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I tried to go back to work today...


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...and I went, but I couldn't stay. Didn't get even one single thing done. So I left there and went to the funeral home and settled up the bill. I'll try again tomorrow.

I have found myself progressively more emotional over the last three days. I haven't really cried yet. Yes, some misting, but not those heart-shattering, gut-wrenching, mind-blowing, oh-so-cleansing sobbing tears. I've been telling myself that I want to do that in private. So as to not scare anyone. I'm just fooling myself, though. It's only me who doesn't want to scare myself. So I must let it go. But I've been keeping it in for so long, I'm not sure I know how to let it go anymore.

And how can I be a mother and a father to an almost-15-year-old boy? I couldn't talk him into going out for football this year. There are so many good reasons for him to do this. But I can't force him. So I must let it go. Please, Lord. Help me to pick my battles wisely.

I registered him for school today. It broke my heart. Father? Deceased.

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(((Lynn))),

Bless your heart, I do understand. This is all so new and it takes time, lots of time. Don't worry about when you will cry, it will just happen . Early in my grief, everything still seemed kind of surreal and reality hit in bits and pieces. It's different for everyone, but the same in some ways too. Above all, be patient with yourself . There are too many of us who understand and we will be here to try to help you even if all we can do is listen. Get those feelings out, it helps. One day at a time... like Randy says..

Hugs,

Sue

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I haven't been in your shoes but I do understand loss and grief. Sue is right, it's so different and for some of us it comes in waves and spurts and there isn't a time table for when we feel what.

Sometimes it's better to take things in bits and pieces- then you've gotten thru the day, then a day becomes a week. Then before you know it you are planning ahead again and proud of yourself for what you've been able to do.

You'll get thru it your way and we will all be here for you to lean on.

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Hi Lynn,

I know too well what you are going through, although not exactly as Alan and I had no children. I just went back to work today, but I took 5 weeks off after Alan died before I even attempted going back. It was slow going, but I made it through. Please take more time if you can. The hard part for me was coming home to an EMPTY house. No one to tell about how my day went. As for crying, for me I NEVER know when the tear storms are going to hit, but I no longer fight them. I honestly do not care what other people think. They have no idea what I am going through.

Please send me a PM if you want and maybe we can help each other through this unwanted journey. I will keep you and your son in my prayers.

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I cried reading your post. As a mom and a wife I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I pray that you find some peace in the days ahead, and some release - you will let it go when the time comes, and you will not be able to predict when...

Put your arms around your precious son and love him as hard as you can...I know at 15 that may be easier said than done, but don't give him a choice! :wink:

(((LYNN))))

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I'm sorry. I can understand the work situation. I still haven't gone and applied for a job.

Our sons sound quite alike.

Mine (Jacob) is 15. He's played f-ball since he was 5 years old. He skipped last year to spend time with his dad. He was going to skip this season too, but the Coach called and talked to him. He asked him to just come to a few practices, and if he didn't feel like playing, that was okay.So far he's sticking with it.

Do you know the coach for your son's team? Maybe it would help if he could talk to him.

I wish I knew the answer for you, as to how we're supposed to be a mother and father both to these boys, but I don't know. Just love them extra, I guess.

You're in my thoughts.

Nova

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Well, I took Tuesday off. By Wednesday morning, I was feeling much more centered, so I worked Wednesday and today. I'm planning on going in from now on. I work at such a unique place (a Christian school), I think I am better off there than stewing at home. And these last two days have been really good. So, I think I am ready. But they are still letting me come and go as I please. So, if I need to leave early or come in late, no problem for them.

Today we did contract signing for the new year. They tried to give me a raise. I told them to keep it this year. They are already providing more help in my office than I have ever received. And I don't know that I am going to be at full strength for awhile, so I would just as soon not accept a raise at this time. They actually thanked me. And they told me how much they appreciate me. And they told me how much they love me.

Now, I ask you, what other employer would let you take off for 6 months and still wrap you up in a whole bunch of love and offer you a raise? Yep. God knew what He was doing when He put me there!

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(((Lynn)))

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. All of the ladies in my grief group have children at home, so although I don't have that experience, I've listened to what they're dealing with. It's so tough all around.

I'm so pleased for you that your employer loves you and will let you take things as you need to. That will make all the difference in the world, I can assure you. If you can work in such a way that you still have some time to yourself, that will help.

It's very early days still. The tears will come.

Hugs,

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Yes Lynn, God knew what he was doing when he placed you at at the school. I too, was extremely fortunate as I didn't have to go back to work right away.

I would say - Be very kind to yourself. Don't force yourself to do anything. When others pressure you to do or not to do...don't listen - but wait for God's still voice inside you.

He alone knows what is best for you - along with yourself.

I would strongly urge anyone in the early days of grieving...to just give sway to the grief and do what you have to do for yourself.

It's amazing how in our American culture - well intentioned people will tell you to pick yourself up by the boot straps and get on with life.

It will come - but give yourself the time you need!

Hugs -

Shannon

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