Didn't just "lose" my Mom...

[kamataca]

I don't know if any of you have experienced this. I have recently come to the conclusion that I didn't just "lose" my Mom a year ago (an odd expression if I've ever heard it, but I digress)...I think I got lost along the way myself.

My birthday was last month. My husband asked me to make the traditional birthday list, but I couldn't think of a single thing to put down. What do I enjoy? What do I do? Surely I am a person with interests....this didn't use to be so hard. I think that I spent two years putting so much love and energy into being Mom's caregiver, and when that was taken away, so was a big part of who I am. I am still a wife, and a mom, and a teacher....but if you peel those layers away, I don't know what is left. I have no more 'roots'--no mom or dad, no grandparents.

Maybe I've forced myself to be numb for so long to dull the pain, I lost whatever was there in the first place. I really am at a loss. Recently I sent an email to a friend, updated her on all the kids' activities, and what was going on with my DH. She asked what was going on with ME---I don't know.

Ben Folds has a great song called "The Best Imitation of Myself"---I think that is how I have been living the past year. Has anyone else gone through this? Am I ahead of the curve on my mid-life crisis (I really think I'm too young for that )? I'm not sure how to get back to being "me".

Thanks for listening.

[dchurchi]

As I just recently lost Alan, I too feel lost as to who I am at this moment. I gave up all my own activities (very willingly and would do so again in a heartbeat) to care for Alan these past 3 years, that to just pick up and get "my life" back seems almost impossible. I feel so lost.

[Maryanne]

Me & my sister were both caretakers to my mom for 6 years but she did not have an illiness just broke a hip and was in a wheelchair. And we did not lose her to long illness.

But the hurt of her not being around anymore took a long time for me to feel whole again but never completely. I am fortunate that I have a very close relationship with my sister and btother, so we have each other to lean on if needed.

My mom passed three years agon at 12.02 in the morning on June 28th. We were all with her at the hospital.

It had been three years and I actually worke up crying from some dream this year and when I looked at the clock it was 12.02 and the day of her passing. I was a mess all day from that.

My heart goes out to you as I know how close you wee to her. Your famly has its own roots and you are bless with them. Take everyday as being a blessing you have each other to hold and love.

Your parents will always live on through you and the wonderful memeories you have of them.

Peace be with you my friend,

Maryanne

[MomsGirl]

I too get where you are coming from. A big part of "me" was my mom. She was my rock, my conscience, my confidant on many things, the first person I would pick up the phone and call in a crisis and most importantly, the only person in the world who knew me inside and out, and loved me completely, 100% unconditionally. She knew me before I was even born.

I know that's probably not what you were referring to in your post, and I definitely relate to what you said, and what Katie said. I have started to try to do things for "me" lately, and I've started going to the gym, and next weekend I have a girls' dinner/overnight with my college friends. I also am going to a counselor next week - I finally picked up the phone and called her, because I need someone objective to tell me I'm not unreasonable and insane when it comes to my dad and the grief he is bringing back to the surface over losing Mom...

We are women without moms, we are moms without moms, we are wives without moms, and in some ways we are that little girl that just wants her mom and that love and validation that comes with it....

[blueeye]

I too "get it". I am still trying to redefine my life. Who am I now? What do I want to be now?? I don't have any answers, I just wanted to tell you that I understand.

May we all find peace,

Leslie

[shellit74]

I can completely understand how you all are felling. I have spent the better part of the last 7 years in a grieving , worrying or anxiety state. When I was in college about 8 years ago, i read something in my Psyc class about not having to many life changing things happen to you in a certain period of time, so its too stressful.... I had this, 1, graduated from college. 2. moved to new city. 3. started new job. 4. got engaged. 5 switched jobs. 6. My Grandmother Died. (this is year one) and then shortly after.. 7. got married. 8 moved to new apt. 9. got pregnant 10. had a baby.

I had a tad bit of normal for about 6mo, then we 11. bought a house in the spring... had a good summmer and then Dec 23rd found out Dad had prostate cancer, Dad had surgery in Jan 05.. everything was gonna be fine and then in May he was diagnoised with SCLC. Starting in June I began looking for a way to move my family back home. Finally got me and Anna here end of Nov and then hubby in Feb 06. (oh yea that whole past year I was trying to get pregnant with no luck after many fetritlity treatments)

So after moving back home, it was taking care of Dad (got pregnat finally) buying a house starting a new job and they cycle continues...

Now that Dad has passed, I feel like I am somewhere thats not normal... i feel like i have no identiy for me, Who am I other than a wife and a mother?????

Sorry to ramble on, my point was that I get it too..

I hope we all can find ourselves somewhere in this mess!

Shelli