MsC1210 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Hi... I figured I better start posting here before I get in trouble for being in the wrong spot on the forums. So.. here's the latest... I went and spent several hours with Mom and Jerry yesterday. Mom had the Hospice intake worker and the oxygen people scheduled to come in and she wanted me to be there to meet them. I really am very impressed with the Hospice worker. She was very warm, caring and just a pleasant lady to deal with. I have to say I was SHOCKED to see Jerry in as bad of shape as he is in and it hit me hard that Mom is in some very serious denial right now. I knew he was bad, how could he not be after all of the screw ups, all of the cancer in his body and all of the delays and other nonsense he's been through! He is so weak that he was in a recliner and had slipped down in the chair and could not even pull himself back to a comfortable position. He has no voice, speaks only in a whisper between the raspy rattling in his chest and even just sitting still he is short of breath. I am just heartbroken and so very, very sad. Anyway, I spoke with the Hospice lady, and she mentioned that Mom seems to be skirting reality a bit. I told her that I see that too and how surprised I was to see Jerry so bad. Mom had not quite been accurate in telling me how sick he is. Geri, the Hospice worker, told me that Jerry had actually checked himself out of the hospital. He apparently was not discharged as Mom had told me. And, Mom is telling everyone that he is going to be fine, he is on the chemo now at home (meaning the Tarceva) and that as long as he will eat and drink he will be just fine and this will all clear up and go away. Wow. Geri and I decided that for right now we will just let her go, this is her way of coping for the moment and she IS there and taking excellent care of him, so for now we will just leave this element alone. There is a registered nurse coming to evaluate Jerry and change the dressing on the bedsore and make sure his meds are ok and just do an overall check on him. I am not sure how often he/she will be coming in yet but it is a relief to know that someone will be keeping up with things. I have a list of the meds he is taking and OMG... it is 2 pages long! It seems that every med he gets needs another med to counteract the side effects. ugh... I am really sorry that this is so rambling and disjointed. I am still reeling from yesterday and trying to get my emotions in check and stop the memories of Brad from creeping back in. Not doing so well with any of this but I will somehow manage. I hate this so much. I keep hearing my grandmother saying God never gives us more than we can handle.. I am beginning to wonder about that.... Thanks for being here.. Love and hugs Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patti B Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 (((Chris))) I am so sorry. I was hoping things would be better once he got home. Sorry to hear they are not. You know you can call me anytime....................... (((Chris))) Hugs - Patti B. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shineladysue Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 (((Chris))), My heart really goes out to you. I'm so sorry Jerry is in such a weakened condition. I just have to believe if he is as you say he is, your mom knows. She's with him and caring for him so down deep she must know that he's in a very weakened state. Having hope isn't a bad thing and it helps us to get through and who knows , Jerry just may make a big come back . I've read some pretty miraculous stories on this board. Just know that my thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom and Jerry. Hugs, Sue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaroleHammett Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 MsC1210: ...Mom is in some very serious denial right now......for right now we will just let her go, this is her way of coping... Chris: I also experienced this at one point with one of my family members, and the hospice social worker was so good at helping me to understand that everyone has different coping skills, and that the best thing to do was to leave it be. I am so thankful for her input because my initial reaction was to want to "shake" the family member back into reality. I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you, especially the "deja vu" aspects of it, but you are clearly a strong woman and I cannot begin to express how much I admire you for all you do and have done--not just for your own loved ones, but for all of us here as well. Carole Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.--the late, great George Carlin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don M Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Chris, I hope hospice goes smoothly or all. Don M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Chris, I am so glad you like the hospice workers. Their job is also to be there for your mom and support her, so I hope that will help with the reality of it all. I hope all goes well and he gets settled in. Rochelle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bev'sSister Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I can remember my Mom when my sister was so sick. I thought she was in denial, but I think deep down she was just trying to minimize everything to protect everyone else. She did not want us to let Beverly know we were scared, so she always tried to keep hope in the picture. I, however, stayed in denial for a while..even after her death. I think it is the mind's way of protecting our heart. I hope things get better. Love Bobby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SandraL Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Hey Chris. Not a good day for you. I wish you the strength you need. Take care Sandra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 My heart is breaking for you. I am sending good vibes and love your way. I guess if skirting reality is her way to cope, then she needs to do it. I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Wow, Chris. It sounds like your mom is handling as much as she can deal with right now. Sometime denial helps us to keep functioning. She will need you when she can't deny reality any longer. Yo be there for her and we'll be here for you. Susan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LovesLife Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Chris - I am sorry that you had such a shock seeing Jerry. I have a story from the patient point of view. My sister-in-law passed away two years ago from lung cancer and up until shortly before she died she was telling people she was going to be just fine and that she would beat this. She outlived her expiry date given by the doctor by a good two years. When we visited her at the hospital towards the final months a nurse took me aside and said that they wanted to get a psych consult as they felt she was in denial. I told them that it wasn't hurting them at all and if that was the way Dawn needed to cope with what was happening, who were we to judge. You are right ... everyone deals with everything differently. We all have different coping mechanisms. I learned when I worked in the NICU for many years that you couldn't judge a person by how they coped with illness and tragedy ... it has so many varying degrees. Your mom likely knows in her heart what is what - maybe she just cant' go there right now and it is so good of you to let her get there on her own. This has been a terrifying ride of ups and downs and I really can't blame her for not wanting to face reality right at this moment. You are such a great daughter to just let her be for now. I am sorry that there are so many horrible memories attached with this for you. Lung cancer just sucks...it is unfair as you well know, and my heart aches for all of you. Sending you cyber hugs and keeping you all in my prayers. Hugs, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Posted July 8, 2008 Share Posted July 8, 2008 Jerry has left us,Please check post in Grieving. Thank You Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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