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Ann


lilyjohn

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I just want to let Ann know that I am thinking about her. Deceber 15th is the 6th aniversary of her loss of Dennis. I know too she is having a rough time because of her father in law's death and it's effect on her children. So Ann you are in my thoughts and prayers and I know others will be saying a prayer for you as well.

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How nice that so many people are thinking of me today. It really makes me feel good to know so many people care. Lillian, thank you so very much for remembering. After six years, you sometime wonder if anyone ever remembers.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that six years ago today was the worst day of my life. That was the day that the true love of my life left me alone. After reflecting on that day and seeing every single minute of that day roll through my mind, like one of the old black and white movies with no sound, I realized that was not the worst day. The worst day was the day I heard these words...."non-operable, non-cureable but with treatment, we can buy a little time." The worst day was when I asked the doctor "how much time" and the answer was "3-6 months if we're lucky." The worst day was when I picked up the phone and told the doctor Dennis couldn't fight any more and our wonderful Dr. Kayalah called Hospice for me.

There were so many of those "worst days" and so few really happy days for me after his diagnosis. It didn't take long for me to actually begin to grieve. I began missing him months before he was gone from me. My husband, a man who was always bigger than life to all who knew him, was becoming a frail, sometime helpless, person and our hearts were all breaking as this transformation occured. It was so hard for my children to see tears fall from their dad's face when the pain became unbearable. Although we wanted to keep him with us, we also hated the suffering and pain he was enduring.

Here in Florida, we have lots of sunny, rain free days in the month of December. In those last two weeks, there were so many sunny mornings. I remember stepping outside my house, looking up into those blue skies and saying "God, today would be a good day."

I just so wanted God to free him from the suffering that he was experiencing. My life was not important. I just wanted my husband to be well again and I knew the only way this would happen was when he left this earth.

Dennis and I both loved Christmas. While I always got my shopping done early, he was always the last one booted out of the mall on Christmas Eve, as he loved the hustle and bustle of buying gifts for me and the boys. I had had some painful holidays in my life and Dennis always wanted to make Christmas extra special for me. My grandmother died on December 20th and my Mom died on New Years Day. On Thanksgiving, 2002, Dennis was having a rough night and he told me not to worry, that he would beat this and be here for Christmas. During the weeks before December 15th, Dennis would ask me every day if it was Christmas yet? He was trying so hard to fill his promise to me.

Was December 15th the worst day of my life? No...that was the day that God looked down on a beautiful life and decided it was time for the suffering to end. That was the day that God gave me the strength to let Dennis go to a better place.

The worst day was the day after the memorial service. Company had gone home and I was alone. That was the day I realized Dennis would never be there with me again. That was the day I picked up the phone and called a grief counselor, as my head was filled with thoughts of suicide. That was the day it rained all day and I thought I would never see the sun again. Finally, after several glasses of wine, I pulled out a notebook and began to write letters to Dennis. These letters would never be mailed but putting my feelings on paper somehow helped to release the pain from my heart. During the days to come, I filled books with letters to Dennis...hoping he could somehow find the words I was writing.

Since December 15, 2002, I have had so many beautiful and wonderful encounters with Dennis. I see him in my dreams and I know he's with me when I'm awake. I could almost see a shadow of him in the room when his father died. I know he was there help him on that final journey home.

Although I have put the pieces of my life back together, like a little child working with paste and bits of paper, I still miss Dennis Keith King every day of my life. When he died, a part of me died with him. I doubt that I will ever be completely whole again and I have learned to accept that. I have been on such a long journey...a journey called grieving and healing...and I have met so many wonderful people along the way. To all my long time friends here at the message board, I thank you. I thank you for all your love, support and understanding.

In Memory of Dennis Keith King

June 10, 1952 - December 15, 2002

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Oh Ann that is so beautiful. I know what you mean about those other days and the day after the memorial service. Everyone leaves and you are alone. Never so much alone in your life. In time we do go on to live again but it is a different lfe. I can't say it is better nor worse just different.

So I understand how you feel. As the song says we could have missed the pain but we would have had to miss the dance. I know that having Johnny in my life made me a better person and I'm sure you feel the same about Dennis.

You know I told Johnny's sons once that I thought of him like a beautiful painting. We all have flaws and I know that he did but it is the flaws that make them unique, priceless. Twice in my life I lost Johmmy and each time I was like a shattered glass. I could be put back together and to the world I look alright but I too have that flaw that only myself and God can see. I realize too that in God's eyes we may all be flawed but to him we are all unique and priceless.

For some reason we were meant to have this pain in our lives. If we are being tested I'm not sure how well we scored but I do know that we survived and became better for the experience. God Bless you today Ann and may you always be surrounded with the love lof Dennis.

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Oh Ann that was just so beautiful. Thank you for sharing all of that with us. And thank you for continuing to be here with us all too.

Thoughts that this day passes gently with sweet reminders and comforting memories.

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Dearest Ann

So sorry this is late but I hope writing all that down in a post helped you with the many thoughts of that day. I know you are well past that now and that Dennis was truly the love of your life and you have so many wonderful memories of your life together.

Thank you for sharing that with us. Have a wonderful Christmas and a health New Year.

Maryanne :wink:

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