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Hard to move forward


dscherer

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Well, the day I have been dreading has come. I have wanted to update all on my mom for a while now but the news has been tough. She has become so weak and having trouble gettting around. She has been using a cane or walker. She had a PET scan last Wed and when we went to the Dr on Friday he sent us immediately for a emergency MRI of the spine. He said her symtoms concerned him. They found a met on her spinal cord and said had we not caught it, it would have paralized her within a week or so. SO she was admitted into the hospital and started radiation which seems to be helping.

While that is good news, we met with her Dr yesterday to see what would be next and we talked about quality of life. I t was a great discussion between my mom, dad and I and the Dr but so very difficult. She stated her goal is one more holiday with her family. The Dr said he would do anything he could to help her achieve this but her cancer has become so aggressive. Her blood counts are low and they have a difficult time rebuilding. So we will see where she is at next Friday to see if her body can even handle a little chemo to try and to get her through the holidays.

We want to respect any choice she makes at this stage. SO we may be having the holidays early. We want her not only to be here but feel good enough to enjoy it. TOugh decisions to make.

She has come to a real peace with this. My dad also seems to be finding comfort but I just can't. I can't imagine life with out my mom. I am her only daughter and I don't have extended family. She is everything to me. I have children and I can't let this paralize me but it seems so hard to keep moving forward. I am aware that standing still isn't stopping what is to come but I am not yet ready for the next step. How do you take that next step when you know what that brings you closer to?

Don't get me wrong, I will enjoy every moment I can with my mom. I have been blessed with almost two extra years. This gave us time to really enjoy each other. I have dedicated myself to her and I am so happy I did. I have no regrets I know she knows exactly how I feel about her. This time has been a blessing. It is the future that scares me. How will I go on when she isn't here? I just don't know?

Thank you for listening,

Dana

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((((Dana))))

I am so very sorry to read this update. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your Mom is so very lucky to have a daughter like you and I am so glad you have had this wonderful time together.

Take things as they come now and cherish every moment......

Many hugs

Christine

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I remember the grief before the grief. It is hard because you know things are changing and you don't want them to.

I too am my mother's only child. I was very devoted and feared life without her like you wouldn't believe.

The hope I'd impart to you is you will move forward through these days with her and the days (which are hopefully far off) without her, because that is what we do.

But she will never feel distant from you, her place in your heart is hers forever.

Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer my mother be here with me. I sure could use her presence every single day. But I now move though life with her on my mind and my heart until I see her again. In the mean time I try to bring the bests part of her out of me as often as I can.

Enjoy your days...As my mom said, "don't live every day like it is your last, live it like it is your first." Enjoy the day not in desperation but in the joy and wonder you would have as if this were the first.

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Oh, Dana. My heart is breaking. What a lovely thing to do for your mom, having the holidays early if needs must. Your gentle heart, your compassion and your respect for your mom's wishes is a testimony that speaks volumes. These very qualities are what will help you to keep placing one foot in front of the other.

Nick's words about the grief before the grief are very wise, indeed. I believe that experiencing that grief helps ease us into acceptance, just when our loved one needs that gift from us.

Prayers and (((big hugs))) for you.

Lynn

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Dana,

I lost my mother long before I was old enough to have conscious memory of her so I can't say I know how you feel. The responses of those who posted before me, however, speak eloquently to you from a perspective of experience. I hope you can find some comfort in their words. My heart goes out to you and coming from a family who has celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas on any old day we could all get together, go for it.

My best to you and your family, Judy in Key West

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Remember yesterday, Cherish today, and Pray for tomorrow! Thats my words of wisdom!!! Hugs and Prayers for you and thefamily Dana. I know how very hard this is right now!!

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This will be my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother. I am the oldest of two. I made sure last Christmas everyone was all together, my kids and my grandchildren so they could be with my mother. I knew in my heart already that it would be her last. I know the grief that you are feeling. Just enjoy each day as if they were all Christmas. That way, they will each be a blessing. I will send all the extra strength and prayers I have toward you.

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Dana, I too am very sorry to read this update. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You've gotten some great advice above....I can't add anything better than that but wanted to let you know I care and I am here for you.

Hugs to you,

Leslie

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Dana,

I'm so sorry and boy I do understand. Other's have posted some really wonderful words of advice and support. The only thing I can add is to not be anywhere but in the moment.

While the reality of what's actually happening now and what the future may be like can feel suffocating and frightening, you can handle this in small bits- you've been doing it for 2 years and you are stronger than you even know. You will be able to do this, one moment, one MINute at a time if necessary.

As for "after"- whenever that may be and I hope it's a long ways off...you will handle that too- you are your mother's daughter- you will bring forward what she's taught you and her memories in your heart to share with those you love. Warm memories will get you thru the worst times and the support of your family and friends will get you thru the hard times. Again, you are stronger than you even know.

Enjoy these days with your mom and family. I hope they are long and full of wonderful memories. You are such a wonderful daughter- her absence one day won't change that or erase the life you've shared together.

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