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Dreams and such


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Once in a while I dream about my mom. The dreams have changed since I first lost her. At first they were scary, very disturbing...then they turned into her being very far away, like the phone would ring and I would just hear static...then I moved on to dreams where she hugged me and responded to me when I told how much I love her and miss her. Now the dreams always involve her in the background, busily doing her mom things, cooking, gardening, preparing things for our family get togethers. There is never any acknowledgement of her illness, or why she is still here. She never speaks directly to me. I"m always sitting the dream thinking, this is isn't right, it's so wonderful that she's here, but I know this isn't true.

With all this awful stuff happening with my dad and moving his girlfriend into our lake house, I guess it finally culminated in my latest dream. I was at the lake, walking down the beach towards our house. I see Mom in the front yard of her beloved house, she's doing her lawn work, and it's not weird. I approach her and we start talking, she's not looking at me and still doing her work, telling me that Dad and that girlfriend of his are off on a trip for a few days and that is why she is here. She's fuming about how wrong Dad was that she is gone, and how dare he move this woman into her house, and that she beat this sickness and came back. Then we commiserate over Dad and fume together.

Suddenly, I acknowledge the wierdness and I say, "Mom, I watched you take your last breath, I went to your funeral, you didn't beat this illness" and of course I am crying. She finally looks up at me. I start to hug her really hard, just crying incoherantly, and she says, "No, no, don't be this way, I don't want you to be this way," and I look at her and smile and say, "No, it's okay, I love these dreams because I get to see you and spend time with you. I want them to go on forever." And I hug her again and I can SMELL her perfume and feel the feel of her skin and her hair, it's so real. And then the dream ends.

You would think after that dream I would feel like I got a message or feel better or something. Nope. I got in my car this morning, drove to the gym, heard that ridiculously sad and corny "Because You Loved Me" song by Celine Dion and cried my eyes out! I'm madder at my dad than ever.

Maybe I had this dream b/c our vacation, NOT at the lake, is approaching. I so long for that peaceful lakefront home and all the treasured memories of Mom it brings, there's no more beautiful place on earth to me. Looking at my mom's beautiful perrenials, feeling the breeze off the lake, hearing the leaves rustling and the bees softly buzzing, the waves lapping the shore. But not with my dad's girlfriend. Not with anyone other than my family...that is what the lake was meant to be. It was my mom's dream for our future.

It all just sucks, to be honest...

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Michelle, the whole lake house and Daddy-drama does suck and I am sorry you are dealing with that on top of losing your Mom. But the dream is beautiful and I wish I could talk to and hug my Mom once again.

I slept late a few days this week and had very disturbing dreams about my parents. :cry: So the last day I was off work I got up early and stayed up.

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You know, I wish I had words to help or comfort. I'm not real sure why I'm replying except to say I'm so sorry these things have happened with your dad and that you are hurt and angry and sad.....

I think maybe the vacation time is a trigger for all the feelings and hurt you've felt since your dad began seeing someone else.

I have the same types of dreams...in the beginning I was explaining to her what happened or how she died, I would be reliving the last hospital days, etc....then she would just "be" in my dreams. then I would fume and "tattle" on my siblings all the things they have done to me. My parents and I would fume together in those dreams.....and it always felt like such a release when I had one of them.

I'm the last person to give advice about repairing relationships with family. I was so incredibly hurt so many times over the entire first year my mom passed away that eventually it was easier for me to shut off everything and cut all ties as painful as that was. It is working for me, for now.

I guess all anyone can do is express how they feel and if the other person doesn't compromise or take feelings into consideration- then that is that. There's nothing more that can be done and you've known you tried your hardest.

Maybe we can have peace knowing that.

In the meantime, it's great to have our mom's in our dreams to "vent" all this angry stuff to. I hope that brings you some comfort.

Carole was right. Some parts of your dream do sound really beautiful. Maybe focus on that part.

(((hug))) You aren't alone.

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