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Not grieving enough?


Bettina

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I know grieving are individual, but sometimes i wonder.....

My mother passed away two months ago. Of course I cried a lot the first couple of days, but want back to normal quite fast.

At the funeral i wasn't able to cry anymore. Thought it was beautiful, but not sad.

The weeks after has been busy helping my dad sorting out papers, clothing and the usual things.

I have been fighting with her from start until her death. Been there at every scan, dr. app., chemo session, operation. My dad was in denial in 16 months, and just wanted to go to work instead. He's been reacting on another level: visiting her grave every day, crying a lot etc.

I feel the pressure was taken from my shoulder, and somehow relieved....At the same time i don't feel a need for visiting the grave, or crying. I keep telling myself its because I was there all the time, I knew this was going to happen, and i'm strong.

But is it the truth? Or am I just not grieving yet? I think this actually is a bit too "easy"

Please share your experiences with me :)

Brgds,

Bettina

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I did the exact same thing with my sister. I truly feel that I am still in denial. If I start thinking about her, I automatically stop my thought process and think about something else. I loved my sister so much..we were very close. At times, I will think about her and start to cry, but nothing like I expected to. I will not allow myself to even Miss her, although I know in my heart that I do. I haven't been back home, because usually I would stay at her house. Now I would stay at Mom and Dad's, but I think it would be too painful.

She has been gone since October 18, 2007. Not quite a year. I was told that the longer it is before I grieve properly, the harder it will be on me...but I don't know. I wonder too if it is because I am strong.

Bobby

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I think our mind has a strong sense of self preservation. The death of someone so close is a shock no matter how long you have anticipated it. We are never really prepared. It takes days sometimes weeks or even months before the reality really hits us. Oh we know the person is gone. We can feel the loss but there is that sense of unreality. We keep waiting for something to happen to change things and make them like they were. It is true that when that reality hits it is the hardest time a person grieving will face.

Sometimes I think that we move forward because we have a purpose to fulfill that no one else can. Right now your dad is incapable of doing all of the things that need to be done. You lost your mom. He lost his world. He needs you to do things for him but also to lean on. Be there for him and when the time is right your heart will grieve. You are not unfeeling nor are you extra strong. You are just who and what you need to be right now. You love for your mom and hers for you is holding you up.

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With my dad, I was so incredibly sad and felt defeated at first- but I had to still take care of my mom...there was a brand new baby and my son was just starting school....and I was starting the non profit LCSC, AND working full time too....my hands were busy...I didn't really grieve I don't think, heck I hardly had time to breathe......After 2 weeks, I went back to a normal routine and "acted" like everything was ok. I remember my husband saying I was the "strongest" person he knew...

Then when my mom died suddenly...I began grieving instantly...and soul-wretching, can not move-frozen in my loss and sadness- kind of grieving. It was horrible. I can't explain the physical and emotional pain were debilitaing....I realized later, that I wasn't just grieving for my mom- but I finally started really grieving for my dad too...like everything was magnified by 100. It was (and still is at times) extremely intense- especially during down time when I'm not focused on something and not keeping extremely busy.

I talked to a neighbor who never really grieved the loss of her mother until years later when she got a divorce. The pain of that loss- resurfaced the loss she felt when she lost her mom and she really had a time of it.

I think we are all different. Strong at certain times and not so much so at others.

I think whatever gets you thru the day- without harm to yourself or others- is normal for you. Don't be hard on yourself.

Sometimes you just have to go with whatever it is you are feeling and know that it doesn't mean you love that person any less because you aren't beside yourself in grief. You'll mourn your loss- your way.

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I think It may be that the reality is there but not the tears. Don't sweat it. One day youa re going to wake up adn want to scream at the world to go away and leave you all alone Cause You miss MOM. Be it a birthday or Thanksgiving or Just a day of the week. ANd it will hit you like a bat probably Hard and fast I believe! HAng in there just do what feels right every day. IOt does not mean you did not love your mom or that you don't miss her.

Everyone grieves differently!!!!!

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My Mom passed on 6/20-2 weeks ago-I feel like there is a huge loss/hole in my life but I haven't cried since the night she died and into the next day. I thought I would be a basket case @ the funeral but I wasn't. I cried when my brothers girlfriend read something that she wrote for my Mom-but more for my brother who was crying.

I keep trying to analyze-why am I not crying? I am not a big cryer to begin with and I too am a very strong person-I have always been the one to keep it together for everyone since my Mom got sick. I too was with my Mom for 22 months of appts, chemos, transfusions, etc...by her side through it all....

I am more sad that my Mom is going to miss out on seeing my children grow up-they were her world. I know my Mom is @ peace now from this horrible disease and I just have to be grateful for the time we had.

I think we grieve as differently as we are. Just go with what you are feeling and don't feel guilty about it. You can't make yourself cry.

Take Care of Yourself

Dar

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Bettina,

I think you may have been grieving the whole time...this is not to say you won't later. It may come in waves. It still does for me. But I do know that from the day mom was diagnosed I started grieving.

Sounds like your dad is experiencing it so differently because he didn't grieve at all until your mom's passing. And now it is hitting him hard.

But please keep in mind, it's tough, you'll experience ups and downs, even though today you feel one way...tomorrow may bring something else. And just let it happen. It's OK whatever and however you experience this.

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