a few funny ones!!!!!!

[RandyW]

1 Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,

'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate

love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,

and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said,

'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before,

so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered

open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,'

it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man r eplied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog

for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the

parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.

Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, '

I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the

church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and

there's no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do

something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is

enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4 Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the I RS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'Hewill.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man:

'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,

I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,

where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6 Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would

like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient

man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replie s the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7 S enility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm

getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you

forget to zip down.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8 Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a

pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the

bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she

pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the

bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,'

the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little SOBs.'

[jaminkw]

Funny Randy, great way to start my day.

Judy in Key West