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Funny - but has some potty humor


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To those of you who have had a colonoscopy you will enjoy this and to those who have not yet experienced the procedure....enjoy!

Subject: Colonoscopy Journal

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist

for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to

make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later,

in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the

colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the

place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a

thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded

thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,

because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO


I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and

a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes

in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will

discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to

say that we must never allow it to fall into the

hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting

around being nervous. Then, on the day before my

colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my

instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all

I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only

with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the

MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a

one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm

water. (For those unfamiliar wit h the metric system, a

liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the

whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep

tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat

spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by

somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you

drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This

is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,

you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too

graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle

launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with

you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the

commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty

much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must

be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of

MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your

bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food

that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was

very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,

but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of

MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on

Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like

that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that

I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the

forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other

colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained

space and took off my clothes and put on one of those

hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind

that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked

than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein

in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but

Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie

also told me that some people put vodka in their

MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't though of

this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got

yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were

staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no

choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the

procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an

anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but

I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was

seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on

my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking

something up to the needle in my hand. There was music

playing in the room, and I realized that the song was

'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all

the songs that could be playing during this particular

procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere

behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the

moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you

are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell

you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,

Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the

tambourine' and the next mom ent, I was back in the other

room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking

down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I

felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all

over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

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Crack-U-Up Doctor Joke

A gastrointestinal nursery rhyme:

Mary had a little watch

She swallowed it one day.

She started taking laxatives

To pass the time away.

The laxatives they did not work

The watch it did not pass.

So if you want to know what time it is,

Just look up Mary’s father

(who also has a watch).

~ Special thanks to Linda Boyd LPN, Chesapeake VA

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