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Remembering Keith Alan Kubesch 9/14/71-6/29/06


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Today is the 3rd anniversay of my beloved Keith's angel date.

I miss him and hurt as if it was just yesterday that he left me. But at the same time, it feels like it has been eons since I saw his face, held his hand, kissed his lips. I find my memories fading, probably a side effect of age, but also a coping mechanism from the pain. But I hope to not forget. I try imagining the sound of his voice and his laughter. I picture his smile, his hands in mine, his beautiful warm brown eyes. I love him still so much, it does not diminish in time and isn't replaced with the new turns and additions in my life.

I miss Keith so much! There are over a million reasons, and a million things about him that I miss every day.

Keith had the strangest sense of humor. He was truly unique, twisted, dry and sarcastic and hilarious. The 12 years we were together were filled with laughter. He could make me smile and laugh no matter what. I miss his humor. I miss his goofy faces he'd make at me for no reason, I miss hearing his incredible, detailed and bizzare stories about things that never happened. I miss his music about pirates and apes. I miss his boyish excitment and love for toys and the simple things in life.

Keith was a great friend. He was the only person I've known who could remain close intimate friends with every person he met from kindergarten on. I barely can maintain friendships with the 2-3 people who were my best friends from high school, but he communicated regularly and stayed in the lives of 30-40 of his "closest friends". He loved them all, and would do anything for them. I have never seen someone who loved so many people, and was in turn loved so much. I really admired that about him. He truly was a great friend, and he was my best friend.

Keith was the center of my universe; my sun. He warmed me with his smile. His radiant and positive attitude nurshished me and inspired me to grow as a person. The fire of his love burned through my soul.

I never once doubted that he loved me more than anything, anyone, ever; unconditionally. I was everything to him and he was my everything. No matter my weight, exhaustion, or even first thing in the morning, he was blind to any flaws and thought I was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful. He was open about his feelings, he never held anything back and would tell me how much he loved me often and in many ways. He loved me completely. I loved him completely. I still do.

Memories I see vividly still are:

1. The way he looked at me as I walked down the aisle on our wedding day.

2. The Halloween party at our first apartment, when he dressed up like Zena Warrior Princess and jammed on the drums in the basement shop.

3. The way he looked lying in the sun pool side in Mexico, our last trip right before diagnosis. (one of the last truly carefree happy times that wasn't a bitter sweet happiness).

4. Walking down Bourbon street in New Orleans, Keith trying to get beads by flashing people (mostly other men LOL)

5. The first time he drove his Superbee again after I had it fixed for his birthday. He was so excited and like a little boy. He talked about that for months.

6. Making out under the fireworks at the New Berlin Fourth of July festival

7. the smell of his hair and skin and the feel of his skin as I snuggled next to him as we fell asleep each night.

8. The way he would flash me sign language for "I really love you" whenever we were out in public so he could do PDA's without people knowing.

9. Just how amazingly passionate, engrossed, and beautiful he looked when he played his drums.

There are so many of them that I could write them all day. I have a million memories all of them beautiful, all wonderful, and all uniquely Keith. I think there is one for every tear I cry missing him.

In the past 3 years my life has turned and twisted in ways that were unimaginable to me. The first year after his death I changed jobs 3 times, ending up in a job that has me traveling the world 75% of the time. It's exciting, but I miss being home. I miss the time and contact with my family and friends. Recently I remarried. A friend of Keith's from childhood unexpectedly became the friend and support I needed after Keith's death. He was there for me whenever I needed strength. He became my closest friend. And after battling through the grief, guilt, and even shame that I felt, we found a quiet and gentle love for each other that understands me, strengthens me and comforts me. I'm so lucky, and truly believe that Keith played a hand in the match, as without him I would never in a million years have imagined being with Mike. And even more recently I've become the mother to 2 children. Three weeks ago I received a placement in my home for foster children, a 6 year old girl and 6 month old boy. They need me, and I need them. I have prayed and wished for children in my life, for the opportunity to love back unconditionally as I've been loved, to give without expectation of receiving as was once given to me. My life is full, and there is so much to be grateful for.

Yet today, and every day, I miss Keith still. I love Keith still. But that's ok. I know he loves me too.

So on this 3 year milestone, for my Angel, my guardian, my Love, Keith, until we are together again in heaven..... I love you, Always and Forever!


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YA got me crying now Carleen!!! Ihope that today has been an ok day for ya.. Remember, Cancer cant take away the love or the memories, only the physical presence!!


Oh Ya gotta post up a family picture some day !!!!! :wink:

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Oh Carleen, your words always did paint a perfect picture for us all here ~ and once again they do. I often felt your expressions of love for Keith could have been the very ones I have for Fred. Your life has taken a turn you were not expecting. You know, Fred's and mine did too and that can be a very good thing. I will always remember you and your Keith and your love story. Continued good fortune as you navigate this journey of life. So glad to have shared part of it with you.


PS: I still have and wear that sweatshirt from the Boston Walk with Keith's name on it. I will never forget that you were the very first to contribute to my endeavor. You are special to all who know you!

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Your story is one of the first I really connected with. One of the first ones which made me realize this disease is a thief.

I am so happy to see your very human story continues in so many good ways...I am sad that you have to remember this day.

It's amazing how even though you are apart from him, the story of the two of you continues on.

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It is so very good to hear from you. Long, long ago, I put your phone number into my cell phone and every time I am browsing through the "K" section I think of you.

You do have a very full life and for that I am so pleased! Keith, your guardian angel, has taken very good care of you.

May you continue to know the blessings of love, laughter, and peace!


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Carleen, it is a very special pair of people who can love and allow themselves to be loved so completely. And it seems as though you've found a special love again. Says lots of good things about you. Hope the day passed gently for you.

Judy in Key West

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Carleen I have wondered so many times about you and what you were doing. I am so glad to see that your love for Kieth is still with you but you have made room in your heart to love another. One love will never be the same or take the place of the other but each is something that makes you the person you are. I am so happy for you.

As for the memories and how they make you want to laugh and cry at the same time. I get it and I am sure that many others here do too. Take care and be happy. You will always be a member or this special family.

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I can barely see to type. You have me all blurry-eyed. I remember you so vividly (I was on the board as Bob-Ellen, or something-or-other), but you and Keith stood out fondly in my memory.

Your generous love extended to your new family and they are the beneficiaries of that. God bless you all and keep you.

My thoughts are if ever I doubt love can never die, I will think of you, dear Carleen, and be reminded that it doesn't die, but expands.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Colleen,

Just read your post and wow, you have a way with words and making us actually see the pictures you have painted with your words. You truly were blessed to have such an amazing man in your life. So many have not experience such a strong love like you guys had. You were perfect for each other.

At the same time Iam thrilled that you moved on and yes, I think Keith played a part in that also.

Good luck with Mike and your new family... I hope your traveling will lessen so you can have time to spend with them to watch them grow and prosper. I know you will be a wonderful caring mom.

Take care my friend... thank you for posting and letting us know that you are doing fine.


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