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That day is fast approaching


teriw

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I'm not sure why I'm writing this -- just need to get it out, I guess.

Tomorrow marks the day that Bill went in the hospital last year, and the 16th will mark one year since he's been gone. The 17th would have been his 56th birthday.

This past week I either seem to be on Fast Forward or Stop -- nothing in between. I'm frantically cleaning things out and organizing -- as if I'm on some deadline, then I flop on the bed and sob or just shut down for a while. This is not like me. I'm exhausted when I go to bed, and exhausted when I wake up. I have that pit in the stomach once again. It's like the date itself is causing some anxiety. It's like if I don't reach the one year, then it won't be as true. I'm a firm believer in NOT wishing time away, but I'm wishing for the summer to be over this year.

I've been gathering some things to take to the kids and Bill's sister over in England (I leave on the 30th), and it's like seeing Bill's life gathered up in pictures, objects and documents. Report cards, baby pictures, passports, keys, clothes, etc. Everything but Bill. Bill could have a morbid sense of humor, and I remember him saying once, "oneday I'll be stuffed away in a chest somewhere." I hate that that seems partially true.

I am trying to detach from material objects, but that is hard. His once beautiful car is a money pit (older XJ6), and I know I need to sell it fast. Bill would be on my case about that, for sure. And I wonder what it will be like to drive home and not see it in my driveway. And that's just one change that really needs to be made.

Sorry for the downer -- feeling very sad today. Thankfully, I have my "G-Girls" tonight, which is what my widows group has called ourselves ("G" for "grief group"). And thankfully I have this board to "let it out" to. Thanks for listening.

Hugs to everyone hurting...

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Teri,

The days will pass and you'll get through them. Thankfully you have your G-Group. Let them be a comfort to you. Continue getting those things together for your trip. I have always so admired your faith that God will get you through these times. Rely on the Serenity Prayer. It works. Thinking about you. ((((((((((Teri)))))))))))))

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The first aniversary is a bad one. I think it is because up until then we have that feeling of unreality. We keep thinking it is a mistake or a nightmare and soon it will end. Once that one year mark is upon us we have to face reality and it isn't easy.

Give into the thoughts and feellings, cry and remember then once that day is past start thinking about how you will manage the next day then after that the next. Don't think about anything more than a few days at a time. It is so much easier if you say Bill is not here today than to say Bill will never be her again. It may be a cowardly way out but belileve me when I say it works.

As for the things of his that you worry about disposing of, you will know when the time is right. Don't worry about it. Just go from day to day. One day you will wake up and dicide today is the day. When that happens do what you have to do. Until then just understand that you don't have to do anything in a spacific time frame.

I wish there were more to offer you but unfortunately no one can get you through those aniversary days but you. Just know that you have a lot of friends who will be thinking of you and "holding your hand" from a distance.

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Oh Teri, I have never lost a spouse to death, but I have lost my parents, son, sister, uncle's, aunt's, and good friends and I just know how these memorial days run havoc on our emotions. (((((TERI)))))) The week before always seems the worst. It's a bumpy ride but you'll get through it. We're here to help you get through it too.

Please know your in my prayers and many of us will make sure that Bill's memory will not be forgotten.

I know for me, I just don't want people to write them off just because they aren't here. Silly, but that's just the way I feel. I want to keep their memory alive, it just helps me to get through.

Hang on tight, it's hard but it's doable.

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It's like the date itself is causing some anxiety.

It does. With the loss of anyone you love, those dates and memories solidify the loss and the absence of that person in your life. Staying busy helps...chances are you will run yourself ragged and have some good cries before the year mark comes and then it will be here and gone again....which will leave you with another host of aftermath emotions.

I'm glad you have your G-girls. They know exactly how you're feeling and what it's like to lose a spouse and I hope they have support and words to comfort you.

We are always here for you. I hope the next days pass softly for you.

(((teri)))

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(((Teri))),

You will be in my thoughts and prayers this week. Can't believe it has been a year. I know it must be so hard to gather Bill's things, especially with the intention of letting them go. I still haven't gone through many of Mike's things and it has been over 2 years. God Bless.

Hugs,

Sue

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We must be having the same type of week -- I have been having anxiety attacks and periods where I am just overwhelmed, then I go to frantic mode. I went to dinner last night with another woman that lost her husband and it helps to talk things out with someone else that is going through the same thing. I find many of my friends just expect that I'm past it and don't realize how hard it is to keep going on. It's good you have a grief group.

I just realized reading your post that John's diagnosis date went by and I never thought about it. It would have been his 6th year in June. I used to dread that day and wonder if we'd make it another year, and now I dread holidays and hitting that one year anniversary of his death.

Hang in there Terri--

Rochelle

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Thanks everyone. We're all going through so much.

This is a very weird experience. Different than my other major grief episodes, in that I feel very much like I'm dreading something. I understand there are things that change at the one year, but the major thing doesn't change -- Bill is no more gone or here at the one year -- yet, I have such a sense of dread. Something is about to happen. I'm now just accepting it as "it is what it is," and allowing myself to be in it. It's so uncomfortable.

I had a really hard time one day last week. I realized it was the day that Bill was hospitalized. Yet when I looked at the calendar, I saw that I was wrong -- I was one day early. Then just today I remembered that it's a leap year -- so actually it was one year the day I felt such a heaviness. Isn't that weird?

My good friend who lost her husband over 20 years ago told me how their cat pulled all of its hair out when her husband died. Then for some amount of years, did it on the anniversary. That tells me that something is happening to us all surrounding these dates that we perhaps don't even understand ourselves. I've had other days where I was just hit with grief, then realized it was an annivesary of an important date in Bill's illness.

OK -- here I go again. This too shall pass...hugs to everyone.

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Teri,

Wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts today. I'm sure this one is very, very difficult and quite unbelievable to reach this milestone. I'm glad you'll soon be visiting family again. Sending hugs, love, and hopes for a gentle day of remembrance of your dear Bill. He was quite the guy Teri.

Hugs,

Debi

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Teri,

I believe I understand the sadness that this time brings to you on the first anniversary of Bill's death. Today is my husband, Chuck's, 6 month anniversary and I am missing him so. It feels that the more time passes, the farther away he is from me and I don't want to let him get away. Yet I can't stop the time from passing.

I'm sure your trip to England will give you many conflicting emotions as well. More letting go, and that is so hard to do. The support of his family may make it easier, but there is no way to avoid the reason that you are there.

Thank you for always being so supportive to all on this site. I wish you some peaceful time among all the sad days.

Hugs,

Tk

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