judeminiken Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Hi Everyone. This is Don M's wife again. I think I am hitting the wall with my grieving, and wondered if there is a place for grievers to talk to one another in here? Thank you. Quote
ginnyde Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Jude, you are in the right forum. My husband died 4 1/2 years ago and I am still grieving. But as I say to everyone, it never gets easy but it does get easier. If I remember correctly it seems like it did get more difficult after a little while. I think the absolute permanance is really beginning to sink in. I know where you are and it is a very sad place to be. If I have any advice it is to stay busy, very busy. Don't be shy. Ask your family and friends to include you in everything. And find something to laugh about every day, even if it is only a funny memory of Don. We all walk this journey differently. There are too many of us here so I am sure you will get some more advice. One last thing - be good to yourself. Quote
RandyW Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 Jude I am a 3 year caregiver survivor. Polite way of saying Widower actually. It is hard right now. I remember those days. Ya have to get up and get moving and just keep going right now. I always tried to do a transference of my grief. Write down your thoughts daily or Talk to Don under the stars. I used to do that and still do sometimes even nnnow. IT helps to get things out of your system that way. I know at least one member here Who I believe focused her energy into creating a Garden for their loved one after they passed. Others have done things like create programs for their loved ones in memory of them i.e. Hospital programs and donations to Cancer centers. We understand this and know how you feel. HTis is a good place for grieving. Its like 1 big Family here!!! Hugs Prayers and Hoping for some sunshine in your life tomorrow!!!!! Quote
judeminiken Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Thank you for your responses. I think I just have to let it happen..and the notion of staying busy is good....I did that today for awhile and it helped a little bit. But the tears just keep coming and coming. I also have a really bad cold, and that doesn't help. Also, I like the idea of a garden. I usually put in a vegetable garden..but last years produce died on the vine as Don's situation got worse... I didn't even clean out the remains and put the garden to sleep as I usually do. I hired a good working young man last week who cleaned up the garden space, put on a fresh layer of compost that has been cooking for 12 years unused (he said that I had some prehistoric worms in it that were more like garden snakes ) trimmed my hedge and built me a bank along the hedge with bricks and dirt so that I can plant more flowers. This weekend I bought some garden stakes with funny faces on them in the shapes of different vegetables, hoping that my anticipation of the growing season will get me going. It helped pull me out of the hole a bit...but I just keep slipping back. And then I think of all the people on here still going through their battle and I get angry at myself for being such a baby. So it is like a teeter totter emotionally...and I am a therapist! I'm good at pulling others out of holes but not so good at pulling myself out. It is good to write about it. Maybe I should start journaling....that is another good idea. Thanks again for your responses. They will keep my going for tomorrow. Quote
shineladysue Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 (((Jude))), Wish I had answers, but I don't. I do have big hugs for you and I do understand. It has been nearly 3 years since I lost the love of my life and I am still grieving. I have my ups and downs. I do believe that it is important to allow yourself to grieve. Sometimes just letting myself give in and really cry is the most therapeutic thing I can do for myself. Hang in there and know that there are many of us here who understand and care. Hugs, Sue Quote
MsC1210 Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 ((((Jude)))) I found that the journaling was one of the best things I could do to come to grips with my own life after Brad and then Jerry died. It helped so much to pour those feelings out and actually SEE them and it made it just a bit easier to cope with them. It kind of made them tangible I guess and in that way they seemed to make more sense to me. Keep posting here and we will be here.. We get it and will do our best to hold your hand as you walk this road. Many, Many hugs Christine Quote
Janette Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I thought things were getting a bit better when the new year came, but I was wrong. I think it's like Ginny said about the absolute permanance sinking in. I have never had grief like this, never thought something could be so hard. Quote
judeminiken Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Janette, my heart goes out to you. I agree....this is way harder than I ever imagined. I am staying home again today from work.....trying to shake a cold. I heard that it is not uncommon to get sick about a month after losing someone....and that is just about when this sickness hit. It is hard to stay active when you feel so rotten physically. So this is going to take some time. Thank you for your response. Jude M Quote
RandyW Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 This is a site that I used and the Link for it! Kinda neat idea and it helped me somewhat also!! http://www.memory-of.com/Public/ This is My Site I did for Deb! http://deborah-wallin.memory-of.com/About.aspx It might help you out also Thought I would offer it ! Hugs and prayers for Ya !!!!! Quote
Nick C Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 I did the garden thing. Maybe it's not for everyone, but I SO look forward to spring now when I get a message full of flowers and green from Mom. I also just post here whhen I have SOMETHING on my mind. It helps. And I never feel bad about it either because often I think someone will read and say..."hey me too, glad to know I am not alone" and I don't think ANYONE here would ever say "stop feeling sorry for yourself" because we know that that is not what grief is. It's been a short time for you...give yourself whatever you need to and come here when you want to share...and we hope it helps. Quote
Ry Posted February 9, 2009 Posted February 9, 2009 You are still very early in the grief process and there will be a lot of bad days but gradually they will get further and further apart. I found that when I had a bad day where I cried all day and just had a hard time - usually the next day would be a good day. I rarely had two bad days in a row. I took Ginny's advice and I stayed very busy-- I took every invitation, started projects, you name it. Once I started into the 2nd year though it really hit me -- he really is gone. I started to have a hard time all over again and so I went to the doctor and got an antidepressant. That has helped. I also keep a journal (the old fashioned hand written kind) and I write to John and tell him what is going on with us. It helps me work things out in my head and well it just helps to be somewhere quiet and get the feelings out. It's just a long process. I am jealous that you have weather where you can start planning your garden early. Working in the garden really helps. Rochelle Quote
judeminiken Posted February 9, 2009 Author Posted February 9, 2009 Rochelle, thank you and all the others for your responses. Yes, today is a bit better and I am getting lots of rest. It is funny that you mention the weather. Actually we are waiting for another snow storm to hit the coast of Washington tonight, where I live, and so as much as I am itching to get out in it, and I even see the cherry tree has blossomed, we will probably wake up to a blanket of snow. Very unusual for this area. Usually, I rototill the ground in March to get in peas and onion sets. Jude M Quote
Barbb Posted February 10, 2009 Posted February 10, 2009 Jude, I just loved Don's postings. He was a wonderful person and the picture of the grandkids was my favorite on here. I llove the "big eyed" one, he's too adorable. My husband died Nov. 07. I planted a "Rod Garden" last summer in the place he always planted tomatoes. I put in flowers and grasses we never had before and it was a good place to work when I felt particularly down, um, every day. I used the tomato "stands", the things he built to hold up the plants, to put the birdfeeder he built outside the living room window. (He worked at a steel fabricating shop, everything he built will last forever!) I find that some days are smooth water, some are a little rough, and some are rapids with white water. Nov. and Dec. 08 were so bad I thought I was stepping back a year, but they passed. I know the days I can go outside are always the best and this year I started volunteering at the Humane Society since I am not finding a job, and not to unhappy about that. I walk the dogs, and they love me My friends I used to work with still include me in outings, and they are my kids ages! I also still see my therapist monthly. The only advice is as the others say, keep very busy, the months pass and eventually you won't need so many tissues. Life gets a little softer. If you want to email, please do. With love and warm thoughts, Barb Quote
lilyjohn Posted February 11, 2009 Posted February 11, 2009 I just want you to know that I am thinking about you. As far as a place to share you will find none other as good as this one. It has taken me a long way from the person so full of pain and anger that I was those first agonizing days. Like Ry I kept a journal for the first three years. Many times that journal consisted of letters that I wrote to Johnny. I poured my hurt and anger out to him. Somehow that along with the people here helped me to get through those days. I haven't healed but I have survived just as all of us have. I won't lie to you it is not easy but it is doable. Someday the tears of pain will be replaced with the joy of memories. I too found the second year harder than the first. I think that is because we keep thinking that we are having a nightmare and will wake up and have our life back. During that second year you have to come to terms with the reality. As Ry once said you have to rebuild your life from the ground up. Your loved one will always be a part of you and a part of your life but in a different way. Please take care and know t hat you are not alone. Quote
Maryanne Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Hi Jude, I thank G-d that Iam not in your situation or the others who have responded to you. But hey that could happen at anytime. Joel is having his Pet on Friday (the 13th) and of course I pray for a NED results. But you never know and that scares me. I just want you to know that I think the garden is a great idea and I know that it will flourish and that will make you feel good! Please take some comfort in knowing how much we love and miss Don here. Also I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and even though I don't realize the magnitude of hurt that comes from this tragedy Iam certainly not oblivious to the feelings. Take care, may peace come to help comfort you. We are always here for you. And I hope in some small way, we are helpimg you to cope. Maryanne Quote
judeminiken Posted February 14, 2009 Author Posted February 14, 2009 You are all so awesome! Each day this week, I have felt a little better....my cold has subsided, and I am keeping really busy as you have all suggested. My son and his family will be coming down tomorrow (the first time since the funeral) and so I will be with 2 of my grandkids tomorrow. I am looking forward to this three day weekend, as a time to hopefully get outside. I love the garden idea and the more I think about it, I am going to do a little "memorial" spot along the bank that was just put in. I was SO LOW last Sunday, and I don't know why, but I find it very hard to ask for help in my "real life." But asking here, seemed very safe...........I could let out my feelings and know that you would understand. Hospice is trying to get ahold of me.....sending me pamplets, calling and leaving messages....but I just don't want to respond. Again, it is too "here" for my comfort, if that makes sense. I guess in some ways I might be in denial. But I do thank God for you all....you have been a great comfort. In fact, you threw me a lifeline. Jude M Quote
Barbb Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 This place has been my lifeline too. No one in my "real world" knew what it was/is like, but people here do. Keep coming back, it helps. Barb Quote
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