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This sucks


MsC1210

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I'm having a bit of a tough time the past few days. I am not sure if it is just cabin fever and being "stuck" inside so much but I am just kind of down. Mom is doing phenomenally well, she is working and keeping busy and is just amazing me with how well she is doing! I, on the other hand, seem to be stuck in a rut, thinking about Brad's last days, Jerry's last days and how much they both fought and the pain they endured and it just plain sucks.

I miss Brad. I miss his wit, his humour, his ability to make sense of even the most ridiculous situations. I hate that Meg (my 18 yr old daughter) still feels his loss as much as she does. I hate that Jared (my 21 yr old son) is going to be deployed to "over there" for this insane "war" and Brad is not here to support him like the rest of the family is.

I miss Jerry. I miss his dry sense of humour. I miss him calling Jared "The General" and how he teased Meg about her multi coloured hair! I miss how he played with my youngest son, his infinite patience with the never ending questions and comments and how Trevor just loved him to pieces. I miss it being Mom and Jerry..

I guess I miss what I used to know as "normal" and I hate it.

Sorry for the downer of a post, I just needed to let this out and this is the only place that might actually understand..

Chris

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Chris, I understand completely. And yes it does suck, big time.

This past Thursday was the one year 'anniversary' (lack of a better term) of my mom's seizure which led to her craniotomy the next day a year ago. For those two days I relieved every momemt of a year ago. I'd look at my watch and say to myself, "Oh at this time a year ago ma was in still in surgery or my grandmother or brother was calling me to give me an update, etc." I can still remember so much of last year concerning my mom, just like it was yesterday.

I understand the feeling of not having that normalcy in life anymore. Just today I went clothes shopping and got me a great deal on some shoes. And the first person I thought of was my mom. I was thinking, I can't call her and tell her about my shopping expedition and my new cute shoes. I like to shop, but my mom LOVED to shop and comparing notes on our shopping expeditions was one of "our" things to do.

It might've been a simple ritual for us, but it was one part of our mother-daughter things and now I can't do that anymore. Just like I couldn't tell her I am back in school this month. But school does help me regain some normalcy in my life.

I tell myself my mom has left us only four and a half months ago and it will take time-this new normal work itself out.

I do understand Chris....

*hugs*

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I guess I miss what I used to know as "normal" and I hate it.

I really get it. I hope tomororw is a little better than today and each day is better than the last for you all.

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