florida drivers

[David A]

THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS

>> > > >

>> > > > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to

>> > > > report that her car has been broken into. She is

>> > > > hysterical as she explains her situation to the

>> > > > dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering

>> > > > wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she

>> > > > cried.

>> > > >

>> > > > The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on

>> > > > the way."

>> > > >

>> > > > A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

>> > > > "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back-seat by

>> > > > mistake.

>> > > >

>> > > > _______ ________________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > FAMILY

>> > > >

>> > > > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house

>> > > > together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She

>> > > > puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other

>> > > > sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

>> > > >

>> > > > The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come

>> > > > up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses

>> > > > "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

>> > > >

>> > > > The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table

>> > > > having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her

>> > > > head and says, "I sure hope I never get that

>> > > > forgetful."

>> > > >

>> > > > She knocks on wood for good measure. She then

>> > > > yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as

>> > > > I see who's at the door."

>> > > >

>> > > > _______________________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

>> > > >

>> > > > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were

>> > > > playing golf one fine March day.

>> > > >

>> > > > One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

>> > > >

>> > > > "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

>> > > >

>> > > > And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a

>> > > > beer."

>> > > >

>> > > > ___________ ____________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > A little old lady was running up and down the halls

>> > > > in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up

>> > > > the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She

>> > > > walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping

>> > > > her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

>> > > >

>> > > > He sat silently for a moment or two and finally

>> > > > answered, "I'll take the soup.

>> > > >

>> > > > __________ _____________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > ROMANCE

>> > > >

>> > > > An older couple were lying in bed one night. The

>> > > > husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a

>> > > > romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used

>> > > > to hold my hand when we were courting."

>> > > >

>> > > > Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a

>> > > > second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments

>> > > > later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

>> > > >

>> > > > Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck

>> > > > on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty

>> > > > seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my

>> > > > neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got

>> > > > out of bed.

>> > > >

>> > > > "Where are you going?" she asked.

>> > > >

>> > > > "To get my teeth!"

>> > > >

>> > > > ____________ ___________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

>> > > >

>> > > > 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the

>> > > > retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the

>> > > > air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in

>> > > > my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

>> > > >

>> > > > An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An

>> > > > elephant?"

>> > > >

>> > > > Bessie thinks a minute and says,"Close enough."

>> > > >

>> > > > _________ ______________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > OLD FRIENDS

>> > > >

>> > > > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.

>> > > > Over the years,they had shared all kinds of

>> > > > activities and adventures. Lately, their activities

>> > > > had been limited to meeting a few times a week to

>> > > > play cards.

>> > > >

>> > > > One day, they were playing cards when one looked at

>> > > > the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know

>> > > > we've been friends for a long time ...but I just

>> > > > can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,

>> > > > but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your

>> > > > name is."

>> > > >

>> > > > Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes

>> > > > she just stared and glared at her.

>> > > >

>> > > > Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

>> > > >

>> > > > ________ _______________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > SENIOR DRIVING

>> > > >

>> > > > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his

>> > > > car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice

>> > > > urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the

>> > > > news that there's a car going the wrong way on

>> > > > Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

>> > > >

>> > > > "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's

>> > > > hundreds of them!"

>> > > >

>> > > > _______ ________________________________

>> > > >

>> > > > DRIVING

>> > > >

>> > > > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -

>> > > > both could barely see over the dashboard. As they

>> > > > were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

>> > > > The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

>> > > >

>> > > > The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I

>> > > > must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went

>> > > > through a red light".

>> > > >

>> > > > After a few more minutes,they came to another

>> > > > intersection and the light was red again. Again, they

>> > > > went right through. The woman in the passenger seat

>> > > > was almost sure that the light had been red but was

>> > > > really concerned that she was losing it.

>> > > >

>> > > > She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close

>> > > > attention to the road and the next intersection. At

>> > > > the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

>> > > > and they went on through.

>> > > >

>> > > > So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred,

>> > > > did you know that we just ran through three red

>> > > > lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

>> > > >

>> > > > Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

>> >

>> >