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unhelpful sibling


blueeye

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I know this is a common theme here, but I have to vent. I just got back from working at my parents' house. I cleaned out 6 garbage bags of trash including under the bathroom sinks--which I had been avoiding. That included lots of medicinal stuff from Daddy's sink we used to take care of him. And under Mom's sink was her makeup, curlers, curling irons and stuff like that. So much HER. I still have one bag of her most recent make up to go through. And lots of more stuff to clean out before we can sell the place.

I am just so aggrevated at my brother. He lives 5 hours from here but has only been down once since Mom died and that was to get her car on New Year's Day. I was working so he conveniently didn't have to deal with me at the same time. He has never once asked about remaining medical bills or even her headstone/marker. I know that this is probably his way of dealing with it, but he has lots of family to support him and I have no one--except a few friends at work. I guess I shouldn't be surprised--he didn't help when they were alive, why would I expect him to help now?

This is what I do on my days off. What does my brother do? :(

Thanks for listening...

Leslie

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Leslie,

I am so sorry about this situation. Sadly, yes, lots of us do relate and understand what you are going through.

I don't have any brilliant advice other than, your parents know.. and they appreciate everything you have done and continue to do and they are with you always... Probably does not help but take heart in knowing YOU are doing the right things now as you did all along.

Lots of hugs

Chris

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I SO get it....and it really doesn't help to be grieving and to feel this resentment and anger too....in fact, it makes the grief much worse...

I'm sorry that your brother is the way he is. I think our brothers were switched at birth and they (mine and yours) are related to each other.

((Sorry)) I know it was so hard for you being there and going thru all those things. I hope things get gentler for you soon. You ARE a wonderful daughter to your parents. Remember that.

(((hugs)))

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Leslie

Write the email and send it to yourself! It might help just to get all of that out in the open even if it is only for yourself! I journaled for a long, long time after Brad died and WOW, letting all of those ugly feelings out was really a good thing!

Hugs..

Chris

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Leslie-

Well, after last nights chat, I know you know of my sibling problem. There always seems to be at least one in each family. My brother is my rock, and I told you about my deadbeat sister. Don't understand why they do these things - is it denial or is it just something in their makeup that makes them act the way they do.

Maybe once Bruce and I build that ark we can put them all on it and send them somewhere :shock: . In the meantime, know that others "get it" and are sending you strength and prayers.

Hugs - Patti B.

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I agree with sending the e-mail to yourself. Seriously- take it from someone who wrote those e-mails to my brother and sister trying to explain RATIONAL thoughts and feelings only to have them turned on me and backfire.

You can't make irrational people understand.

The only person you have control of is you and how you react to things.

Little tidbit I learned in therapy. Breath in, breath out...concentrate on you and know that you have done and are doing all the right things.

Keep us posted sweetie. I hope things get better.

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Maybe I will write him but not send it. I feel like I shouldn't HAVE to write him and tell him all these things. His wife came down a few months ago and I tried to talk to her and her head is in the sand too. But now she wants my help on his 40th birthday party and I didn't even get a card for my 35th b-day.

Actually Katie, our brothers could be related. :) Mine was adopted at birth but recently found his birth parents.

And Patti--if we put him on an ark he would just organize everyone into some kind of good will mission expedition and be the great guy eveyone thinks he is. That is another thing that drives me crazy. He is an overachieving standout at work and in the national guard but can't reach out to me or his sick parents. Go figure.

I'm breathing in and out....

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Maybe you should email him and ask him for help. Point blank tell him what you need him to do. One thing about the Army, it's all about following orders. Maybe he lacks direction on his own...

I wouldn't be accusatory in tone, just ask for his help on whatever day and time with an alternative date/time and see what comes of it. I'm convinced, some people go through life and NEVER get a clue....

Good luck!

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Leslie,

People like your brother may be excused that they just can't "handle it". But the realist in my just bristles at that.

All I know for sure is that each person has their own breaking point. Some people are weaker emotionally than others...some are just plain more selfish!

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know this. It's not worth the effort to dwell on it. You can only change your attitude about a situation...more often than not you can't change the situation because you can't change the people involved.

Hugs to you dear...I am alone (I'm an only child) and all this ugly stuff falls on me so I do understand.

Shannon

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Well, heck. I'm not even dead yet, but I can already relate! :lol:

Seriously, since my dx, I have watched various of my family members go off in completely different directions in terms of how they handled the news. There are some whom I am just dying (pun intended) to choke, but I keep telling myself they can't help it (and also keep trying to convince myself that this is a legitimate excuse).

I have absolutely no advice for you at all, Leslie, other than to take the advice of the others who have posted here who have been in your shoes.

What I can and do give you, however, is huge hugs and sympathy.

With much affection,

Carole

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