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More Family Issues...

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Hi All,

I know that you all get tired of this.

I had a bad day today. No two ways about it.

I am having problems with my mother BIG TIME. Ever since she was diagnosed my mother does not want to deal with anything. My mother treats my dad very badly. Frankly, I am sick and tired of it. My dad is no angel but he does not deserve the treatment he gets from my mother.

Today my mother and I had a blow up. I know... Not a good thing because I just threw my hands up and went downstairs and crawled in bed for three hours. The last thing I said to her while in tears.. You don't know how many nights I have cried myself to sleep. My mother is not getting the message. She told the OT that my dad was my stressor. Actually, it is my mother and my brothers who are the stressors, especially the ones who don't live here. Mother accused me of being in denial... I was like What?? Guys, she told me that I was in denial about being helpful to my dad in hopes that he got better. Fact is... I know my dad is going to die from his cancer. That is a fact. Then I told her that I was very scared about losing her to cancer. She was like you have to be more positive about it. I really enjoyed having my feelings invalidated. I know where my anger is coming from... My mother. She has set different standards for my brothers and I. More is expected of me. I resent it.

I think that my mother wants me to take care of the house and her rather than my dad. I could care less about the house. No one helps me and she has not done anything to it for months. That was pretty evident when I dusted some stuff today. I do the laundry for four to seven people. It depends on what kids are here when. My philosophy is that if the stuff is not in the hamper, tough. I make a point to drag my clothes up from downstairs. The fact is he knew I was doing laundry last night and continued to mess around on the computer. My 46 year old brother can't drop his clothes in the hamper?? What the hell?? He can't keep his room clean. I am expected the vacuum it. If I don't do anything to my room, it just doesn't get done.

I saw my dad cry for the first time tonight. It's only the second time I have ever witnessed it. My heart broke. I told my mother about it and she did not care. I wanted to tell her off. My mother is a very selfish individual and I know where her youngest son gets it. They both think of themselves. It took me 44 years to realize it.

My two friends and I had a very long conversation on the phone... They told me that I need to leave for an unspecified time. We have a meeting with the social worker on Monday.

If it were not for this group and cancerforums.net and closest friends, I would be going out of my mind.

The cancer diagnoses have just excerbated the family issues. It's pretty sad when most of your family doesn't want to deal with it.

Kristi...... feeling angry and sad and everything else

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Kristi, I wish I could come and take you out of that house. I'd take you to my favorite spa for a manucure and pedicure and then I'd send you to a nice hotel with room srvice so that you could have some peace and have folks cook and do laundry for your for a change!

I guess the best I can offer is a cyber hug. ((((Kristi)))) I'm praying things get better for you.


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Your house would have to be a tough place to be right now. I can not imagine all of the emotions there must be there. Both parents with cancer. Husband and wife with cancer. I can understand how your Mother may feel hopeless right now. I think that may have a lot to do with the housework. I know when my sister found out she had cancer..the housework was the first to go, and she used to be an immaculate housekeeper. She became so depressed that she no longer cared about her house. I would go and clean it for her as often as I could. I am so glad that I did that.

I think you are taking on too much. I am sure you feel responsible..or maybe that if you don't do it..it won't get done. You have got to tell your family that it is wearing you down and that you need some help. Otherwise, you are going to end up resentful and that is not a good place to be. Not only that, but your parents don't need the extra burden of guilt.

It may be for the best for you to leave there for a while. Maybe go to a local church and talk to the priest or pastor and ask for help. There are a lot of people who want to help and do good things, but don't know who to help.

Not everyone can deal with being the caregiver. It is an awesome responsibility and it may just be too much for you to handle. Get some help and don't feel like you failed. It takes a perfect person to be the ONLY caregiver in your situation and we all know that no one is perfect.

I hope things get better.


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The most important thing - right now - is for you to take some time for yourself - away from his situation. You need a break - it is that simple - and there are plenty of other adults around who can help out. Meet with the social worker on Monday and then go - get together with friends or go on your own - but go - enjoy the summer weather - breathe.

I was a caregiver for my mom and there was a big blow up between the siblings - and it took years and years for us to all speak again - don't let that happen - do what you can and then walk away and let others take over while you regroup - because you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Prayers and hugs being sent your way


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I cannot fathom being a caregiver to 2 people with cancer!! What a load you have right now.

We have lots of grief in our family, too, so I understand what you are going through. BUT - you really do need to take care of yourself, too. Meet with the social worker, see if she can get you some help, or maybe she can talk to your siblings and convince them to help out a bit. Then - have some time for YOU. I know thats easier said than done, but you can't help anyone if you are this upset.

I am sending you lots of hugs and prayers for strength right now. Come here whenever you need to vent.

Hugs - Patti B.

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You NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. Get your self out of the house for the weekend. Stay at a friends house, even if its just overnigt. Dont let them (brothers, parents) guilt you into not leaving. You need it and deserve it. WHat hapend to the cleaning person. Did that fall through?


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From what you've posted, it is not clear to me that you and your mom have talked in depth about expectations. You write "I think that she..." but you need to find out what her real expectations are!

She may be selfish by nature, but she, too, has cancer and may want a little more attention. But you have to discuss it in depth with her. Your brother needs to be told what your responsibilities are, and let him decide from concrete choices what chores he will do.

You have to set boundaries, plain and simple. But remember, it is your parents' home, and ultimately, they call the shots. They are obviously ok with how your brothers live, so you decide how much you can cope with.

Maybe you should consider staying with friends on the weekend. You could pop in for a visit on Sat and/or Sun, but the weekend would be YOUR time.

Be firm, and include the family in the discussion.

Best wishes,


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I am going away for a few days. It's not my problem while I am gone. I am not calling while I am gone. If someone needs something, they can call me. If it is an emergency, I can be back home in two hours. I need a break!!!!!!!!!


I have told my mom what I want to focus on.... She has obviously not listened to me. I have tried to set boundaries and she said "Families do not set limits." I am burdened with a house that there is no way I can keep up with. Today I am tired because I have to share my bed with others. If people outside my family can recognize how overwhelmed I am... I think that my own family can even those who don't live here. I really hate the way my mom treats my dad. And I will be saying something to the social worker about it when she comes out tomorrow. I am tired of it. My family has fought me every step of the way. I am ready to throw it all in their laps for a few days. They get a taste of it while I am gone enjoying my well deserved break!!


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I am glad you got out of there for a few days. I think everyone in your house needed a break for a few days. You, from your situation and your family from you.

I hope things calm down some and everyone can get along with each other and focus on the fact that both of your parents are ill and need to be taken care of.

I can not imagine NOT being the caregiver for my parents, but I know I would have a lot of help. If I started to feel overwhelmed, I would make sure that someone would be there to help so I could get out of the situation.

The thought of BOTH parents having cancer is just mind blowing. You have to feel the weight of the world on you, but you have to be careful not to let your parents know that. It is your responsibility to care for them, as well as your brothers and if that means getting some help in there to give you a break, then that is what you need to do.

Take care of yourself, and have a great 4th.



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