Cancer Emotions: upbeat, stoic, or Just Scared?

[KatieB]

Cancer Emotions: Upbeat, Stoic or Just Scared?

Years ago, a friend and co-worker of mine with ovarian cancer lost all of her blonde hair during treatment. She donned a red wig and declared, “I’m going to do cancer as a redhead!”

Her upbeat nature made it easier on the rest of us to accept her illness, so it was that much more shocking the day I walked into the newsroom to see a pink wreath on her desk.

Senator Kennedy has appeared upbeat after a cancer diagnosis. (Neil Hamburg/Reuters)I was reminded of my friend when I read the article “When Thumbs Up Is No Comfort” by my colleague Jan Hoffman, who writes about our cultural expectations of cancer patients to be upbeat, stoic and ready for battle. But often the reality is that people with cancer are scared, sad and depressed — and rightly so.

“That optimism reassures anxious relatives, the public and doctors, regardless of whether it accurately reflects the patient’s emotional state,” Jan writes. But she asks whether the game face maintained by high-profile cancer patients, such as Senator Edward M. Kennedy, really inspires others or simply reinforces unrealistic expectations that everyone should approach cancer with stoicism and courage. She writes:

Dr. Gary M. Reisfield, a palliative care specialist at the University of Florida, Jacksonville, believes that the language used by cancer patients and their supporters can galvanize or constrain them. Over the last 40 years, war has become the most common metaphor, with patients girding themselves against the enemy, doctors as generals, medicines as weapons. When the news broke about Senator Kennedy, he was ubiquitously described as a fighter. While the metaphor may be apt for some, said Dr. Reisfield, who has written about cancer metaphors, it may be a poor choice for others.

“Metaphors don’t just describe reality, they create reality,” he said. “You think you have to fight this war, and people expect you to fight.” But many patients must balance arduous, often ineffective therapy with quality-of-life issues. The war metaphor, he said, places them in retreat, or as losing a battle, when, in fact, they may have made peace with their decisions.

What do you think? Is upbeat and positive the best way to cope with cancer? Or does unvarnished optimism deny us the opportunity to confront our real fears? Read the full story here http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/01/healt ... ref=slogin , and then share your thoughts below.

[Ellen in PA]

I think this is right on the mark. I really abhor this whole war metaphor of 'battling' cancer. But this essay seems to presume that being 'at war' with it is the only way to remain upbeat. I am in no way at war with my cancer -- but I think I'm pretty upbeat. It's a little like racing to the airport to catch a plane -- when I'm late, I'm full of anxiety rushing to get there but, once I know the plane has taken off without me, I know it's bad but what the hell, it's out of my hands and there's nothing I can do and I become calm and collected. That's how I feel about my lc -- being dx with Stage 4 lc is like learning the plane has taken off. Time to relax and go have a drink.

Ellen

[dadstimeon]

My emotions run the gambit depending on how I feel. For the most part I would say I’m easy going, positive and optimistic but cannot possibly be that way 24/7. I’m also realistic about what is going on and what is going to happen. With me it’s what you see is what you get. It’s been my experiences overall and has helped me, the ones closet to me, my doctors etc when facing lung cancer to be positive and optimistic. Everyone views things differently and looks at things differently. Don’t think there has to be a rule of thumb or one shoe fits all. Rich

"Whatever gets you through the night 'salright, 'salright" John Lennon

[Andrea]

I know they say attitude is key, but our attitude was bad, we were scared, sat by the phone waiting for it to ring, stalking drs, etc. Sometimes I think it is just luck of the draw.

I agree with Rich, my Superman, whatever gets you through the night! Each person handles things differently. I used to get MAD when people said my feaers would make things worse. It is just human nature.

[jaminkw]

I like Andrea's name for Rich, Superman, and like him my emotions have run the gamut--and usually quite publically here on site. I am predominately upbeat and positive because that's my nature. But I am also aware that that persona has over the course of my life been a defense and a shield against feeling. That not good for me. So when I'm down, I say so. When I'm scared, I say so. When I'm lonely or disappointed or angry or whatever the negative emotion, I say so. For me that is key. I identify and own the negative feeling. Before long, I'm back to my optomistic self.

Judy in Key West

[Geri]

I was 2000 miles from my friends when I was dx in 2001, a few people chose to wring their hands and cry when they phoned, this really ticked me off so they were all told that this was their only kick at the cat---next time they did it I was hanging up!

I found that black humor got me through a whole lot of things - I would show up on the Christmas photos that year when the flash bounced off my bald head (the onc almost swallowed his tongue when I said that one - which was one of my finest) - some of the things my family and friends chimed in with made for great laughter which in turn kept me for the most part from wallowing in my pain and side effects.

Optimism comes fairly naturally to me and when my breast cancer was dx two years ago my friends picked up on the old routine and were off and running with the sick jokes. Down times come and go and pity parties have been joined by many of you on my bad days, mostly though I can find something to smile about if not laugh out loud about.

There's always someone worse off than me, I see them everyday and thank God I'm not in their place.As awful as my health has been in the last two years I've never been the sickest person in the hospital and right now I have every reason to be upbeat.......our grandson was born one week ago and with no bias whatsoever I can honestly say he's the best baby ever!

So I'm glad to be on the green side of the sod and plan to stay there with a smile whenever possible.

Geri

[jaminkw]

Way to go Geri! Congratulations on that new grandbaby. They are the best.

Judy in Key West

[jstdzy]

Hey Katie,

I cried with my Mom when they found the spot on my lung and that was it. I guess I was "stoic", I felt like if I started to cry I would just totally freak out. So I remember myself being very "grim" during treatment. But actually when I truely do think about it Mom and I had some laughs too. When my hair started failing out I had this habit of pulling on it and dropping the loose strands on the floor just to yank Mom's chain! People's attitude about being positive and that will help "cure" cancer, just makes me sick. It made me feel like I was a big looser and a wimp because I was terrified out of my mind! Before cancer I was known as a "little ray of sunshine", now I just have some cloudy days too!

[Barb73]

Just reading these replies has given me some sanity amidst the craziness that can be cancer. Running the gamut has been our experience.

There are days Bill and I are not fighting the battle, but holding on to our stability.

Personally, I have never believed that positiveness actually did "good" for cancer. I think it gives our relatives and friends permission to "bypass it, a bit." Makes it easier on them.

There are some days when Bill and I let "it spill out all over the place." Then, we can breathe again and go back to "living with cancer." I am living with it with him, and I tend to be a "dark humor" fan, and tell it "as it is," or as "it seems to me. It gives him an out to laugh at the beast.

Last week, we were informed by my sister that one of her daughters (our beautiful 47-year-old niece) has an aggressive form of breast cancer. My sister had breast cancer decades ago, as did our grandmother. Cancer has been in our lives. We have no choice but to face it straightforward.

We had to make friends with "scary" because it has happened a lot in our family. One may never get used to cancer, but it is the hand we have received in that poker game - every now and again.

Strength may come from being able to find the middle road, if at all possible. and to embrace all the days, however they are, especially when we think of the alternative.

[jaminkw]

Barb, just want you to know that I read your articulate honest post on responding to cancer and appreciated it very much. Bill is so lucky to have you walking beside him in this journey.

Judy in Key West

[Isunique]

All in all I find that we are all alike and at the same time different. We have lung cancer, lung cancer doesn't have us. We are up, we are down. I personally have so many emotions running through my head at any given time. I am a two time cancer surviver, yet I feel that even I can't relate to other people with cancer. I had gall bladder cancer 16 years ago, two surgeries, no further treatment. My dx of lung cancer came last year and I dealt with it like I always do, one step at a time and very logical. There were times when I was alone in the shower and would break down. Things will happen whether I am upbeat or depressed as hell, doesn't matter. I was staged at 1B, I chose no further treatments after surgery. So, can I relate to someone fighting this with chemo, not really and yes. I am extremely happy that I was staged at 1B, yet I know deep down that there is a chance that it will come back. I read all the posts and get to thinking abouth everything. I will enjoy my life, yes at times fritter my time away doing nothing, and yet at the same time going for that brass ring and trying hard not to let my fears of living (or at least not living life the way a cancer survivor is supposed do to) get in the way. Sorry for the long winded post.

Enjoy the beautiful day

Sarah

[dahknee]

When the doc first said the word cancer to me I rang my death knell.

Then I went to my pulmonologist and he said we can "CURE" this and my heart jumped. From my pulmonologist to the surgeon who did the lobectomy to my radiologist and oncologist and the entire oncology team I have had absolutely nothing but positive, upbeat people around me. My wife and I still get scared sometimes and we talk about it and cry and hug and get over it. The other survivers I've met are for the most part upbeat and positive and I can't help but believe that this is exactly the way it is supposed to be.

I lost my gramma, 2 aunts and an uncle all to lung cancer, my mom died of pulmonary fibrosis and my sil died of melanoma at a young age and those all put a terrible fear in me of the dreaded "cancer", but medicine has come so far and is moving so far everyday that I believe we are blessed to be alive when we are.

Oops, sorry for going on, an on, an on.

GOD loves you all and so do I.

Donny

[fillise]

From a caregiver's perspective, the answer would be "all of the above." While mom has fought mostly from an upbeat perspective, I've found it to be important to let her feel whatever she is feeling so we celebrate the good news and cuss and cry a bit over the bad.

Susan

[recce101]

Cancer Emotions: Upbeat, Stoic or Just Scared?

...should be an easy question, but...

Upbeat? Probably so, but that's just my nature, and having cancer doesn't seem to have affected my general outlook. When I have a setback, such as the disappointing initial results with Alimta this month and the hassle with Cisplatin side effects, I do tend to get "bummed out" for a while — from the uncertainty and disruption more than from any longevity concerns — but when I get things sorted out in my head and a new plan in place, I'm upbeat once again, like now.

Stoic? At first I thought not, since that word to me implied a steely fortitude and determination which I honestly don't think I possess. But after checking Merriam-Webster and seeing that one meaning is "submissive to natural law," I think "stoic" might be a reasonably good fit after all.

Scared? I've been no stranger to fear in my life, but cancer has not called up that emotion. If I'd been diagnosed at an earlier age, my answer might be different.

Though I typically plod along with a fairly even temperament, without any big highs or lows, my emotions do seem to be much closer to the surface than before cancer entered the picture. They're not emotions of sadness, or even of anger, and they seem unrelated to how well or how poorly I'm doing with the cancer at any given time. Instead, I frequently get choked up and teary-eyed when I encounter or try to talk about happy events and stories — rescue of a dog from an ice floe, the Susan Boyle audition, positive developments in the nation, selfless acts in the community. This happens several times a day, mainly when browsing the news online. In fact, it gets a little embarrassing, and I've stopped bringing up such topics except with the family, and then only if I figure it's something they haven't heard about. This is out of character for me, and if anyone has thoughts about why it's happening or how I can work my way out of it, I'd be most appreciative!

Aloha,

Ned

[beatlemike]

I wish I had a answer for you Ned. I have the same problem. For the first couple of years after being dxed I truly was depressed and Lexapro worked wonders for that. Now that I have been off the lexapro for about 6 months I generally feel pretty upbeat most of the time but the darnest things can bring the tears on. Usually happy moments. Sometimes I can even start laughing while I am crying because I know it is silly and a little embarresing. Awhile back the wife and I were watching Peter,Paul and Mary on tv. When they sang Puff the Magic Dragon I was sobbing like I lost my best friend but I had to laugh at the same time. To all you folks who tear up easy go to youtube and watch the video"Christian the Lion".

[jaminkw]

Ned I really reacted to your mention of the Susan Boyle commercial. I have heard it three times and each one gave me goosebumps and made me teary-eyed. Like you and Mike, I'm most often emotional with happy or tender stories, events, etc. I understand as men, you may feel the need to keep such expression for close family and friends but it's a compliment to you that you have them. I'm grateful I do.

Judy in Key West

[Isunique]

I have always been the type to cry easily at certain things, like animals getting hurt in movies. Since my surgery, I have noticed an increase in the emotions that make me cry. It will come out of the blue and can be embarassing. Don't know if it just the DX or what.

Sarah