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Made it Through Year 1


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The days I've been dreading have come and gone, and we are now two days into "Year 2" of losing Bill. His birthday dinner went very well. It turned into a semi-party atmosphere, which isn't really what I had planned, but I think Bill would have liked that. He always said, "I want people to have a party when I'm gone." I started a project that night of video taping people telling their "Bill stories," with the idea of editing them all together for a gift for my step-kids (and other family members -- and myself). There are so many stories! Everyone has a different perspective, which I love.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but something does feel different -- there is something to this "1 year mark" thing. Maybe it's just that the most significant anniversary has passed. But I find myself sighing -- there's a quiet, heavy sadness -- the "it's real" sinking in that much deeper. Somehow there was this weird fantasy that if we just got through the first year, everything would come back to normal and we'd have our old life back. Of course, that's not true and it's time to stop looking for it. And for the first time when we say, "a year ago..." Bill won't have been here. That's hard. And although I have a lot of things I feel I need to do and even want to do, I have a strong "what now?" feeling. A pressure and a desire to get back into life again, etc., but no clue how that works!

I know so many understand. Wishing you all moments of peace.

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" And for the first time when we say, "a year ago..." Bill won't have been here. That's hard."

Teri, I hadn't thought of that before reading your post. I'm glad to hear you made it through the dinner, and that your guests had stories to tell. That must have been comforting.

Here's hoping this next year is gentler for you.

Barb

PS my son shares a birthday with a very much loved man :) July 17th he turned 26

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Hi Teri,

It's unbelievable that a year has passed already.

I've thought of you often, wondering how you were doing.

You spoke of a deep heavy sadness, and I understand that too well. It's a feeling that you can't describe to people that have never been thru this.

I keep expecting Harry to drive up , come in the house, and ask "What's for dinner"?

I've asked a couple of other's what they think we will be like in 10 years... We all hope the same, as in "normal", but I'm not sure we'll ever be our "old selves" again.

Take care of yourself. Know I think of you often.

Nova

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Oh I remember that one year mark. Things were different after that but in many ways they were worse. I finally had to admit that it was real and I couldn't go back. I kept thinking there was an answer and if I could only find it I could go back and change things and Johnny would still be with me. Once I passed that one year mark I had to admit that t he reality was that Johnny was gone, that part of my life was over and a large part of me was gone as well. I finally had to accept that the nightmare I was living was my new reality and I had to find a way to live with it. I hope so much that it is easier for you.

I still hold on to special things that were Johnny's or things we shared together. Yesterday I watched the vidio I have of him and still after nearly 6 years it seems impossible that someone so vibrant and full of life could no longer be alive. I know that he didn't just cease to exist. He is still around somewhere and once in a while I feel him , just not as often as I did at first but then I guess as much as I still need him it is nothing like the need I had when he was first gone from me.

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Bless your heart Teri,

The party was a great idea, I know he was just beaming hearing all those stories. You are such a special lady which I can tell as you have so much love around you.

Take care...

Maryanne

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It is so sad having tomark the years of sadness I think but it is good that we loved before rather than never to have loved if that makes sense.. :?

Thoughts and prayers and peace and tranquility Teri.

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Teri, I totally get the one year mark reality thing. It's so true...

I loved hearing about your dinner turning into a celebration, and the videotaping is brilliant. How wonderful it must have been to hear the shared stories and to laugh and cry over Bill's wonderful-ness...

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