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And so life does go on... for me


deb10653

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Dave has been gone just over two weeks and the pain is pretty unbearable at times but at other times the relief that he is no longer suffering is stronger. I feel guilty at times that I am relieved, the feeling of not worrying, constantly worrying is no longer with me, do any of you know what I mean? Today I went shopping, really shopping for the first time since early March, it was a quick trip to get a nephew's birthday present but it was a bit unnerving after so long of being mostly trapped in this house or at Hospice house. I know my "new normal" is starting and I have a ton of adjusting to do, logically I know that the day will come when this ache is not the first thing I feel always and that I will not cry myself to sleep. I try to be grateful and thankful that I had such a wonderful marriage and we had so many wonderful memories, so many do not have as much time as we did or share as much, yet I feel robbed and angry also. Not having children makes this harder but to have "survivors" would be a poor reason and we actually discussed that twenty-five years ago, his daughter is as distant as ever and has made up a life with her dad that never existed in order to escape the guilt. I learned a lot on the cancer journey with Dave, I met some very compassionate and caring people and now know how to recognize an overly aggressive doctor and how to handle that situation should it arise again. I learned about hospice and will be forever grateful for their caring ways the last few days, his pain was so unbearable and so hard to watch but perhaps God's way of making the letting go easier on me. I am not sure why I returned here, this board answered so many questions for me and helped me feel not so alone, now I truly am alone and I know I will survive and that Dave is watching me as I go on this journey without him. Thank you to all of you that shared a part of this journey with me.

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Deb-

I am so truly sorry that you have to go through this.

I do hope however, that you will continue to come here - you have lots to offer others here and you are now a part of our family and we would like to know how you are doing.

Hugs - Patti B.

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(((Deb)))

Everything is so fresh and new. Each day is different and brings a different memory, emotion, etc. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The first weeks and months can be quite a blur, as there is still shock. Be aware of that and take it easy on yourself. You'll have different needs at different times, and that's perfectly normal and ok. There are many people here who understand, so I encourage you to return.

Hugs,

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I'm so sorry for your pain. There will be ups and downs and all kinds of emotions as you begin this journey into grieving and life without him. We understand, and we will be here for you.

I hope for gentler days ahead for you.

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Deb,

I am so sad you have to go through this pain, as you've been told, take it easy on yourself, you will be on this rollercoaster for awhile. It is a comfort that our loved ones are out of pain, now ours really begins.

My heart to yours, (((Deb)))

Barb

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