Emotional upheavals- depression- how do I DEAL?

[mariannebreathes]

Hi everyone,

My life has drastically changed during the last 4 months since dx- but it seems that it is just catching up with me. Ever since the first or second week of July, I cannot stop crying. I am sleeping more and more , feeling more chest and back pain and SOB as time goes by. I was a wreck by 7/11 and went to the Onc for blood work thinking I was anemic- and maybe that was the cause of everything. They said my counts are super low but manageable and maybe I would consider an anti- depressant? I BULKED at that........and I don't know why. I have been on meds for depression before. But this time it seemed different. I am a true mess and rarely stop crying now - to the point I am SICK OF MYSELF.

I had a scan 7/31 and the results seemed so ambigous compared to my last scan (on 6/12) and the shrinkage so small that they measured it out this time (the past few scans did not show measurements ) - something like 4.6 cm shrunk to 4.2 cm.

Maybe I was so upbeat and hopeful because I spent the last several months in denial? Maybe I am going through the menopause the doctors warned about?

I am on a waiting list for a Christian counseling center but in the mean time..........

I am asking you good people to share some of your "coping skills" for your low points...and has medication been helpful to you?

Please tell me I can get past this - I am actually pretty healthy physically but slowly dying emotionally. I feel like I am failing GOD, my child and my family and I don't want to throw this "pity party" anymore. What happened to the "real me'? where I am I ?

Thank you so much for letting me have a place to ramble

Marianne

[Patti B]

(((((Marrianne))))

I am so sorry you feel this way. Believe me, we all have bouts of depression. I tried an anti-depressant but then found it hard to function during the day altho I am sure there are others out there. Please consider that option.

How do I cope with all of this????? I am a stubborn person and I have to tell you, I hate f'ing cancer so much that I refuse to let it get the best of me. I am feeling pretty good and continue to do everything I want to do because I will NOT let it get the best of me. I refuse to let the cancer win!!! I just keep telling myself that I will function as a (somewhat) normal person. The cancer can die, I will not - at least for a long time!! I have a son whom I have set a goal for that I will see him graduate in 3 years. And damned if I won't!!!

If you can't get into the Christian counseling session too soon, is there another one you can go to??? Anyone at all you can talk to - a social worker at your cancer clinic maybe?? A close friend maybe ( I find sometimes talking to a friend easier than talking to my husband as he is in denial).

Don't know if any of this helped. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you begin to feel better.

Hugs - Patti B.

[Larry's Wife]

Marianne, I really don't know much, but I do know for a FACT that you are NOT failing God. Consider the anti-depressants. From what little I know about depression, your physical symptoms sound classic. You have so many things going on right now. Anti-depressants might just get you over the hump while you are waiting for the counsellor. You need to use whatever will help you.

[Muriel]

My coping strategy includes an anti-depression med. It's very effective and I'm not in a daze, too sleepy, or anything else. I'm certainly not against counseling, but what is it that you think counseling can do for you?

Muriel

[mariannebreathes]

I want to thank all of you that have replied and I am sorry I wrote such a depressing post. I WILL call Monday at the Oncology Office and ask the P.A. to call in the script for Effexor?

At the worst I could always quit taking it - if it didn't agree with me.

As far as the question - what would counseling do for me?

.....it really helped me deal with postpartum depression. The Cognitive Behavior Therapy was something I Could hold on to and I was hoping to find something like that again.

Or maybe Ii just want someone to talk to------I sincerely see less than 2 people a month besides my immediate family and Healthcare professionals. I don't have anyone to talk to or listen to. So thank you all for listening to me-----reading my posts.

Bless you all,

marianne

[beatlemike]

Hi Marianne,I think depression and cancer go hand in hand.You have been thru alot both physically and mentally and sometimes it is very hard to cope.After my surgery and chemo I started getting so I was crying all the time also.I was worrying about all the "what ifs" and everything else.I finally got back on the lexapro that my onco prescriped for me in the beginning that I didnt think I needed.It made a world of differance for me.I still have my bad days but I am able to laugh again also and I try to enjoy each day to the best of my ability.I hope and pray the best for you.Do you have a local cancer support group in your area? That may help you also.

[Connie B]

Dear Marianne,

My dear friend, this IS a depressing disease! Please PLEASE don't EVER be sorry for sharing your feelings. That's what we are here for. There are no books that teach us how to live through cancer treatments and all the ups and downs of it. IT SUCKS my dear! Your NORMAL! We have ALL been there, those of us living this disease.

We're here to get you through the tough times. This is NOT a cake walk, this is cancer and it sucks! BUT, we do get through these rough spots.

I am going to PM you my phone number. Please feel free to call me or if you want me to call you I will do that too. Either way, works for me. Talking this through really does help.

All your fears are REAL and we have ALL had them and sometimes STILL DO!!! ((((((((((MARIANNE))))))))))))))))))

Drugs DO help us through the rough spots also. I think the depression is the worst part of this journey. But I mean it when I say, "Your Not Alone!"

We're here for you.

[Muriel]

Marianne, I think you've made a good decision to call the Onc. As you said, if this doesn't help you, or if you don't like the meds, you can always quit. If the first drug prescribed doesn't work (and some take a while), call the Onc and ask if you should be trying a different med.

As for the counseling, of course it's a good idea. I did want you to think out what your expectations were for it. You've done that - probably long ago - and I think counseling could help you. I'm certainly not an expert on it tho. Do remember that if the first counselor isn't helpful, you should keep looking. It's like picking a doctor. You aren't sure the one you've selected is the best one for you and if he/she isn't you move on to another one.

Good luck. Let us know how things are going. I think Connie B is wonderful. Send her your phone number in a PM.

Muriel

[Don M]

Marianne:

Lexapro and xanax helped me. Last January it got to the point that I cared more about getting rid of the awful feelings of depression and anxiety than I cared about having cancer in the first place. It also helped me to keep busy with little projects and walking helped.

I hope you find some relief.

Don M

[carolhg]

Marianne,

A diagnosis of lung cancer is certainly depressing! I had to finally give in and take an antidepressant for a while because everything just felt too overwhelming to me. Do not put yourself down. You need that strength to help you fight this awful disease.

Prayers

Carol

[jaminkw]

Marianne, Sorry I missed your earlier posts. As a retired mental health counselor, I admit I started my practice being quite anti-medication. In time, however, I came to really appreciate times when they are critical to a person being able to move forward in their own best interest. I also came to believe that we are genetically predisposed to either anxiety or depression and some people both. I took Avitan for anxiety for quite awhile after my dx (I am not prone to continued ongoing depression) but only at the insistence of my RN daughter and RN sister. I now take it on occasion just because I think I need to at the time. I urge you to try antidepressants and if you've taken one that has worked in the past, start there.

The kind of isolation you describe, Marianne, is something I am familiar with. My husband and I moved to Key West over twenty years ago. But due to the fact that many friends have left the area or died and because I worked the last ten years in a very isolating profession, lonliness is a real problem. A counselor could fill that gap and at the same time help you explore ways to expand your social contacts. Believe me, I know it's not easy. I've tried and failed in a lot of efforts to alleviate lonliness but am still trying and feeling better every day. If you can't find a christian counselor, see if you can get a referral to someone good. I can remember occasions when people where "stuck" coming to me because they couldn't find a christian counselor. My answer to them was, a skilled counselor can go wherever you need to go.

My heart goes out to you and I admire you for your recent bounce back. Please pm me if you would like more contact.

Judy in Key West

[MarGre]

Marianne,

I noticed in your second post you mention you see few people outside your family. I too found my social circle and activities greatly shrunk, and I started to get "cabin fever".

It was depressing to sit in the house all day so I make myself get out at least several times a week. I volunteer at the local library (shelving) and even though I can only do about 15 minutes without needing a break, it really helps my perspective.

I agree with those who recommend the anti-depressents. I've taken them and had no problems so hopefully they work for you. (effexor) It is very hard not to get down when one thinks about what we are dealing with but I look at it this way; as long as I feel decent I want to enjoy life and depression takes that enjoyment away from you.

Don't apologize for a depressing post. Call it a "reality post". A lot of us feel we have to be upbeat and strong all the time - that takes a toll. We need to express those negative feelings sometimes.

Hoping you find peace and relief soon,

Marcia

[RandyW]

Ya want ot know how I coped with everything and still do occasionally?? I take my fave beverage (Sometimes Alcohol but more often than not, not alcohol) and i go outside at nite and talk to god. Just pull up a chair and turn off the lights. Kick back and get comfy and have a long chat. He can hear every word that you say! He may not answer but looking up at the stars it is reassuring to know he is really listening! YOu can say anything youy like and if Ya get mad apologize before You go inside when you are done, Cause Ya don't want god to be mad for yelling and fussing Ya know!!??

THats just my advice and from a caregivers standpoint who has been all the way through this fight it has and still does sometimes work for me.

Oh and saw the cutese fattest little Bunny in my front yard this morning so doing good today!!!

[Connie B]

Boy Marcia, you sure said a mouthful there! To often we shut down and we all put so much energy into NOT LETTING OTHERS (family/friends) see our fears, anger & our sadness. Be the clown, put the happy face on, be strong. Well......................... Somedays that's just not how we feel and that's OKAY!!!! Thanks Marcia for making mention of this issue.

"MarGre"]Marianne,

Don't apologize for a depressing post. Call it a "reality post". A lot of us feel we have to be upbeat and strong all the time - that takes a toll. We need to express those negative feelings sometimes.

Hoping you find peace and relief soon,

Marcia

[Yorktown Linda]

Marianne,

I'm no expert but If I were you I'd stay away from Effexor. Before my diagnosis, I was on a very low dose Effexor for hot flashes. At time of my diagnosis, I found myself so removed from my reality that I did not even cry until after I weaned myself from the Effexor. I have since done some reading on the web and it seems that Effexor is a very hard drug to come off of once you've been on it for a while.

Both my mother and daughter have had very good results from Lexapro and I think that's what I'll try if I decide to use an anti-depressant.

If pain is a problem, Cymbalta is supposed to help with pain as well as depression. Wellbutrin is used to help people stop smoking (if you do) as well as acting as a anti-depressant.

My onc has givine me Ativan which is an anti-anxiety med like Xanax but it also helps with nausea from chemo. He says it's a great drug. He has also prescribed Lunesta for the hot flashes. Works great and it's a sleeping pill, so I'm sleeping well too.

Certainly some things you may wish to discuss with your doctor.

As for living, cancer is depressing! No way around it. Recently had to put my dog to sleep and found myself dreaming about that happening to me.

Some days I seem more focused on dying than living. This happens mostly on the days I can't or don't work. I have to force myself to get out and do something, anything! Reading helps too -- especially rereading books I know and love and know that won't just upset me more.

Linda

[SandraL]

Yes of course you can get past this Marianne. I feel very fortunate not to have suffered from depression although I do suffer from major anxiety mostly leading up to and getting scan results. I do know what depression feels like though and it can be worse than cancer. So please seek whatever help you need to get through it. We all need to do whatever we can to get through this the best way we can and make everyday count. I hope you feel better soon.

Sandra

[chloesmom]

The emotional upheaval was the most difficult thing for me to deal with throughout all those initial months after diagnosis. I was already on a small dose of Effexor because I was taking tamoxifen to try to fend off a recurrence of breast cancer and, since it blocks estrogen to breast tissue, hormone imbalances were causing me hot flashes. Effexor actually helps alleviate hot flashes and mood swings associated with hormone imbalance.

At the lung cancer diagnosis, I started seeing a therapist and took a higher dose of effexor along with an anti-anxiety medication. For about a year, I had regular visits with her and continued with the drugs. The anxiety was manageable for the most part, and I gradually reduced my dosage of the effexor until I wasn't taking any. I think the key is to gradually taper off because when I did that, I didn't suffer any ill effects.

I still have a lot of anxiety around scan time, and I have xanax around for that. This time, though, I didn't actually take any. I just felt better knowing it was available.

As for being spaced out, I really didn't have that feeling from effexor. I continued to work full time thoughout diagnosis and treatment. But, there are many, many effective anti-depressants out there, so if one doesn't work, give another one a try, with the help of your doctor.

I certainly don't regret taking medication to help me though a totally understandably rough time.

Cindy

[CaroleHammett]

Marianne.

First of all, it seems to me that the only way one can be dx'd with lung cancer and NOT get depressed would be if one is in total denial.

Secondly, meds aren't the only solution, although in my case, initially, anxiety (as vs. depression) was my main problem, for which I took diazepam (Valium) and later lorazepam (Ativan?).

My depression has remained light and sporadic, for which I credit several courses of action I took:

1. In 10/07 I began seeing a mental health therapist weekly, and I found that just having someone "neutral" to whom I could spew out my feelings has helped greatly.

2. My mental health therapist recommended both (a) 45 minutes of sunlight daily; and ( as much walking (exercise) as I could handle (there are a number of studies that show that both sunlight (Vitamin D) and exercise act as antidepressants).

I realize that it's difficult for many of us to get either due to health reasons. In my case, sunlight proved somewhat difficult during the winter months in Colorado due to cold, snow, etc., but I tried to spend 45 mins. daily in a rocker by my front room window (which gets good morning sunlight). According to at least one study, even if the sun hits an area of your skin that's only the size of a quarter, it will provide you with sufficient Vitamin D to ward off both depression and insomnia.*

* In 08/07, I suffered a Prednisone-induced psychotic episode, for which I took nothing because the Prednisone had actually induced insomnia, which in turn induced the psychosis. My doc put me on Restoril for sleep and in 10/07 I also began getting regular acupuncture treatments, which I believe helped more than the Restoril.

I was also walking at least an hour a day until 08/07 when I suffered my first Prednisone-induced stress fracture. After the second fracture in 10/07, my doc ordered physical therapy and the PT created special warm water pool therapy exercises for me that I could do in my hot tub. I've been doing those daily (with rare exceptions) ever since, and credit them with not only mood elevation, but also my general overall feeling of good health (miraculously good health considering my condition and prognosis).

I'm not saying that any of the above will work, Marianne... just throwing out some other possible options that "might" be of help.

My best to you.

Affectionately,

Carole

[jaminkw]

I agree with Carole on the matter of trying a number of things until you find things that work for you when you suffer from mood disturbances. I have a firm belief that most times when we are suffering psychologically, there is seldom one single reason for the problem or one majic bullet to fix it. Even cancer can have multiple underlying reasons for depression; i.e. fear of dying, worry about those we will leave behind, will I suffer etc etc.

I certainly agree it can be a great time to connect with or reconnect with a therapist. I said earlier I used Ativan regularly early on and periodically now. I believe in sun or light therapy (not a problem in Key West) and exercise (I do it regularly). Although like Carole, my depression is usually sporadic and short-lived, it's not always light. When something big like cancer really gets me, I might do all of the above and try to add doing stuff that's fun. For me that might be working with my orchids, shopping and or having lunch with a friend, and the big gun is planning and looking forward to a trip. Doesn't have to be a long trip, just to the mainland is fine. It also doesn't have to be any closer than a few months away. The fun is going on the net and checking out place to go/stay and, bottom line,looking forward.

Hope we all can benefit from the things others share here because it's really a shared problem.

Judy in Key West