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6 years of learning


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It is so hard to believe that it was six years ago today that I left California to go to Johnny in Washington and start my new life. I never dreamed that our beautiful life together would last just five short months and turn into a living nightmare the last two months of that time.

I knew even before I left to go to him that he was sick and there was the possibility that he had Lung Cancer. I was frightened but so full of love and expectations that I knew there was just no way I could lose him again.

Once we were together he seemed to start healing so quickly. He told me and everyone that my love was making him well. I still don't think he ever realized how much his love healed so many of the deep hurts of my life. People who saw us together thought we were an old married couple. They didn't believe us when we told them that we had only been together for a few days or weeks.

We only had five months together not counting the two times I had visited him in the months before, yet in those five months I knew more love than I ever thought possible. I also lived through more pain and heartache than I thought I could ever survive.

For two years, even longer I was just so lost. It took a lot of people and a lot of Faith and above all a lot of love to get me through those hard times. I began to realize that all of those years of feeling like something was missing from me was because Johnny and I were not together. I also began to realize that even without acknowledgeing our love or letting ourselves think about one another, our love was still there. It got us both through some very rough times in our lives.

Now afer six years I have learned so much more. There have been more losses, my ex husband and many friends and even clilents that I worked with. Each have left at least a small scar on my heart. I have faced long hours of work and times of lonliness. I have had to face many fears and always being short of money. Still despite all of that I know that I have survived and done so because of love.

Johnny may have left this world but his love didn't. I may not be able to see God but I know that He is there and here with me. After Johnny died I said a part of me was missing and in many ways it still is. I have just learned that when we were together he filled that empty space inside of me and even though he is not here physically any more his love is and that fills me up and makes me whole. I will never be the same person I was. I would never want to be.

There are still times that I feel cheated. There were so many things that other couples shared that we didn't have a chance to do. Still in some ways we had so much more. Our relationship was and is so intense. I still get angry sometimes remembering the injustice we both faced in the last weeks of his life. I just don't let it consume me anymore. I have come to reallize that hate and anger can't live in the same heart as love. I know that God is love and that Johnny's love is still here and I would never trade those to hold on to the anger.

I had to forgive many people encluding myself. It wasn't easy but I can feel again like that young girl who lost her heart to a man with dark thick hair a beautiful voice and eyes the color of golden honey.

So After six years instead of being sad I want to rejoice for tomorrow is my sixth "birthday" :!:

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Thoughts and Prayers and strength and courage!! losing a soulmate is devastating forever I think!!!

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Your writing is so lovely, Lily. You and Johnny shared a very special, if way too short, time together. I hope that someday I can be in a such a place of peace and acceptance that you seem to have found. I still have that "lost" feeling most of the time. It is not quite six months for me, it seems sometimes he has been gone much longer, but then why does it still hurt so much? Thank you for sharing your anniversary thoughts with us here.


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