board. Reading the posts and taking comfort from everyone that understands where I am. And I haven't posted in months, but I continue to read it, and laugh and cry with everyone.

And honestly, other times it's avoiding this board. I feel so disloyal and weak saying that, like I can't always be there for everyone. But sometimes reading about more losses breaks my heart and saddens me even more...

I'm very blessed to have two sisters that I'm close to. I know I can sit down and e-mail them or call them and cry and they will get it. Sometimes that does help, just getting it out...

I don't really have an answer for you. I can't say I really have any way to make myself feel better when I am really down over my mom...I guess I know I have to endure it and come through on the other side, which I know HAS to happen b/c I'm responsible for three little lives, and their happiness. I have a husband and kids that love me unconditionally, I try to count my blessings - but God, I miss my mom. So very much. It's still physically painful to think about...

Hang in there, Katie. What you do on this website is a miracle to me. Your strength alone to be able to do all this is inspiring. Thank you...

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