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Celebrity rehab

Nick C

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I don't think anyone here is holding onto a serious coke habit as a result of their lovedone's passing, but one of the girls on celebrity rehab said, if she broke her habit and moved forward she felt *ss though this was not honoring her mother's memory. If the pain isn't so bad that she needs to drown it in substance, then she felt as though that was an outward expression of not loving her mom.

It was interesting and I wonder how many of us continue to "hurt outwardly" to show our loved ones we have not forgotten them.

I will confess, I have felt this way. I don't have any substance issues, but from time to time I know I have not lived life to the fullest, because someone whose mom meant so much to then couldn't possibly ever bring themselves to be 100% ever again. And I feel guilt if I do begin to feel 100%.

Has anyone ever felt this way?

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Yes! Especially during the holidays. Christmas was so special to mom. She really went all out. She loved to spoil the kids and was the light of the holiday. It is so hard to get excited about it now. Part of me just wants to skip Christmas because it was so much about mom and like you said, I feel like if I enjoy it I am forgetting her or getting over it somehow. Christmas will never be the same but I know I have to make it special for the kids and for myself too. I know Mom would want that.

I also have also found that I am very distant with my mother-in-law. We have never really been close but I find myself especially distant with her now. I feel like I can't let myself get close to her because she isn't Mom. I feel bad about it but I can't get past it either. I don't want to have that relationship with anyone else. I had a mom and now she is gone. That relationship is gone. I know it isn't right and it certainly isn't fair to my mother-in-law who is just trying so hard to reach out. Don't get me wrong I am still nice to her and we get along fine. But sometimes when she is reaching out or trying to give me "motherly" advice I just shut down inside. I don't want to hear it and I don't want to go there. It feels like a betrayal to me.

I am sure our loved ones would not want us to feel guilty about living life. In fact I think they would most likely want us to live life to the fullest every day. For some reason it is very hard to let go and do just that.

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Your post really caught my attention and I happened to see that particular clip from the celeb rehab show last night. It may just be the time of the year (being the upcoming 3 year anniversary of Bill's death) or simply the Holidays; but I've been thinking so much about our last 18 months together and figured I would throw this question out there on the back of your post. I recall that while Bill was battling his cancer, I always felt the need to be strong and in the company of all of our loved ones, I was ALMOST always keeping a strong front and making comments like, "We will beat this". Everyone was always telling me how strong I was and one evening after Bill was asleep I remember getting very nervous and thinking to myself that if I never break down in front of Bill, will he die wondering if I really loved him? Will he think that my lack of tears in his presence somehow equates to my lack of love for him? I felt caught between a rock and a hard spot, do I cry or do I stay strong? In the end, nature took it's course and the river of tears were unstoppable, but even today, as I have recently remarried and am finding happiness again, I still find myself feeling pangs of guilt for not still living in the deep and darks throws of my intense grief.

Anyway, thank you Nick for your post...it really brings me back to some much needed time to reflect and remember. All my prayers to everyone this Holiday season!

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