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Been Thinkin'


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Just passing over Bill's 1-year mark has been forcing me to really evaluate my own life. I have some vague ideas of changes I would like to make, and know some changes I absolutely must make. I feel like I'm living a couples life as a solo person at the moment, and I know that needs to change. Not sure how yet. And I'm not talking about romantic relationships -- just everyday life.

I was wondering if anyone had made a big change in their life after losing their loved one? Perhaps following a dream you had together. Or finally taking a risk to pursue a passion. Or moving somewhere you always wanted to live. Or adopting a child. I don't know -- the subject really has no limits.

Anyone care to share?

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Hi Teri,

I am coming up on the 9th month mark since my Jack passed away on the 13th. I guess one dream that we had that I will be fulfilling is I am going to Hawaii the end of March. We always dreamed of going and after Jack died I decided if I was ever going to go, that I had better get with it. I have a friend who was my travel buddy before Jack and I married and she and I are going. I am really excited about it but it will be bittersweet in many ways since I will not be experiencing it with the love of my life. It is something to look forward to and to plan. It is still not easy without Jack. In ways it almost seems harder at times since the numbness of those first months has worn off and the reality has set in. I am "muddling through" as the saying goes and putting one foot in front of the other with a few backslides.

I hope you are doing well too.


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I always wanted to live in a neighborhood instead of out in the sticks. I moved closer to the high school for my kids in a neighborhood, but have never sold the old place. I've been feeling a lot of guilt, doubts and second-thoughts, etc. Charlie would have been the voice of reason that I no longer have...didn't mean to make this a downer.

Anyway, I always wanted to live in a neighborhood and now I do.

Also, want to go back to our favorite Caribbean island sometime.

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does planning a cruise count?? My friend who is a travel agent has worked out a group deal for 5 day cruise throughout the mexico region in Jan so.... I am gonna suck it up and plan on going Good Lord willing and the creeks don't rise. The only scary part is we leave for florida around the three year mark. It is however 6 months away so............

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It all counts, Randy! I definitely think planning a cruise/vacation is big thing, and that Deb would be proud of you. So is moving, Tammy. I think you were smart to keep the old place, especially since you're wondering about it now. You'll know when you're ready. Shirley, have a great time in Hawaii. I understand about the steps forward and back -- I'm living that constantly. I think it's wonderful that you're going. I found nine months to be especially difficult. A major time of reality setting in.

We talked about something in my grief group one night recently. How we're all starting to take little steps (emphsis on "little") to live "as if our husband is not coming back." That's monumental to me, because half of the time I still believe Bill is coming back. But I know what Bill wanted -- he wanted me to "choose life," as they say. He fought so hard for his. And now I feel I'm fighting for mine, but the one I'm battling against is myself. Taking these steps -- whatever they are -- are each victories in that battle, I think.

I was reading the story of David's life in the Bible. I can't quote the exact verse, but there is a time when his infant son dies. He said something like, "I will go to him one day, but he will not come back to me." That has hit me since I read it weeks ago.

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I made many changes in a short time after losing Johnny. I had already been through a divorce a little over a year earlier then I had little choice but to move away from the place where Johnny and I had shared those few precious months of our life together. It took me over a year to finally realize that I needed something just for me.

I had enough money left so that when I moved up here to Northern California I could take that time away from work. I needed time, time to learn who I am. I spent 8 months just getting to know myself. I went back over my whole life. I relived all of the pains and all of the joys. It took a long time but as I got to know myself better I felt a closer relationship with God. I had my ups and downs and still do but I will always believe that just being for a while, getting in touch with myself and getting to see and know the woman that Johnny saw and loved so much is what kept me from going over the edge. That along with all of the support I got from all of the wonderful people here on this board.

It certainly helped that I had such a wild and beautiful place to spend those months of meditation, and I know that through all of that time God was guiding and protecting me and somewhere nearby my Johnny was cheering me on.

I have made many changes sense then. I have had many firsts, done things that I never dreamed I could do on my own. Sometimes when I have to do something and am unsure of myself I get upset but later reallize that each little tihing is another step in the direction I need to go.

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