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Approaching Three Years and Avoidance


Treebywater

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Next Friday it will be three years since I lost my Mom.

By some coincidence of the universe (or not) I'm actually going to be back at Dad's next week, staying in the room where she took her last breath (and I think to myself suddenly--PLEASE let this NOT be the visit where they've decided to change the curtains in there!). My Gramma is in failing health and I feel like I need to get there to see her. We were supposed to go this week, but the girls and I all got a really mean virus and we had to postpone. Thus meaning that we'll be there for "The Day." For a large part of "The Week."

I'm planning on doing my usual that day. Getting a some roses and milkshakes and taking them to a cancer center for the folks getting infusions. It's just that, this time it will be Mom's infusion center.

So all of that feels significant, but what really feels odd is the fact that I want to be so detached from it all this year. I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't know if it is healing or denial. I am leaning closer to denial, though I know that in some ways it's healthy not to dwell on these things.

With the circumstances, I almost feel like it's survival to not "go there" too much. To be IN the house with Dad and his wife back to see the scorchy grass of July in Illinois, to feel the heat, and to hear the Cicadas singing like I did that year, and that week.

I keep thinking about it and retreating. The last two years I obsessively went over again and again every little moment that I could remember. I catalogued and re-catalogued every instant. I refelt every feeling.

This year, I can't. I don't want to. It hurts too badly and I can't afford to hurt that badly. It feels like avoidance and survival. But I don't know if it's healthy or harmful for me.

Regardless, I'll do the best I can. I trust that God will lead me into the feelings I need to feel and support me in them. And I trust that the week will be what it is. About Mom, and about the life that is in front of me now.

It just feels really weird this year.

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(((Val))),

I hope that somehow, in some way this year will be easier than you anticipated. It has to get better, right? I think it would be hard to stay in the room where your mom passed away, but in some way perhaps it will comfort you. So sorry to hear about your "Gramma". Hope you have a good visit with her . You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Sue

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I'm sorry about your gramma...I'll keep her and you in my prayers. I think i am an expert at avoidance of feelings- filling spaces with other things so that I don't have too much down time to think or really feel the depth of things....but it always catches me...even after months of emotionally running away....it will built up and crash into me in waves...like a post that Teri made about how maybe subconsciously we are aware of certain dates and the dread and sadness and anxiety seem to overwhelm us even as we are thinking we are doing "fine"...I get that too....

I can't imagine being back in that room or dealing with the emotions of a parent and their new spouse...I hope that the visit is a wonderful and peaceful one and that you spend alot of quality time with those you love. I also hope that the anticipation of the year mark is worse than the actual anniversary will be....it always is for me...

I will be thinking about you and your family next week and sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts.

(((hugs)))

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