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Two Years Today


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Dear Mom,

I can't believe it's been two years since I last saw you, held you, told you I loved you and told you goodbye. Since I walked out of that hospice center room and left part of my heart and my soul behind. Sometimes it seems like 100 years ago.

As I entered year two of this sad journey, I stopped expecting you to walk through the door...stopped picking up the phone to call you...stopped looking for birthday cards in the mailbox...stopped expecting to see your smiling face and to hear you cheering at preschool graduations, soccer and baseball games...I faced the reality that I would never see you again in this lifetime. It was and is a cold reality, and sometimes I wonder if I will be able to think of it without the great stab of pain and regret that hits me every time...

I've floated along, trying to find my bearings in a world without my anchor, without the person who knew me best, loved me unconditionally, always lent an ear and a shoulder when I was in the depths of despair or just needed some reassurance and loving advice. I'm redefining who I am, struggling to get through trying times without you in my world. Eternally wondering why your life was taken when you long ago had secured your place in Heaven, and had earned a long, long life.

And...I try to experience the same joy I felt with my children when you were in this world...when I was able to share these amazing little creatures with you, knowing the fierce love you felt for them from the minute you saw them enter this world (with tears of happiness rolling down your face). I miss the constant sharing of every little thing they said or did...you knew all of their stories, their little quirks, their fears, their joys. They are so grown now, Mom, such a big difference from being 5 and 3 to now 7 and 5. And though I keep you alive in their minds by talking about you every day, deep down I know they have forgotten. That their memories of you are the stories that Mommy has put in their heads...because they were too young when they lost you, just too young. I compare it to the tragedy of Alzheimer's...because when they DID know you, you were their world, their true love...but now that memory is gone. And little Conor, now almost 21 months old...well, I have to believe he knew you when he was inside me, that between the time you went to Heaven and he was born, in those three months you two were soulmates, right? You took care of him until he was delivered safely to me. How he has missed out, though...not having your love. They all have. I hold them all close and thank God for them every day, you taught me what being a Mom is all about.

I went to the cemetery today with my older sister - and my younger sister called me from the lake house. Dad had left for the week to go home, so she walked down the road from her house with your new granddaughter, and together they stood on your dock and threw rose petals into the water. She said the waves washed them up onto the rocks, and that the shore in front of your house was lined with brightly colored petals. She said it was a beautiful. I got tearful imagining it.

Even my "crying" songs have changed...it used to be "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McClachlan (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c) and now it's "I Will Remember You" ("http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=dHm1el3Sze8&feature=related) These beautiful songs are like markers on the road of this journey - and they reflect my evolving grief...though no less potent, it's just different as time passes. Even today I have withheld my tears until now, until I started writing all this, and now I can barely see though them to finish.

So, Mom, I can only pray that you are happy, at peace and with those you love that have passed on before you. And that you are watching over us, sharing our joys and sorrows. As always, I will eternally keep your memory and your love of us alive, and I will strive to be as wonderful of a mother, sister and friend as you were to all who loved you so dearly.

I love you, my beautiful Mommy.

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