Mom's Birthday Tomorrow

[momma'sgirl]

I used to post a lot on this site under another username when my Mom was struggling to survive her lung cancer. I took care of her and bathed her and held her hand when the pain was so bad. After she lost her battle, I kind of dropped off because it was so painful to read everyone's posts. I never forgot everyone and would peep in occasionally to see how everyone was doing. As another marker comes up, her birthday, I decided to come back on to try to find someone who also understands what I feel.

It seems like my family has such an easier time dealing with the loss of Mom. I don't know if it's because I was her only daughter and I was closer to her than my brothers? I miss her each and every day. At the oddest moments, I remember these goofy things. Like her yelling for me to get her something, or when I would get in trouble as a kid, or my college graduation and the look on her face when I got that diploma. Mostly, I miss our lunch and movie dates, or just being.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I miss her so much. She would be 56. She's been gone two and a half years already and I can still remember exactly what she said the last time I saw her and I can still sometimes hear her voice or what it felt like for her to hug me. I think in some way she knew she would leave us that night. She said she was proud of me and I was a good daughter with such love on her face. She was the best person I've ever known. She was a teacher, like me, and she had such a capacity for love that I've never seen in another person.

I don't know why I'm missing her so much right now. It seems that it should be easier to mark these anniversaries....and some days it's ok. Maybe it because I just marked my 30th birthday and I hate that she's gone. It's not fair that she's not here. I went to the cemetary the other day. She's buried out of state so I don't get there as much as I'd like. I had a bench made in her memory with a plaque on it in honor of her birthday. I'd like to think that she's watching over us all.

Two weeks ago my brother and his wife had Mom's third grandchild and I just burst into tears when I saw him because she would have loved that little baby so much. I know she's looking down on that sweetheart and smiling....she should be here for these moments....

[Newbride]

Momma's girl,

I don't know how I would feel in your shoes.

I know my father died last February at age 93. I had a lot of years to prepare for that and I knew that it had to come someday. Yet on his birthday - May 1, I cried for 15 minutes straight. Then I dried my tears and went and did something.

My daughter lost her father (my husband) when she was only 27 years old. She still isn't over her father's death. She was much closer to him than to me at that point, and she not only lost her father, she lost her best friend.

She lost him, just as you lost your mother, too soon. We expect to bury our parents but not until we ourselves are middle age or even senior citizens. We want them with us for the milestones of our lives.

It's only been two and a half years. Grief takes time. Each day it should get easier, if it doesn't you may need help. Of course, there will always be moments when the pain stabs you in the gut, taking your breath away - when you least expect it...but they come further apart.

There are just some people in our lifes, our parents, our children, our spouses, that we will never really "get over". They were too much a part of ourselves to ever NOT feel the gapping hole in our heart.

Hugs to you momma's girl....I am a 56 year old mom and I know your mom wants you to be happy and to not grieve too deeply.

Shannon

[blueeye]

Hugs to you. I also took care of my Mom and she was my best friend. I understand and I wish you peace and comfort--always.

Leslie

[crystleshoe]

I understand how you are feeling. I also have times when I will remember something and it will just make me ball my eyes out. There have been a few times when I have had to pull over on the side of the road cuz I couldnt see to drive. I am also out of state and only get to the cemetary every few months or so. My sister actually lives within walking distance and cant seem to make it there to water the flowers that I bring. I also feel like everyone else in my family has had an easier time dealing with my moms death and they all seem to be ok and I feel like my whole life has been stopped and I dont know who I am and where I belong. Everthing just seems to be "wrong". I guess we wouldnt feel this pain so deeply if we didnt love them so deeply. Like you I kinda dropped off here because i found it too painful and I have been crying enuff so I try to avoid it. Hang in there and stay stong. Being a mom myself I know thats what I would want my daughter to do. Just know that you are not alone.

[RandyW]

I understand your pain. Even though Deb is buried locally something I did was to download Google Earth and mark her grave as a favorite marker. When i feel down and out I turn on the computer and go there if I do not want to go out. Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

[momma'sgirl]

Thank you to all who replied. You really have helped me. Things are better today. I guess I wll always have these weeks that pop up out of nowhere when I just miss her like crazy. I know one thing for sure...I don't think that I'll ever miss her more than I do right now.

THANK YOU